A Certain Kind of Sadness

Gotye has a line in their song ‘Somebody that I Used to Know' that goes “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.”

That has been sticking with me, because I wonder if that’s why I get crushes on unattainable men.  I can’t be with them, so it creates this beautiful ache of unfairness and pain that I realized today – I’m kind of used to, and I oddly find comfort in its presence.  Sort of a “once again, I can’t have what I want, woe is me self-pity kind of ache.”  I am used to that ache.  Its presence is like an old acquaintance. Familiar.

I am trying to get over Married Tattoo Guy.  We had been texting pretty regularly, and I have been pretty honest with my feelings, but part of that is me honestly trying to be open about it so I can address it and get over him.  Does that make any sense?  I am used to liking someone in secret, and it kind of draws out the pain and unrequited discomfort that I think I am too comfortable with.  I have been hoping that by being honest, these feelings with ebb away, and I won’t care anymore. 

Well, maybe not anymore, but not in that way.  I am also trying to change these passionate lustful feelings into supportive ones for long-term friendship.  It’s been working somewhat.  I am able to clearly remember he is married and has not left her. 

Of course, last week on wing night he went on a pretty long rant about things.  Something I actively attempted to ignore because I don’t want to dwell.  Go me? Huzzah?  Later he sent a text apologizing for not going for another drink, because he was too “melancholy”, and that our friend Stunt Guy could fill me in.  I responded I didn’t need SG to fill me in, MTG could if he felt he needed to.  It was a good step for me.  Especially since I had just spent a chunk of the night trying not to get involved in his marital rant.  Distance.  I need distance.

And yet, I sent him a fairly bald text yesterday.  I want him to know I appreciate him, but that the timing is bad.  In retrospect it may have been seen as a flirt, but at the time I just wanted to say that I was glad I had met him.  Part of me regrets saying anything, but I also think it’s important as I learn how to identify my own feelings, and move away from unhealthy attachments.  As much as I like him, as smart, and funny, and good as it feels to hug him, I need to move on.  He’s married.  And if he does eventually separate, I had to ask myself; Am I the kind of girl who wants to be an Overlap?  A Mistress?  A Rebound?  Or a friend?

I’d rather be a friend.  And if, down the line many moons from now, when he is single, and if I am still single (haha if), then maybe we could try.  If he’s still interested.  And if I am.

I’m Friend-Zoning Myself

I’ve been working on a plan.  This plan? Just to be a friend.  To be okay with just being a friend.  I am not just referring to MTG, but in general.  I’ve been thinking if I really am going to love someone and want to be with them, I need to like them fully and completely as a person first.  Curb the lust, the passion and impulsive nature of my crushes.  I think it may be working.

To assure myself I won’t do anything stupid that could ruin my friendship with MTG, I have been thinking hard about *why* I’m so attracted to him.  I’m trying to calm myself and see it as the basis of a great friendship instead of feeding into those powerful feelings of WANT.  I would rather have a long lasting and solid friendship with him- or anyone- than the twitchy and tense feelings that lust often settles in me.  Those feelings that paralyze me.

I really want him to be happy, and once I realized this, it occurred to me that if he worked things out with his wife, I’d need to be okay with that, and to support him.  And if they end it, I am not okay with being a rebound, or some sort of overlap to his singledom.  That would hurt too much, and I already know I care too much about him to be discarded. 

It’s been tough, but I am feeling stronger for it.

He texted last night.  Had a rough day, and so we joked back and forth.  I was out trying to watch a meteor shower (saw bupkis, by the way), and though I mentioned what I was doing, I didn’t invite him.  I’m working on boundaries.  

I am now not reading so much into it, and it’s been good.  I still care, and think he’d have to stop being him for me not to care anymore, but I’m also keeping in mind things like he’s left and gone back twice now, and if he finally decides that it’s really over, that’s his decision to make. 

In the meantime I’m going to continue working on me.  I’m going to maybe check out some other guys who are actually available.  No idea if I will date them, but I’m not a strong dater to begin with.  I despise clichés about dating, but odds are there are still some nice sweet guys out there. Maybe an available one will take an interest in me, and I will like him back.   I won’t notice though if I’m fixated on what I can’t have.

If You See the Pattern, Can You Break It?

Something I wrote last post stuck out, and I wanted to address it.

“He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.” 

This was about my one guy friend; however, I think I do this too.  I say this because I notice I often create situations that keep me from the object of my affection.  Unrequited.  I am beginning to see a pattern in how I approach (or more honestly, avoid) relationships. For example…

Married Tattoo Guy, well he’s still very much always on my mind.   We text pretty frequently now, and I am unsure how to feel about the excitement I get when I see he’s sent a text.  I was reading somewhere that chatting like that can be a sign of infidelity since they are confiding their hopes and dreams to you and not their spouse, and I can see that to an extent, however we also just keep each other up to date on things in our lives, because that’s what friends do.  Of course, I feel for him differently than other friends, yes.  I can tell he does too, and it’s confusing.  Am I attracted because he’s married, thus unavailable so I can play out a fantasy in my head?  I often have unrequited emotions for the men I am attracted to, but this feels different since I feel he is also attracted to me.

I recently had a different married man friend who seemed to be attracted to me (something in the water?), so I have been thinking about what I’m putting out there.  I’m not attracted to Married Army Guy, but as friends we’ve covered a lot of ground about his strained feelings in his marriage.  Maybe because of the emotions involved he had transferred some to me?  I was a bit concerned about it, but felt it was something I could shut down if he ever tried something, but with Married Tattoo Guy I seriously doubt my resolve.  I’ve told myself I am not the type to get involved with a married man, but I acknowledge I have some strong feelings here. 

Recently, MTG told me he was applying for a new job, and I was genuinely so proud of him.  He replied that it meant a lot to him.  I was glad he felt able to share such things with me (as in I don’t think he had told anyone else yet) because I actually cared to ask, and genuinely want good things for him.  Hard to share those things with someone you are having a strained relationship with.  

One of the strangest things for me and MTG is I feel very comfortable around him.  I know with regular guys, when I know they’re in a relationship I tend to relax because if they’re off limits, it makes it easier for me to be myself without me or them worrying I’m hitting on them or vice-versa.   I prefer hanging out with guys, but I feel that whole topic of sex and sexuality has to be removed before real friendship can develop.   With MTG, however, I felt very connected with him immediately, and I am not the strange awkward person I usually am around a guy I like.  Maybe because he is in fact married.  I can’t explain it very well, but I am calm and relaxed around him.  I can easily meet his eye, or make casual contact in a way I am usually super aware of.  I can find myself sitting next to him and sharing a smoke easily, or giving him a hug before realizing I should not be so familiar with him.  I am not used to being so physically comfortable with someone I like, and that’s what makes me uncomfortable.  Does that even make sense?  I tried to ignore how much we clicked when we first met, but now…

Oh geez, this is beginning to sound like the diary of a mistress.  I know I do not want to be with someone if they are married, or really even separated.  I know this because of my one official relationship, the guy was separated- and actually with someone else entirely, making me the mistress and feeling like utter shit.  I feel that MTG is not in a space to be entering into anything new, especially considering he is in the process of ending a very serious long-term relationship.  And I wouldn’t want to be a rebound, or enter into a relationship right after that.  It feels like overlap.  It feels wrong.  I know these things, and yet I still have these strong feelings, and want to be with him. 

I am trying very hard to turn this into something else.  To turn these emotions into just a deep and lasting friendship.  To be there for him, and support him since he is dealing with such intense emotions, and not be a distraction.  I know he needs to end his marriage on his own terms, or their own terms.  I very much do not want to complicate anything, but here I am, feeling complicated.  Now that he’s in my life, I don’t want him to leave.  It just struck me because I was not expecting to have such strong emotions so immediately for someone. 

I think another part of it is the whole “If he is interested in you, he’ll let you know”, and I feel this is reciprocated, it just can’t be reciprocated.  I remember meeting his gaze at a fire this past weekend.  We just looked at each other, and knew.  It was unlike anything I’ve ever really experienced.  It was just there.  Connection.  Plain and simple.  I know we’re both thinking, “Ah, this timing is crap.”

It also blows my mind that we had never met before.  In all the years I’ve known Stunt Guy (going on 8?), we’ve never met.  They’ve been pretty much best friends for 20 years, and it was only recently that MTG and I met.  Just over a month ago?  It boggles my mind how people can come out of nowhere and just feel like a natural part of your life. 

Okay, I need to stop that.

So how it fits into my pattern is; It is a relationship that cannot happen.  He is married.  I can only pine from a distance.  It seems to fit my pattern quite well.  What makes it unusual for me is I feel he actually reciprocates, but cannot do anything about it.  Our hands are tied.  Way to break the mould, Friday.

Okay. So I think basically what I need to do is start dating.  Go find some single men and get over this feeling.  Transfer it, or something.  Keep busy and don’t continue to fall for MTG.  Of course, if it were that easy, I’d probably have been dating this entire time.  Damnit.  

I Missed the First Round…

I’m going to be 34 soon.   In just over a month.  I think I’m alright with my age.  Nothing I can do to change it anyways.  I’m often mistaken for much younger, which I suppose is a good thing, though a lot of my friends are older than me. I just wish I was further ahead, or near where I think someone of my age should be.  I wish I knew better what that actually meant.  Maybe then I could make some moves towards it.

When I was finishing high school I moved into a house of University students, and I’m still friends with a good number of them.  As they were almost done Uni, they’re on average five years older than me.  When I worked at a dinner theatre, the people I got along with were about ten years older.  It’s funny.  I don’t think I’m particularly mature for my age.

I partially bring it up because when I have a birthday, there is something a bit of lackluster to them.  Any big milestone, my friends have already hit.  I remember turning 25 and going, “Wow”, but it wasn’t considered anything by my friends who were dealing with hitting 30. And yep, when I hit 30, they were thinking about how much closer to 40 they are.

My one friend, the Stunt Guy, is almost ten years older than me to the day.  We’ve often celebrated together, but I do get some weird looks from other people when they find out he’s ten years older than me, and one of my best friends.  Apparently, it’s an issue for people? At any rate, his last few birthdays he’s been more and more morose.  He’s been in an excruciatingly long divorce (five years), and I know as time goes on he’s worried he will never find someone to settle down and have kids with.  He’s worried he’s running out of time.  It’s weird, but for all the women I hear that complain men don’t want to settle down, I know quite a few.

As time goes on I keep hearing about more and more divorces.  It’s discouraging. The cynic in me pounces on this information, though. “See? It doesn’t work out for anyone.  Why should you be happy? You don’t deserve it.  Those people deserved it more, and it didn’t work out for them.” Everyone has a story, and they’re not all happy endings.

Not be completely depressing, I do see the odd successful relationship, too.  And these friends are good enough not to hide the fact that they have ups and downs, and work very hard at their relationship.  I always find it fascinating when we’re out for dinner or having a backyard fire and maybe they disagree, and I see them actively work through their disagreement.  I think it’s very healthy, and reminds me if I meet someone I want to be with, I have a lot for things to work on since I am such a creature of habit who has carved out a very independent (some would say solitary) life.  I know I’m not good with compromise (I’m quite selfish, and I see that), since I have not had to consider someone else in a very long time, and I have not had much experience learning how to be in a relationship.  I missed crucial learning stages in my teens and 20s.

There’s this scene in “Northern Exposure” I remember from watching as a youth that has resonated with me more and more as I get older.

Maggie: I never meet anybody. And even if I do, it's never someone I'd even conceive of having a relationship with. Why is it all the good guys are taken, Ed?
Ed: Well…
Maggie: It's 'cause I missed the first round. That's it. I mean, these things are cyclical. All the men I'd ever be interested in are already married. So I guess I'll just have to be patient, wait for the divorces.

Speaking of age differences I remember one time, having some drinks post-bar with some people, the subject of ages had come up.  I was standing next to this one guy I ran into every now and then.  We would drink and talk well into the morning about nothing and everything.  We seriously know things about each other no one else does, but he would become stand offish from time to time, like he was torn between telling me everything, and telling me nothing.  We met when he was dating a friend of mine, so I considered him off-limits.  That stuck with me pretty hard even after they had broken up.

His friend asked how old I was.  I think I was 27 or 28 at the time, and the friend was near my age, but it turned out the guy I was close to was about 8 years older than me.  I remember him pausing, and thinking hard about that.  He repeated it almost reluctantly, “So… you’re eight years younger than me…”, as he stared into the distance.  I had furrowed my brow, and remember wondering if he figured I was too young for him, which I didn’t think made much sense since his buddy had just said he was my age.  I think that’s when it first popped into my head he figured I was too young to date.  Yes, this is the same guy who later dated someone younger than me, so I don’t know what to think of his logic anymore.

I probably misread the situation.  It seems I rather misread him.  It really sucks because I miss our talks.  I miss him.  Add that to he never really sought me out.  I mean, when we ran into each other, we were inseparable, but I think that scared him a bit.  I know I am terrified of situations where people get to know me too well (trust issues and all that).  His are a bit different, though.  He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.

____

How serendipitous; I just read an interesting article about the perception of unavailability.  It rather puts me and 8-years-older-than-me guy, and even Married Tattooed Guy in perspective.  How much in perspective?  I am truly acknowledging that Tattooed Guy is married.  No grey, tantalizing, nervous-energy, emotional response area.  That can be a very enticing, and a very stupid place to be.  I know I am not a superhot babe with whom they picture themselves with upon first meeting (regardless of relationship status - everyone looks).  It’s usually after we get to know each other and share personal experiences that they give me a potential second look. I think this article helped explain to me a bit how I relate to, and how men relate to me.

It makes sense, though.  I have severe trust issues.  I am drawn to the unavailable because it’s safe in its own way.  Since it’s all in my head I can play with it all I want and never actually get hurt.  Huzzah?  If I’ve missed the first round, is this self-realization to how I relate to men how I get into the second?  Is it truly cyclical? And if so, how do I do it well?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bonnie-gleicher/how-desirable-is-unavailable-a-bachelorettes-human-experiment

How Does One Get “Asked Out”?

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

Seriously.  Tell it to me like I’m a four-year-old.  If you can break it down onto post-it notes, I’d be much obliged.  Because man, am I doing something wrong.

I get I’m not the hottest.  I do.  Empirically, I’m average.  Add to that I happen to be overweight. Okay.  Smarts-wise, I’m a bit more prepared.  I can use the word irony correctly.  But there are a lot more unattractive people, and heavier people, and people who think Alanis really nailed that song who are in long-term relationships, and I am just sitting here, knowing I use way too many commas.

Nothing really hits it home quicker or more succinctly that I am not appealing to the opposite sex than hanging out with a good-looking friend of mine.  They get hit on ALL THE TIME.  And they handle it well, because they are used to it.  “You’re beautiful! Would you like to go out some time?”  Little clouds of men form around these women.  Suddenly I’m a rejected satellite to this gorgeous Hotness Planet I came with.  I get it.  They’re attractive.  Not only that, they’re intelligent, funny, caring people.  I know because I wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t.  So am I allowed to envy this? Resent it? I try not to.

It still hurts to be around.  I’ve mastered the art of, “No worries, I’ve got to go over here and stare at this odd brick pattern anyways.”

I’ve studied enough sociology and psychology to understand why people are drawn to certain traits (seriously, I’ve written papers on it), and get if you hit on attractive people you’re eventually going to find some that are smart and nice instead of evil and shallow.  Those are some goods odds.  People are nice to attractive people, so they’re used to it.  They’re often very kind back.  True story.

Not ‘hot’ people get the shaft.  People are not as willing to give the benefit of the doubt that spending their time with you is worth the effort of finding a match.  There are other hot people to meet and maybe make that connection with.  It sucks. I know, I know… Heeeey, green grass…

I am quite lucky to have some very attractive friends.  I often use the line that attractive people attract attractive people (ha ha), and it can be a bit of a bubble.  I seem to have subverted it by working in bars for years (hired for skill, not looks), and being witty enough to make it past my below average veneer.  As a result, I find myself from time to time wondering what I am doing faking it around these people who may accept me for some reasons, but will never date me.

Am I shallow for wanting the hot people to want to date me? Yes.  I am shallow.  Deep down I am very shallow (ha ha).  I want to be attracted to whom I date, but I also find some people get less attractive when they have a bad personality.  I find they are more attractive when they are insightful, intelligent, and funny.  I’m often told this, too.  People seem to be more attracted to me the more they talk with me, and so on, but it never leads to dating.  It’s frustrating.

Simply put, I don’t get asked out.  I get invited to things, but it’s not the same.  And it often reminds me that I am not the same.  I can ignore it most of the time.  It only really stings when people literally stop us on the street to talk to my friend, or I get a, “Oh, you too” invite when sitting next to my friend.

I think I’m pretty quick witted (I am told this enough that I am inclined to believe it), funny to be around, am involved in things, and try to engage honestly with people.  I’m not the worst, just not the best.  Average is what it is, but there are many, many average people out there with successful dating lives.

I know I’m not the most confident, but I have really worked at breaking out of this the past year.  After a heavy funk and depression, I am focusing on being happier and more balanced.  I just keep coming back to this huge area of my life that no development or real progress has been made.  I’ve been trying to talk more, flirt more, and ask guys to do things.  This was like pulling teeth, but I’ve been working at it.  It just hasn’t been panning out.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve selected carefully my ‘object’ of affection (of the moment), but the whole “if he is interested, he’ll ask you out” does hang over my head quite a bit.

I ran into the guy with whom I swapped numbers with the other day.  Maybe that’s why this came up again.  It was in a gas station.  One I pretty much never stop at, but did that day.  His smile was big and genuine, so I got a little thump in my chest, and kind of missed what I was saying in walking to the counter to pay.  Picturing music, and clever banter, and an invite for coffee?  Ha. 

At the till was another friend I had not seen in a very long time.  Cue catch up session with him all through my transaction, and walk back to my car.  I think phone number guy gave a quick wave as we left, but yeah.  Friendship was a blocker that day.  Don’t get me wrong, I in no way begrudge my long-time friend I had run into, it’s just one of those “Of course it would happen this way. You’re you, Friday.  Don’t forget.” kind of moments.

I hugged my long-time friend goodbye when we reached our cars, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t felt a pang of regret and irritancy.  I wish I was a better person sometimes. 

When Do You Know to Say No to a Friend?

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

I’m tired of trying to explain myself to people who don't care.  What is part of the problem is they don’t see how they’re often part of the problem.  Especially when they ask why I act a certain way, or whatever, and then don’t understand even after I explain it. So I say, “Never mind.”, and I get to live with the uncomfortable feelings, the stress, the gut-gnawing anxiety.

I’m also often in a position where I’m the one people come to about issues with other people.  I have this one long-time friend.  We’ve worked together, and I’ve often bent over backwards to help her because I know what it’s like to try and make something of nothing, but these past couple of years I’ve been feeling really taken advantage of.  Today I just found out that if I stand up for myself and say what is bothering me, she waves it off and already had someone else to help her, she just wanted to see if I would help first. What? What kind of logic is that?

It makes me very tired.  And many events coming up include her, so I can’t just avoid it or her. I’m finding even thinking of her or these upcoming events drain me, and I have no interest or passion for it since it means I’ll be dealing with these feelings, and running interference for the several other people who can’t work with her.  I try to keep an open mind and see both sides, but after these years of mediating, maybe I need to accept that she is just really difficult and not misunderstood.  Maybe I need to stand back and not kill myself trying to help someone who doesn’t seem to understand.  Am I a bad person if I stop trying to help?  Maybe I’ve been impeding all these years by smoothing things over when she and others really needed to learn how to get along and work with each other?

I don’t know. I just know it’s making me sick and angry, and I don’t want someone else and what they do or say to me to control me like that. I just wish I was more confident in doing things for me and standing up for myself.  Why when I am challenged do I buckle so quickly and take the easy way out, even though it’s harder on me in the long run? Okay. Enough self pity.

In kind of positive news, I think a guy tried to hit on me this weekend. It was awkward, but then it occurred to me this could be a shy guy trying to flirt. Who knew?  I think I’m going to try and be better aware of these things.  I don’t know how yet, but it’s kind of a start. A half start? Maybe. I’m noticing a lot of these issues I have are directly related to my confidence (or lack thereof), and my social anxiety. I am not good at confrontation. 

The cheese stands alone...

Do we ever outgrow feeling left out? I have to admit, it's something that's been bothering me the past while. It's come about in a few ways, from not feeling super buddy-buddy with co-workers at my last job which I just assumed was part of the position I was in, but this even spreads to my friends.

I just found out that last night a bunch of them got together to celebrate the ending of one of my close friend's divorce. I had send a supportive text since I knew he would be in divorce court and he would be having a rough time, and today I ran out and got a small cake with “congrats” written on it, only to find out that everyone else had gotten together last night and partied so hard most don't feel like coming out tonight to our regular wing night at the local pub.

It really hurts.

I sent a “I feel stupid for getting this cake” text to one of my friends who was out last night, and now I'm sure she messaged him because he's sending “Hey! Come out!” texts to me, but it's not the same if he had to be reminded. I don't want them feeling bad for forgetting me, but I also don't want the pity invite.

I've been trying to get over how overlooked I feel, and I've sometimes managed to talk myself out of it, but then something like this happens, and I wonder why I bother at all.

I just feel stupid. Stupid for getting this cake, and stupid for thinking I would be included. It's chocolate fudge, too, which I can't eat, so now I'm at home trying not to feel neglected while pity texts come in and this damned cake sits in my fridge. If I go, I am not in the mood to stay and socialize. If I sit at home, well, it's obvious its because I'm hurt. Rock and a hurt place.

Just One of the Guys (Part 2)

I’ve been trying to be more pro-active in all areas of my life.

The other night I decided I was going to drum up some liquid courage, and go back to the bar and try and talk to the Bartender. Two of my friends who are very aware of my ineptness came along, and we discovered the place was boring, and the Bartender wasn’t there. So we left and went to another bar. It was also dead, but I decided I would just have a beer then go home. My friend’s agreed.

Then “8-years-older than me guy” showed up. We hadn’t seen each other since a mutual friend’s fundraising event, and we hadn’t really been able to talk then. Oh, and talk we did.

I don’t know what it is with this guy and me, but we can’t seem to do simple conversations. The first time I met him I think we talked about our life goals, and he talked me into considering law school. Which I did. The last time we had talked, we discussed my parental issues, and he on his lack of ability with long term relationships. Seriously, we talk. This time, even with my new awesomer job, he chastised me for putting off law school, and we discussed his regret over losing the love of his life. Not exactly light fare for just running into each other and havin’ a beer stuff.

I guess as we talked intently my other friend’s took off, and his just went about doing whatever around us. At one point we moved tables, and the bar closed, but I don’t remember that. The next thing I knew was it was almost three in the morning, and I decided I had to walk home.

I remember he went to do something, and I used the time to sneak out otherwise I think we would have talked even longer. I used the 45 minute walk home to think about it.

He’s practically my perfect guy, except for the fact that he only sees me as one of the guys. We don’t see each other that often, (and something I am told often by other guys is that if a guy wants to see you, he’ll make time to see you), and with this dude, we more so just randomly run into each other. Another thing is, he always makes a comment on me being 8 years younger than him, which I wonder if that means he regrets I’m too young for him to date? But he’s currently dating someone, and she is (from my guess) a couple of years younger than me. So I don’t know what to think about him.

To be honest, I probably shouldn’t think about him at all. Too random. Too intense. Too… frustrating. He’s practically a summary of all my interactions with men. He’s good looking, smart, funny, interesting and outgoing. He thinks of me as one of the guys. When did this become a bad thing?

Woo.

Boxes

This weekend a friend came over to pick up some boxes. She’s the one in my dance troupe who is getting a divorce, and their house just sold so she has to be out quickly. We wound up chatting for a bit since we really haven’t spent time together since the Vancouver trip.

Her: (excited) It’s getting better because once we’re out of the house, Vancouver guy is coming to visit me!

Yep. Weeks into her separation she hooked up with a guy on our trip. He wasn’t the only one hitting on her, but he was the nicest, funniest, etc. And now he is going to be making a trip across the country to see her for a weekend. I can’t help but feel a little envious. I push it down. I join her in her enthusiasm. She deserves some fun after everything her ex had been putting her through. He had accused her of cheating in the past, but she didn’t even kiss anyone else until the separation was official. I sat there thinking. Of course, I don’t get any kind of action, single as I am. Why is that? I refocus on what she’s saying.

Her: (excited) That’s not the only thing I have to look forward to. This other guy, an ex boyfriend, found out I’m getting divorced so he’s been calling me lately. We’re going to meet up next time he comes through town!

Me: (thinking) Oh, so two hook ups. That’s cool. Making up for lost time I suppose? What about *my* time? Who makes up for that?

Me: (out loud) What about that guy who lives in town?

Her: He’s a bit too young, but I see him every now and then.

Oh, three guys. Right. That have come forward. So far.

I sigh. Must be nice to be so desirable.

I had a dream the other night. In it this guy I have liked for years is my boyfriend. We’re lying in bed, arms around each other, not wanting to get up in the morning. My alarm goes off. I’m alone when I roll over, and I realize that’s why I didn’t want to get up. I remember one late night at my place when he told me how alone he was, how undesirable he was, and how he felt he would never get a girlfriend again because girls keep dumping him.

I did what I could to reassure him. At one point, somehow it came up how I was 8 years younger than him and I remember the look on his face, and how he acted made me feel he thought I was too young for him. I remember finding some consolation in that.

I saw him at a fundraiser the other week. He does this standing aside thing where he still sort of looks over at me. He used to do it when we saw each other in bars, as though afraid to be the first one to say hi. But he would always know where I was in the bar. Do I just intimidate people too much?

We stood in line by each other, and did the “Hey, howyadoin’?” thing you do when you can’t really talk to one another. Next to him was his girlfriend. She’s a couple of years younger than me.

The Divorcee and I flattened some boxes so she could fit them into her car easier. After a while we sat down and she brought out her cell phone.

Her: Look at what he sent me!

I take the phone and look at the text. It’s from Vancouver guy. She used to have a nickname for him in the phone in case her soon-to-be-ex checked out her phone, but the nickname is gone and his real name replaced it.

Me: (surprised) No more fake names?

Her: Nope. I’m not playing those games anymore. We’re getting divorced. He has no say in who I see.

I look back to the message and my throat tightens a little bit.

I miss you so much and can’t wait to see you.

I smile. There’s nothing else I can do. So I smile and hand back the phone,

Me: You’re very lucky.

Inside I am strained. Never in my life has a guy ever said that to me, text or otherwise. Some days I think it never will.

After a cigarette we haul the boxes to her car, and she drives away. I return to my apartment and sit for a while as the sun beams outside for the first time all week and I can hear families playing in the park across the street. It’s funny how you can feel so many emotions at once and still feel dead inside.

Evaluations

So lately I’ve been reading a few self-help books, and decided it was time to start focusing on improving some areas in my life. I want a stable job since my current one is term, and have begun redoing my resume and sending out applications. Woo me! :) I’ve also begun looking into gyms because I am not feeling at fit as I want to be, and am tired of complaining about it. Double woo! Since moving back to the city I have been going out every weekend, getting back into touch with old friends, and saying yes to pretty much every event I’ve been invited too. Triple word score!

I have still not been asked out.

*sigh* This really shouldn’t get to me, but it does. These last three months I have gotten dolled up and gone out, and met new people, and sparkled at social events, and met a bevy of interesting (and even single!) men… and nothing.

Let’s put it this way, I have a bunch of new facebook friends, but they are all women.

I just want to give up some days, you know? But all the books I am reading tell me that focusing on the negative only makes you go in that direction. Like begets like, and so on. I must admit, when I was in super self pity mode last year, stuck in a small town with my family I was pretty angry and enjoying my pity party so much I heavily disagreed with such practical advice. More than one book sailed across my room to my refrains of “Stupid book! What do you know?!?!” and the ever eloquent “Pft!”

After re-evaluating some things in my life I am in the “try everything” stage. If I am asked to do something, I say yes (unless I have another commitment). Lately, I’ve been to more birthday parties, book launches, wine and cheeses, rock bars, dance bars, piano bars and late night movie screenings than you can shake a day planner at. Until last night.

A group of girls from my dance group were going out to a hip bar where it was a 50s and 60s theme night, and after much debating and lethargy, I instead settled in with a bottle of wine and a couple of my favourite episodes of Sex and the City. Today I saw the pics they posted, and how much fun they had, but an odd feeling was hanging with me. The feeling of how I usually feel after partying. I get all dressed up, with such hope, wear some cute shoes and a new dress I made myself buy, do my hair and makeup, hit the town and… watch my friends get hit on.

So this morning, looking at the photos I still had that echo of “must be nice” breezing through me. I know, I know, I could have gone out with them, put it all behind me, or push it down and just enjoy myself, but it always surfaces. That feeling of being singled out, or alone even in a crowd. I’ve worked very hard lately not to throw pity parties, but I think I just felt so tired. Tired of doing it so often, and for what? I have great times with my friends, but I go home alone. Even if I opt for a night in, I am very alone. I have nobody, no man in my life to just “stay in” with. And as much as I’d like to think it doesn’t bug me, and as much as I want these books, and this effort not to be wasted, I find myself saddened by the half whispered thought.

So I sit.

And I sip.

And I cry.

back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I was reading a blog written by a woman who gets unrequited crushes all the time, and she wrote , “Jim was the last guy — and it took awhile, but I conditioned myself to stop thinking about him, even after he called me up again, out-of-the-blue, casually mentioning that “maybe” we’d see each other one day soon.

Oh, how delightfully vague!”

I nodded, and then it hit me – I do the exact same thing. I try not to build things up in my head, but I do. I have this former co-worker who I still text back and forth with, but it wasn’t until after I read that paragraph that it occurred to me that I look a little too forward to his random texts.

Seriously, months could pass. I decided I was not longer going to start these texts (or emails, etc. with other guys I get crushes on), so when he texted it made me so happy! I thought long and hard what to say, and how to say it casually (dear god, yes, effort goes into these), and a thought hit me. I know he never asks me out or anything (we live in separate cities), but maybe texting me is just some sort of ego boost for him. Like, maybe he was rejected by someone he really likes, so he texts me who is always excited to hear from him, and sends back clever, flirty little updates. I realize that part of why I like texting him is because it’s safe and from a distance, but thinking that he may just think of me as that desperate chick who pumps him up leaves a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach. Mostly because, looking back, this is how most of my relationships with men has been for quite some time now.

I have a good section of friends and acquaintances. If I go out, I often run into many people (i.e. guys) I know, who say “Hey!”, do the catch up/ joke with thing, etc. But even when the guys are single, they never ask me out. They do talk about how being single sucks, how another friend got married, how they would like to meet the right girl or whatever. What’s weird is sometimes I even think they’re kind of flirting with me, but I’m never asked out, and before I know it, they’re dating someone new, beautiful and “awesome!” I know this, because the next time they see me, they are only too happy to tell me so. This hurts especially hard when I have been interested in the guy. And, yes, it happens. Of course, they’re pumped because they found someone, and want to share it, but maybe I am tired of hearing it? It happens to me a lot.

Maybe because when they’re single, they feel they have someone to commiserate with, and when they’re finally in a couple, they want to show it off. I hear from both men and women the problems with dating, their last gf/bf, how they’ll never find anyone again, and then inevitably how the new person in their life is just so perfect. So I get to be this sounding board, because I can’t really relate back to the whole dating thing, since I am apparently so undateable.

And of course, I get severe crushes on some of these people. Of the three last guys, I have finally gotten over one because he was *so* obviously into my friend, and not me. This happens all the time. But this time it sort of hit me, and I "got over it". It was as though the "like" switch was turned off. I wish it was always so simple.

Usually I feel rather bitter, and dwell. Like on the Theatre Manager Guy. He pretty much has a girlfriend (I say "pretty much" since he's never said it to me, but you know when their page is spammed with little hearts and kisses and they don't remove them), and I don't want to be some sort of relationship interfering tart. Not that there was really a chance, but in my head I decided no, I'm just not like that.

Lastly, there is this guy who I have been quite in love with all unrequited like for the past few years. Yep. Years. And there was a time when I thought that maybe... maybe something could happen...

I'm still very single. *sigh*

One week.

A week has passed since my friend died, and I’ve awkwardly stumbled my way through the emotions. I’ve discovered that when serious situations strike, I need to be kept busy. Maybe so it doesn’t make me think as much.

I met Young Engineer through my friend, the Overanalyzer about 5 years ago. Hard to believe it was so long ago. He was still a teenager, and I in my mid-20’s at that point, but we got along swimmingly. He was incredibly intelligent, cute and quirky. He and my friend dated for over 3 years. When they broke up it practically broke O. I cannot imagine what his death did. I didn’t know what to do but apparently decided that food was the answer. I guess now when death occurs I turn into an Italian grandmother or something. I insist on cooking and feeding people.

I bought a severe amount of groceries and went over to O’s after I returned from Vancouver. I wanted to spend time with him, but needed a project. I hate sitting around when someone is sad. So we made pizza from scratch, and stuffed some peppers, and tested out a pasta salad. Considering I am just learning how to cook, it all came out fantastic, but the best part was O’s mum saying how happy she was O was eating something. I guess seeing food made over a few hours builds an appetite.

We talked about Young sporadically while making the dough and stuffing the peppers. Young and I had talked about depression a few times in the past. I struggle with it, and had a bad bout when I was 15. I told him what it took for me to get a hold of myself and move on, and he told me how he felt. We both criticized the methods of current drug prescribing practices, and what it took us to keep going. I mentioned that a big turning point for me was the old saying, “I would die for you.” I used to use that a lot at my worst. But then, I would die for just about any reason back then. It wasn’t until I thought of my mum (after I had been institutionalized) that it occurred to me that it meant more to live for someone. I felt I could die for anyone? Big deal. Living for someone was a hell of a lot harder, and I set that as my new goal. If for a while I could at least live for my mum, then maybe one day I could live for myself. I am mostly there now.

It hurts me that Young couldn’t do that for himself. It hurts me that there was more we could have talked about. It hurts me that we lost touch this past year and that he made the choice he made. But he doesn’t have to live with it, we do. O does. His friends and family do. I can’t blame him though, he’s already blamed himself enough. But, I miss all the things we talked about. It’s funny how death stains life so much. We used to sit at my place, with our friend Butler making us waffles while we watched cartoons. When I saw waffles the other day I started crying. Stupid, really. But I did. I am again.

So I made pizza because I didn’t know what to do. We ate, and later on I went home. And I thought about who and what I would live for. Does an event like this make you cherish life more? Or do we instead focus so much on the hollow, gaping holes in life that we lose ourselves? I’ve felt without purpose for a while now, but have been making a life for myself, slowly. Yet this makes me feel more awash at sea. No land in sight. And it’s night. But there is something peaceful about that to me. On a boat. The moon shining down. And I am alone. Then there is peace. I have chosen the boat instead of the sea. And for now, that is enough.

Rest.