Commitment Issues

It's been a while since I posted, so there are a lot of thoughts in my head. Bear with me?

8-years-older than me guy is engaged.  I found out online, and while I clicked “like”, all I could think of was I really hope he’s happy.  We haven’t seen or talked to each other in ages.  I knew he was seeing someone since the beginning of winter.  I know he’s wanted to get married for quite a while. He once wept on my shoulder, crying that no one would ever love him how he wanted to be loved. I held him and said there are many kinds of love, and I that loved him. That he would find that love if he was looking for it. She must be age appropriate.

Less than a year? Is that all it takes? I remember my guy friends saying if they want something- specifically if they want to be with someone, they work to make it happen.  I can appreciate that, I’m just sad and bitter because I feel like no one will ever feel that way about me.

The guy I’ve been seeing for about a month now is British, and about 9 years older than me. I don’t care about the age difference, but I know we’re in somewhat different areas of our life.  He’s got a house, and a daughter, two puppies, and a stressful job.  I’m working for a temp agency and just moved again recently from an apartment to a shared house.  When we do spend time together, he’s funny and sweet, and caring.  I find he drops some things into conversation that I find rather odd for this “just being casual”.  Sweet things.  He jokes about needing someone to take care of him and do I know anyone?  I laugh and play it off. I try to ignore it, but I find I’m replaying them in my head.  Maybe he *is* more serious than he’s been letting on.

And then I see he’s reposted his ad.  And I deflate. I remember I’m not good enough.  So I remove the weight from his words.  I should just enjoy it while I have it, right?

Part of me also wonders if he’s saying those things to get feedback from me that it is okay.  That I want something more too, but I’m not responding right.  Or when I do, he realizes that he doesn’t really mean it, they’re just nice things to say.  I’m pretty confused about how to proceed.  Or do I give up?  Go for broke when I meet someone and insist we start out dating all proper like so I have a chance at forever...

But it’s been so long and no one has sought me out, so I went online and messaged someone myself.

And now we cuddle and watch a movie and I say something like how much I enjoy it and would be happy if I never moved again. And then he says he likes it too, but how will he know I’ll be there in a year?  But then, how do I?  Last week we were talking and he said how much I move and change jobs “freaks” him out. He feels if he commits to me I’ll lose interest, like he’s one of my apartments. I’ll get tired of him and move.  He has an incredibly valid point.

I replied that people and relationships are different.  The ones I want I keep with me.  That I’m seeking a good long-term job, don’t have plans to move anytime soon, and if I do I want to it be to a little house all my own forever.  I really do want those things.  It was nice to finally say.  Scary, but truthful.  He seemed a little convinced, but then there’s that ad, reposted.  And I hurt inside.  Because I was honest.

I’m tired of not being pursued.  I would like someone to chase me for once.   It’s very difficult for someone as transient and emotionally detached as me to say, but I want someone to take care of me. I want to take care of them back. It hurts to admit that.

I’m wanting forever, and I responded to a casual ad. I do it to myself.

It’s Been a While Since I’ve Tried…

My commitment issues are keeping me from a relationship. Not because I don’t want to commit, but because the guy I am seeing is worried I will lose interest and leave him. But isn’t that the reality of any relationship? I was happy to meet someone awesome and love that we are able to be so open with our thoughts. But I feel like my honestly is costing me.  Yes, I have commitment issues. But the fact that I was to try for the first time in… forever, should also have some weight.  We met online and both expected things just to be casual.  But then we got along so well we began making more time for each other, and now… I’m trying not to make him my be all and end all.  I’m trying to keep it light, because I am afraid of being hurt. I know he is as well, but keeping it open and non-serious makes me feel we’re not giving it a real chance. Yes we said one thing going in, but if I'm feeling more, I want to try.  I would like for us to agree to each other.  We tried for a few days but then he said he didn’t know if he could commit to someone who has such deeply embedded issues, and I understood.  But now I feel like I’m settling for a half relationship, and I’m ready for a full one. 

Perhaps he’s not the one after all.  Perhaps he’s right about me.

In the spirit of outright honesty, we met on a hookup site.  I messaged him, and after a few messages, we met.  I’m a large girl so I was worried he wouldn’t like me. He would be repulsed or something (I do not have a good body image), but he liked it.  True, he did put seeking a BBW, and I owned that when I responded, but you never know.  I’m not a lot of people’s cup of tea.  But he liked pretty much everything about me. I owned up to why I was seeking casual: I’ve got commitment issues but wanted to date.  He said he understood.  He’s got a daughter who stays with him weekends, and has a very busy job and felt it would be unfair to try and have a regular relationship.

It got pretty serious pretty fast (wow, someone likes me!), and now that we’ve pumped the breaks, I’m finding I would be happy with just him.  Am I just glomming on because he's the first guy in so long to show interest? There’s a different guy with whom I spend time with on and off and when I hung out with him the other weekend I did feel I was being unfaithful to the new guy, even though he had once again made it clear we weren’t a couple.  He still has an ad up online, so I look at it from time to time to remind myself he’s not completely committed, so I shouldn’t fall for him.  I have an online profile that I reactivated, and met a guy for drinks last night.  We didn’t click in anyway, and it just made me miss my guy so much.  So I reminded myself by looking at his ad. He wants something else.

I am not the one after all.  I was right about me.

I’m Friend-Zoning Myself

I’ve been working on a plan.  This plan? Just to be a friend.  To be okay with just being a friend.  I am not just referring to MTG, but in general.  I’ve been thinking if I really am going to love someone and want to be with them, I need to like them fully and completely as a person first.  Curb the lust, the passion and impulsive nature of my crushes.  I think it may be working.

To assure myself I won’t do anything stupid that could ruin my friendship with MTG, I have been thinking hard about *why* I’m so attracted to him.  I’m trying to calm myself and see it as the basis of a great friendship instead of feeding into those powerful feelings of WANT.  I would rather have a long lasting and solid friendship with him- or anyone- than the twitchy and tense feelings that lust often settles in me.  Those feelings that paralyze me.

I really want him to be happy, and once I realized this, it occurred to me that if he worked things out with his wife, I’d need to be okay with that, and to support him.  And if they end it, I am not okay with being a rebound, or some sort of overlap to his singledom.  That would hurt too much, and I already know I care too much about him to be discarded. 

It’s been tough, but I am feeling stronger for it.

He texted last night.  Had a rough day, and so we joked back and forth.  I was out trying to watch a meteor shower (saw bupkis, by the way), and though I mentioned what I was doing, I didn’t invite him.  I’m working on boundaries.  

I am now not reading so much into it, and it’s been good.  I still care, and think he’d have to stop being him for me not to care anymore, but I’m also keeping in mind things like he’s left and gone back twice now, and if he finally decides that it’s really over, that’s his decision to make. 

In the meantime I’m going to continue working on me.  I’m going to maybe check out some other guys who are actually available.  No idea if I will date them, but I’m not a strong dater to begin with.  I despise clichés about dating, but odds are there are still some nice sweet guys out there. Maybe an available one will take an interest in me, and I will like him back.   I won’t notice though if I’m fixated on what I can’t have.

Availability

How do I find available men? I don’t just mean guys who are single.  I mean guys who are single, and actually emotionally available.   This means not hung up on someone (sorry, 8 Year Guy), dealing with a failing marriage (sorry, Married Tattoo Guy), or secretly seeing someone else all along (not sorry at all, First “Real” Boyfriend).

You’d think there’d be some decent dudes out there, and there are, but I’m friends with them, not dating them.  I’m constantly surprised how often I hear girls talk about there are no good guys, and I think of all my awesome single guy friends, but I am (usually) not attracted to them in that way, so I guess I can’t really count that? I don’t know.  And now here I am saying the same thing.  So okay, time to clarify even further.

I would like to meet single, available guys, who I am attracted to, who want to date me as well.  I suppose specifics are helpful in cases like this. 

I was reading online how to get out of a dating (or lack thereof) rut, and how to stop putting roadblocks to relationships up.  I know I have commitment and trust issues, but I also see that until I have an idea of what I would like, I won’t notice them if I see it. These articles also said things like people can create unrealistic expectations which results in permanent singleness.  Since I’ve been single so very long, I took a hard look at myself, and what I think I actually want.  Actually, one of the articles pissed me off because it said things like having unrealistic expectations like dating outside of your league will make you sad and alone, and to lower your standards.  I do have high standards, but they weren’t the “wash board abs”, and height requirements or paycheque things the article listed.  I have refused to be in a relationship where I feel like shit, and the one time I was, I honestly thought perhaps I was imagining my doubts because of my commitment issues.  Was I creating problems because I’m terrified of relationships? 

In the past, I’ve caused problems because of my fear of commitment.  I had one guy I was seeing, and he was practically living with me, but he wouldn’t have sex with me unless I admitted that we were boyfriend and girlfriend.  I said, “Fine by me. No sex.”  I refused to be ultimatum’ed. I wasn’t going to be pressured into a relationship, and yet looking back I guess we really were a couple.  However, I still have issues with saying he was my boyfriend.  Probably because I feel a boyfriend wouldn’t have made that condition if he had actually understood me, and my fear of commitment.

Oh, and one funny thing is the more articles I read, I keep coming across how girls are upset with how often guys use the fear of commitment card.  But I totally get it.  I do.  So I read these articles, and kind of laugh and tense inside.  Why is it so easy for everyone else?  More than once I’ve had an awkward conversation where I guy I was kind of seeing said, “It feels like you’re the guy”, when I refused to open up and talk about my emotions, or introduce them as my boyfriend, or meet my family, or countless other examples.  This may sound like I’ve had a parade of guys, but it’s been very few and far between, and I don’t seem to be getting any better.

I need to work on flirting, and after recounting these tales, I think I need to work on making myself available.  I think I’m much more ready to have a relationship, but I think I’d still cringe if I was asked to commit, or make anything official.  I’m much better in the shadows.  I guess I can’t have it both ways.  So I lurk.  I get crushes on the unavailable.  

I Missed the First Round…

I’m going to be 34 soon.   In just over a month.  I think I’m alright with my age.  Nothing I can do to change it anyways.  I’m often mistaken for much younger, which I suppose is a good thing, though a lot of my friends are older than me. I just wish I was further ahead, or near where I think someone of my age should be.  I wish I knew better what that actually meant.  Maybe then I could make some moves towards it.

When I was finishing high school I moved into a house of University students, and I’m still friends with a good number of them.  As they were almost done Uni, they’re on average five years older than me.  When I worked at a dinner theatre, the people I got along with were about ten years older.  It’s funny.  I don’t think I’m particularly mature for my age.

I partially bring it up because when I have a birthday, there is something a bit of lackluster to them.  Any big milestone, my friends have already hit.  I remember turning 25 and going, “Wow”, but it wasn’t considered anything by my friends who were dealing with hitting 30. And yep, when I hit 30, they were thinking about how much closer to 40 they are.

My one friend, the Stunt Guy, is almost ten years older than me to the day.  We’ve often celebrated together, but I do get some weird looks from other people when they find out he’s ten years older than me, and one of my best friends.  Apparently, it’s an issue for people? At any rate, his last few birthdays he’s been more and more morose.  He’s been in an excruciatingly long divorce (five years), and I know as time goes on he’s worried he will never find someone to settle down and have kids with.  He’s worried he’s running out of time.  It’s weird, but for all the women I hear that complain men don’t want to settle down, I know quite a few.

As time goes on I keep hearing about more and more divorces.  It’s discouraging. The cynic in me pounces on this information, though. “See? It doesn’t work out for anyone.  Why should you be happy? You don’t deserve it.  Those people deserved it more, and it didn’t work out for them.” Everyone has a story, and they’re not all happy endings.

Not be completely depressing, I do see the odd successful relationship, too.  And these friends are good enough not to hide the fact that they have ups and downs, and work very hard at their relationship.  I always find it fascinating when we’re out for dinner or having a backyard fire and maybe they disagree, and I see them actively work through their disagreement.  I think it’s very healthy, and reminds me if I meet someone I want to be with, I have a lot for things to work on since I am such a creature of habit who has carved out a very independent (some would say solitary) life.  I know I’m not good with compromise (I’m quite selfish, and I see that), since I have not had to consider someone else in a very long time, and I have not had much experience learning how to be in a relationship.  I missed crucial learning stages in my teens and 20s.

There’s this scene in “Northern Exposure” I remember from watching as a youth that has resonated with me more and more as I get older.

Maggie: I never meet anybody. And even if I do, it's never someone I'd even conceive of having a relationship with. Why is it all the good guys are taken, Ed?
Ed: Well…
Maggie: It's 'cause I missed the first round. That's it. I mean, these things are cyclical. All the men I'd ever be interested in are already married. So I guess I'll just have to be patient, wait for the divorces.

Speaking of age differences I remember one time, having some drinks post-bar with some people, the subject of ages had come up.  I was standing next to this one guy I ran into every now and then.  We would drink and talk well into the morning about nothing and everything.  We seriously know things about each other no one else does, but he would become stand offish from time to time, like he was torn between telling me everything, and telling me nothing.  We met when he was dating a friend of mine, so I considered him off-limits.  That stuck with me pretty hard even after they had broken up.

His friend asked how old I was.  I think I was 27 or 28 at the time, and the friend was near my age, but it turned out the guy I was close to was about 8 years older than me.  I remember him pausing, and thinking hard about that.  He repeated it almost reluctantly, “So… you’re eight years younger than me…”, as he stared into the distance.  I had furrowed my brow, and remember wondering if he figured I was too young for him, which I didn’t think made much sense since his buddy had just said he was my age.  I think that’s when it first popped into my head he figured I was too young to date.  Yes, this is the same guy who later dated someone younger than me, so I don’t know what to think of his logic anymore.

I probably misread the situation.  It seems I rather misread him.  It really sucks because I miss our talks.  I miss him.  Add that to he never really sought me out.  I mean, when we ran into each other, we were inseparable, but I think that scared him a bit.  I know I am terrified of situations where people get to know me too well (trust issues and all that).  His are a bit different, though.  He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.

____

How serendipitous; I just read an interesting article about the perception of unavailability.  It rather puts me and 8-years-older-than-me guy, and even Married Tattooed Guy in perspective.  How much in perspective?  I am truly acknowledging that Tattooed Guy is married.  No grey, tantalizing, nervous-energy, emotional response area.  That can be a very enticing, and a very stupid place to be.  I know I am not a superhot babe with whom they picture themselves with upon first meeting (regardless of relationship status - everyone looks).  It’s usually after we get to know each other and share personal experiences that they give me a potential second look. I think this article helped explain to me a bit how I relate to, and how men relate to me.

It makes sense, though.  I have severe trust issues.  I am drawn to the unavailable because it’s safe in its own way.  Since it’s all in my head I can play with it all I want and never actually get hurt.  Huzzah?  If I’ve missed the first round, is this self-realization to how I relate to men how I get into the second?  Is it truly cyclical? And if so, how do I do it well?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bonnie-gleicher/how-desirable-is-unavailable-a-bachelorettes-human-experiment

In which I had a boyfriend...

So, after a brief hiatus we return to our hero at the same spot we left her. Well, not the exact same spot, but close enough...

Two years. In the two years since I have really posted anything here a lot has changed, and yet nothing at all.

I had recently begun a new job last I posted, and by the long gap I think it's evident it took over most of my life. I was overworked, underpaid, and under appreciated. But somehow I thought that's what I deserved. It was a terrible experience, but it showed me quite certainly what I *didn't* want, which according to my mother, is half the battle. Learning to go after what I do want is the rest, so I am taking stock of my life to go after the kind of job I will at least be happy in.

I won't lie here. Leaving that job felt like failure. I am far less convinced of my skill and worth now as a result of it, and I'm finding it hard to seek a new one. I've a little money saved away, so I'm good for a bit (I'm calling it my "sabbatical"), and in this past month I've really begun to be my old self again. I went for a treat with a friend of mine on Monday, and she told me she was so worried for me, and how much I had changed, that she was going to tell me she thought I need to change my job, but then I quit. I was a little stunned. I knew I was becoming so negative, drinking a lot, and stopped caring about everything. I'm not normally like that, so it's been good to get my head out of that fog.

I also moved this past week. The old place had too many memories of the negative life I had created for myself, so I moved closer to the area I used to live in, and already I can feel the positive change in my life. It's walking distance to most things I do, where I hang out, and closer to my friends. It's amazing how much a change of scenery can boost you, mentally and emotionally.

So here I am, getting my life back on track. The past two years feeling like a dark, dank, depressing hole. I wish I had gotten out sooner. It always feels selfish to say, but I really do need to focus on me.

Also, in 2010 I had begun seeing someone. C*** was, I guess, somehow my first official boyfriend. He worked in the building where my offices were, and by September we were chatting every day, and I was taken with his sense of humour (which I find as very important in someone I'm interested in), his eclectic taste in music, and our chats on weird things like zombies.

It was because of our mutual interest that he came over to watch some zombie movies with me. I was unsure at the time if it was a "date", but was happy to spend the night chatting away. Before we knew it, seven hours had passed and we hadn't started a single film. We agreed to try again, and the same thing happened. I was smitten. He was smart, funny, and quite good-looking. Dare I dream that he might be interested in me that way?

A few more weeks went by, and by October he came out to meet some of my friends after a Hallowe'en show. At Christmas, I was unsure of how to ask if we were "seeing each other", and broached the topic by asking if we were at the stage to buy each other gifts. "No, I don't think so," was the response, and I admit, it kind of crushed me a little, but at least we talked about it. Amazing how much you can put up with on the potential promise of "the future", isn't it? So no gifts, but oddly enough he wanted me to meet his two sons. This took me aback. No gifts, but meet my sons? That seemed far more serious than just exchanging gifts, but okay.

C*** was going through a divorce, and while I was concerned he told me it was basically a done deal, the motions had been in place for a while, and his ex was a psycho, etc. We didn't talk about it much (I didn't think it my place to be involved), but I knew that his sons lived in another city with their mom, and C*** was depressed about that as he really loved his sons. Thus, his introducing them to me felt like a big deal.

They were quite adorable, and over the next couple of months, when they were in town, we took them to movies, and had dinner together. It was odd, but since I do not know if I really want kids of my own, it was rather nice at times to be out in a group that rather felt like a little family. One of C***'s son's said when we were waiting for an order one day, "I bet they think you're my mom." It struck me as odd, and I think I made a joke about it, but it made me think that if things progressed with their dad, maybe that might be the case. It might not be so bad.

C*** was also making noises about us as a couple. He seemed more into the idea, and we were spending a lot of time together. In the spring of 2011, some of my extended family had a barbeque, and I brought C*** . Afterward, something seemed to be bugging him, so I asked. He said he was disappointed that I hadn't been introducing him as my boyfriend to everyone. I was pretty surprised! Okay, I said, I didn't know that's what he had wanted, and in all honesty, I didn't know everyone's names, so introducing him would have meant introducing myself first and learning their name (I have a pretty big family). He seemed better after that, but from that point, we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend!

I was still pretty unsure how to handle it, but I was happy. A smart, funny, attractive guy willing to date me? I really never thought it would happen to me! It felt good. It might have felt really good, had our together time begun to drop right around that point. I thought maybe he was beginning to regret it. Regret me. I could understand that. I'm no catch. Work was also getting far more stressful. The business moved into a much larger space, and as such, I didn't see him every day anymore. Not to mention, as time went on, our plans fell through more and more.

I tried to talk myself out of thinking the worst. He had been under stress with the divorce (I also found out it hadn't been as long as I thought since the separation), and he admitted to having issues with depression. As someone who has suffered from depression I gave as much room as I could while remaining supportive. I was concerned I had been too clingy, or not there for him when he needed me. I tried not to feel bad when we made plans, but then he didn't feel well enough to follow through. I had previously turned people down when invited out to do things since I had plans with C*** , but as time went on, I began double-booking myself, almost. He was in touch less and less, and finally one night when he didn't show up, I texted that I would come over to his place if he didn't show up.

I arrived at his place to find him livid. Why did I go there? Didn't I know he wanted to be alone? He reeked of pot. I never liked that he smoked pot, but figured it was none of my business. I let it slide. Much like all the times he stood me up. Tonight I had really wanted to see him, and frustrated, I had let him know if he didn't show, I would stop by his place. He wasn't impressed.

“I told you if you didn't show up I would come here so you can't be surprised. It feels like you've been avoiding me.” I'll admit I was shaky. How could someone change so much? I could understand if he just didn't want to see me anymore. At least say as much, but making plans repeatedly only to break them confused me. Didn't people keep their word?

He was pissed. I didn't know what to do. It was over. So over.

It got worse.

I wasn't the only one he was seeing at the time. I found out months later. Our cleaning lady at the new office was the same lady from the last building. I had liked her work and hired her on contract. We visited while I worked late and she cleaned.

“Did R**** have her baby yet?” I asked. R**** was a young woman of 19 who had been pregnant last time I visited the old offices. I wasn't expecting the answer.

“Yes, and C*** finally admitted to being the father!”

You could have knocked me over with a strong breath. She was pregnant when C*** and I were together. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit. I wanted to die. So it's true after all. I'm not worth anything to anyone.

I worked hard to get over it. Time does wonders, but that sting of being cheated on stays with you. It's worse than never finding anyone. It's worse because you weren't enough, no matter what you gave. Someone was interested, and then didn't like what they saw. It validates every negative thing you ever thought of yourself because for once, you tried.

It gets worse.

I had had R**** as a friend on a social networking site. I had accepted her request because she was a young woman I was trying to be a good role model for, but instead I saw the happy photos of her and her baby. Of C*** .

I deleted her.

She messaged me. Why did I delete her?

I took a deep breath, and I told the truth. I wished her the best. I cried.

I'm not sure what's happened with her or him since. I know he lost his job because of it. The cleaner told me. He was a youth worker, and surprise surprise, she had been one of the youth at the centre. It made me feel sick.

I know at one point after those emails they broke up. She told me so in an email. She said they had been together for two years, so really, he cheated on her with me. I was the other woman. Which is weird. Does that make it better? Worse? It feels worse.

In the email where she asked why I deleted her, and I told the truth, she seemed very bitter (who wouldn't be?). I had told her that C*** should be the one she should be talking to. A following email told me they had broken up and I could have him back if I wanted. I told her I wished her and her baby the best, but not a chance in hell.

Last I heard they were together again.

And me? I sit here, with memories that needle me at inopportune times. It hits me again when I meet someone I like, or try to flirt, or chat with a really great guy. It makes me doubt everyone, and most of all, myself. It reminds me that I'll never be good enough, so why try at all...

Just One of the Guys (Part 2)

I’ve been trying to be more pro-active in all areas of my life.

The other night I decided I was going to drum up some liquid courage, and go back to the bar and try and talk to the Bartender. Two of my friends who are very aware of my ineptness came along, and we discovered the place was boring, and the Bartender wasn’t there. So we left and went to another bar. It was also dead, but I decided I would just have a beer then go home. My friend’s agreed.

Then “8-years-older than me guy” showed up. We hadn’t seen each other since a mutual friend’s fundraising event, and we hadn’t really been able to talk then. Oh, and talk we did.

I don’t know what it is with this guy and me, but we can’t seem to do simple conversations. The first time I met him I think we talked about our life goals, and he talked me into considering law school. Which I did. The last time we had talked, we discussed my parental issues, and he on his lack of ability with long term relationships. Seriously, we talk. This time, even with my new awesomer job, he chastised me for putting off law school, and we discussed his regret over losing the love of his life. Not exactly light fare for just running into each other and havin’ a beer stuff.

I guess as we talked intently my other friend’s took off, and his just went about doing whatever around us. At one point we moved tables, and the bar closed, but I don’t remember that. The next thing I knew was it was almost three in the morning, and I decided I had to walk home.

I remember he went to do something, and I used the time to sneak out otherwise I think we would have talked even longer. I used the 45 minute walk home to think about it.

He’s practically my perfect guy, except for the fact that he only sees me as one of the guys. We don’t see each other that often, (and something I am told often by other guys is that if a guy wants to see you, he’ll make time to see you), and with this dude, we more so just randomly run into each other. Another thing is, he always makes a comment on me being 8 years younger than him, which I wonder if that means he regrets I’m too young for him to date? But he’s currently dating someone, and she is (from my guess) a couple of years younger than me. So I don’t know what to think about him.

To be honest, I probably shouldn’t think about him at all. Too random. Too intense. Too… frustrating. He’s practically a summary of all my interactions with men. He’s good looking, smart, funny, interesting and outgoing. He thinks of me as one of the guys. When did this become a bad thing?

Woo.

Just One of the Guys (Part 1)

Ever since I was a kid I’ve been a tomboy. I did sports, cut my hair short, and preferred talking to guys over girls. Girls seemed catty and weird to me, and for a long time I was convinced I should have been born the opposite sex.

Puberty was a rough time for me. I developed everywhere I didn’t want to, and lost my guy friends because now I was obviously a girl. And it’s awkward playing touch football when you’re afraid of hurting the girl, or touching her girl parts. At least, that’s what it seemed like. Most of the guy’s had seen me as an equal for so long, it was weird when I was no longer just ‘one of the guys’.

So I lost the vast majority of my friends. What I had left was the few girls I spent time with. They also proceeded to get weirder as we aged. All of a sudden it was all about boys, dating, and makeup. Making hot guys like you was all that seemed to float around in their vapid heads, and as a result, I didn’t like spending time with them. But as any outcast can tell you, that gets lonely and awkward.

Fast forward many years. In my 20s, I noticed that things slowly began to balance out, and guys were willing to be my friends again with out all of the sexual weirdness. Or maybe it was still there, I just didn’t see it. At any rate, I had also made some decent female friends, provided we had some things in common. Things were looking up. Well, sort of.

You know that whole “teenage period of figuring out how to talk to the opposite sex, show you’re interested, date and have functioning relationships” thing? Well I never really learned that. I am still quite out of the loop. When everyone else was getting hot and heavy I was, for the most part, asexual. I didn’t care about dating, I just was pissed off my buddies were chasing tail instead of sports. And the girls were learning their way through all those mind game things that to this day I have no understanding of. Part of me hates that those seem to be tools in everyone else’s dating arsenal, but then another part of me regrets never having learned it.

Last weekend I went to a theme party a friend threw in a local pub. We had a private room with our own bartender. Pretty snazzy, yes. I was dressed quite nicely, with makeup and hair done. And apparently the bartender was hitting on me.

Apparently the bartender was hitting on me to the extent that every one of my friend’s at the party was trying to inform me of such. One did the cartoonish “gesturing towards him with her eyes” that I blatantly remarked, “What’s up with your eyes?” Not obvious enough? Another friend of mine tried walking me over to the bartender while saying loudly, “He. Likes. You.”

I waved it off somehow babbling about how that was not the case, he was just a good bartender. I think I said something else about how he must have sensed I was once a bartender, and there was a “Bartender’s Code”. I can’t quite remember what I said because I was rather drunk of the free wine the bartender was giving me all night. Yep.

*sigh*

So now I am reflecting, because I wonder a lot about how come no one wants to date me, and then things like that happen. I excel at realizing much later that something could have happened, but from the safety of my apartment, much later. That night, I waved away the general consensus of my friend’s because, quite honestly, I was afraid. See, I don’t know what to do when a guy shows interest in me. I don’t have the experience to draw on. I’ve never been asked out, and that was part of what I was thinking when talking to the bartender. Sure, he may seem interested, but unless he pulls me aside, and asks me out, I disagree that he was interested.

Does that sound like too much to ask for? My friend’s argue that his flirting was a way to see how interested *I* was, and since I didn’t flirt back he figured I was not interested. Then I get frustrated because I really have no clue how to flirt. I panic. I don’t look guys in the eye when I like them. I hide. I wind up not going back to that bar in case I run into that guy again. I wish I knew why I was so paralyzed by it, but I am.

Moving On, Moving Up

So... lately my life has been a HUGE explosion of crazy. In summary, I have decided to get over the last guy I was absolutely blind over. I sent him a text late one night seeing if he wanted to get an impromptu drink. It had been a while since I texted him, figuring he could use some time or whatever. He asked who was texting.

So after feeling like an idiot, I told him it was me, said “Forget about it.”, and deleted him from my phone, facebook, and email. Enough is enough. Bah.

Then, of course, is the self-pity parade I usually throw myself. But not this time. Instead I went, “Wait. Why?” Deep down, I knew he wasn’t right for me. I was mostly mad at the fact that I felt I had no romantic options whatsoever, so I projected hard onto this guy, who didn’t want me. Or if he did, he didn’t want me enough.

Some mutual friends (including his best friend) had told me "he’s shy, doesn’t know how to date, and he’s really into me" had me going for a while, but now that I am learning how to move forward, I expect that much from a guy in my life. No effort? Well, then I am now working at moving on. Oh, and then there are the oh-so-helpful friends who bluntly state it was “dead to begin with”, but even then I have to look at that optimistically. In the past, I would never have allowed anyone to know who I liked, never mind ask what they thought. And hearing their (albeit negative) opinion let’s me know I was on the wrong path. When I do date someone, it will because we feel right together, and we’ll know it.

After sitting down and thinking about it a while longer, I came to some solid footing. Even in my smitten haze, I knew there were things about him I had problems with. Things I made myself overlook, but now glared at me like reminders of just how much I will ignore to feel a connection with someone. For instance, he wasn’t that smart. Now usually that’s a HUGE turnoff for me. I had allowed getting to know him over time blind me to the fact that on average, he didn’t get the majority of my jokes or references. Ouch. Also, he talked rather slow. I think this links straight to not being so quick on the uptake. Perhaps now I am being too harsh? Well, friends had told me they didn’t feel he was the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I must admit, that pissed me off at the time so I had over-compensated it with “He’s shy”.

That’s another thing, though. He wasn’t outgoing at all. He was quite happy to sit home or at a friend’s playing video games day in and day out. I don’t mind that from time to time (in fact I find it romantic spending a night in), but he had no real social persona, nor inclination towards one that I ever saw. This was another blow since I am rather outgoing and am constantly busy. Add this to a complete lack of ambition, and I wonder how I managed to overlook something I find to be super important. Lately in my life I have begun to reaffirm my life goals, and take action. I went for the bigger and better job, and am making plans for my future. He once told me if he lost his job, he would “go on EI and wait for them to hire him back”. Solid plan there, mate. Add this to the new, ambitious and educated people I have been meeting lately now that I am back in the city, and Dreamboat’s ship begins to sink.

So I find myself in the familiar position of “Being Alone”, but now I am here without even the fantasy of a crush to look forward to. And in the light of setting goals, I think that should be on my list. Finding a Crush-Worthy Crush. It’s a start. :)

Boxes

This weekend a friend came over to pick up some boxes. She’s the one in my dance troupe who is getting a divorce, and their house just sold so she has to be out quickly. We wound up chatting for a bit since we really haven’t spent time together since the Vancouver trip.

Her: (excited) It’s getting better because once we’re out of the house, Vancouver guy is coming to visit me!

Yep. Weeks into her separation she hooked up with a guy on our trip. He wasn’t the only one hitting on her, but he was the nicest, funniest, etc. And now he is going to be making a trip across the country to see her for a weekend. I can’t help but feel a little envious. I push it down. I join her in her enthusiasm. She deserves some fun after everything her ex had been putting her through. He had accused her of cheating in the past, but she didn’t even kiss anyone else until the separation was official. I sat there thinking. Of course, I don’t get any kind of action, single as I am. Why is that? I refocus on what she’s saying.

Her: (excited) That’s not the only thing I have to look forward to. This other guy, an ex boyfriend, found out I’m getting divorced so he’s been calling me lately. We’re going to meet up next time he comes through town!

Me: (thinking) Oh, so two hook ups. That’s cool. Making up for lost time I suppose? What about *my* time? Who makes up for that?

Me: (out loud) What about that guy who lives in town?

Her: He’s a bit too young, but I see him every now and then.

Oh, three guys. Right. That have come forward. So far.

I sigh. Must be nice to be so desirable.

I had a dream the other night. In it this guy I have liked for years is my boyfriend. We’re lying in bed, arms around each other, not wanting to get up in the morning. My alarm goes off. I’m alone when I roll over, and I realize that’s why I didn’t want to get up. I remember one late night at my place when he told me how alone he was, how undesirable he was, and how he felt he would never get a girlfriend again because girls keep dumping him.

I did what I could to reassure him. At one point, somehow it came up how I was 8 years younger than him and I remember the look on his face, and how he acted made me feel he thought I was too young for him. I remember finding some consolation in that.

I saw him at a fundraiser the other week. He does this standing aside thing where he still sort of looks over at me. He used to do it when we saw each other in bars, as though afraid to be the first one to say hi. But he would always know where I was in the bar. Do I just intimidate people too much?

We stood in line by each other, and did the “Hey, howyadoin’?” thing you do when you can’t really talk to one another. Next to him was his girlfriend. She’s a couple of years younger than me.

The Divorcee and I flattened some boxes so she could fit them into her car easier. After a while we sat down and she brought out her cell phone.

Her: Look at what he sent me!

I take the phone and look at the text. It’s from Vancouver guy. She used to have a nickname for him in the phone in case her soon-to-be-ex checked out her phone, but the nickname is gone and his real name replaced it.

Me: (surprised) No more fake names?

Her: Nope. I’m not playing those games anymore. We’re getting divorced. He has no say in who I see.

I look back to the message and my throat tightens a little bit.

I miss you so much and can’t wait to see you.

I smile. There’s nothing else I can do. So I smile and hand back the phone,

Me: You’re very lucky.

Inside I am strained. Never in my life has a guy ever said that to me, text or otherwise. Some days I think it never will.

After a cigarette we haul the boxes to her car, and she drives away. I return to my apartment and sit for a while as the sun beams outside for the first time all week and I can hear families playing in the park across the street. It’s funny how you can feel so many emotions at once and still feel dead inside.

Evaluations

So lately I’ve been reading a few self-help books, and decided it was time to start focusing on improving some areas in my life. I want a stable job since my current one is term, and have begun redoing my resume and sending out applications. Woo me! :) I’ve also begun looking into gyms because I am not feeling at fit as I want to be, and am tired of complaining about it. Double woo! Since moving back to the city I have been going out every weekend, getting back into touch with old friends, and saying yes to pretty much every event I’ve been invited too. Triple word score!

I have still not been asked out.

*sigh* This really shouldn’t get to me, but it does. These last three months I have gotten dolled up and gone out, and met new people, and sparkled at social events, and met a bevy of interesting (and even single!) men… and nothing.

Let’s put it this way, I have a bunch of new facebook friends, but they are all women.

I just want to give up some days, you know? But all the books I am reading tell me that focusing on the negative only makes you go in that direction. Like begets like, and so on. I must admit, when I was in super self pity mode last year, stuck in a small town with my family I was pretty angry and enjoying my pity party so much I heavily disagreed with such practical advice. More than one book sailed across my room to my refrains of “Stupid book! What do you know?!?!” and the ever eloquent “Pft!”

After re-evaluating some things in my life I am in the “try everything” stage. If I am asked to do something, I say yes (unless I have another commitment). Lately, I’ve been to more birthday parties, book launches, wine and cheeses, rock bars, dance bars, piano bars and late night movie screenings than you can shake a day planner at. Until last night.

A group of girls from my dance group were going out to a hip bar where it was a 50s and 60s theme night, and after much debating and lethargy, I instead settled in with a bottle of wine and a couple of my favourite episodes of Sex and the City. Today I saw the pics they posted, and how much fun they had, but an odd feeling was hanging with me. The feeling of how I usually feel after partying. I get all dressed up, with such hope, wear some cute shoes and a new dress I made myself buy, do my hair and makeup, hit the town and… watch my friends get hit on.

So this morning, looking at the photos I still had that echo of “must be nice” breezing through me. I know, I know, I could have gone out with them, put it all behind me, or push it down and just enjoy myself, but it always surfaces. That feeling of being singled out, or alone even in a crowd. I’ve worked very hard lately not to throw pity parties, but I think I just felt so tired. Tired of doing it so often, and for what? I have great times with my friends, but I go home alone. Even if I opt for a night in, I am very alone. I have nobody, no man in my life to just “stay in” with. And as much as I’d like to think it doesn’t bug me, and as much as I want these books, and this effort not to be wasted, I find myself saddened by the half whispered thought.

So I sit.

And I sip.

And I cry.

highs and lows...

This past weekend was... messed up. Seriously surreal. To be honest, I am still a bit in shock over the series of events.

First off, I was experiencing a bit of a low. I am part of a dance troupe and we were going to Vancouver to perform at a festival. Should be a highlight (we were looking forward to it all year), and while indeed it was a coup, I was also kind of frustrated that because we had overbooked the show and then found out we had far less time than originally thought, my part got severely cut. The troupe leader asked me how I felt about it before we left, and I had to admit that considering how we had booked everyone else my part was the logical part to cut. But yes, it still bugged me. I wanted to go and wow those people, and instead I was reduced to sound clips. But again, it was my call, too. We could have cut our guest dancer, but she helped organize the festival, and I didn't want to be "that chick".

So we went, and we had an awesome motel! High! And I really get along with my dance troupe, so that was fun! And the area was filled with interesting restaurants! Chic shops! The festival itself was a blast! So many great shows and fantastic performers! Super high! I was really enjoying myself and looking forward to meeting everyone, and thought, 'Hey! Maybe I'll meet a guy!'

A few other girls in the troupe were single like me a while back, but have since met great men they are now dating. I was happy that they found someone, but a little frustrated that I don't seem to have that ease at meeting men. So was it selfish that I was kind of glad that one of my friend's who is now going through a divorce would be single in Vancouver with me? She even told me how much she was looking forward to having Girl's Nights Out. I was stoked.

Then she met a guy. Yep. The first night out. He wound up hanging out with us every night we were there. He was one of the lighting techs, so had access to all the same parties we did, which really helped with his hooking up with my friend. Good for them. Bitter for me. I know I should be glad she was able to have a fling of sorts, and get 'back into that game', but I can't help but feel I was once again the third wheel.

I tried to put it out of my mind and focus on having a good time. I decided I would try and flirt with someone. Another troupe had a really funny emcee, and in my mind funny = sexy, so I got up the nerve (translation = had a few drinks to get the nerve) to talk to him . Proud of me? Don't be. He barely even looked at me. My friend's kind of laughed it off for me, saying, "Wow, Friday. You tried talking to a guy who is even shyer than you around the opposite sex!" Shy? Or just not at all interested? Well, crap. Can I pick 'em or what?

So finally I decided that was it. Just enjoy the festival for what it was, and take in all the dance, all the glitter, and all the energy. Suddenly my phone went off. It was a friend back home asking if she could call me. Was it a good time? I found a quiet area and took the call. A very good friend of ours had just committed suicide.

I was in shock. I don't remember much else. I was pretty robotic the rest of the night, and for the rest of the trip. The memorial was yesterday, and I didn't go. I couldn’t go. I didn’t know how to feel, how to act…. it's still not real to me. I'm rather on autopilot, except now I keep looking back at my weekend before the phone call, and think how stupid I was being. But then my friend pops back into my mind, and I know he had a lot of the same problems as I did. Problems expressing myself, problems with relationships. And then I feel a tiny crack in my heart. I feel something try and leak out, and it's like it stains outwards, across my chest. And then I freeze again. And I feel stupid that I think my problems are so trivial. And again I remember how much we had in common, and it starts all over again, the crack getting bigger, the stain spreading.

I'm glad my friend met someone. We all need to have someone in our lives. Even if it's just for a while.

once upon a time...

Tonight I went to a book launch. It was for a friend’s partner who has become quite successful, and it took place in a gorgeous, historic theatre in town. I had read other books of his, and find his writing to be fluid and touching. I was looking forward to meeting with a group of friends who were also going, and I wanted to get a signed copy of the novel for my visiting mum who could not attend. At least, that’s what I told myself.

Here, well, here I can admit that I mainly wanted to go so that I could see the guy I am completely crushing on. He manages the theatre, and works most nights so I was sure he’d be there. How sad is that?

I mean, I did want all those things I talked about, but knowing that I might see him, and (godforbid) possibly even talk to him made me giddy and excited in a way that all the other draws just couldn’t.

So I bought the book, got dropped off, and wandered in searching for my friends I was to meet. And by ‘search for my friends’ I expect you to read ‘scope out the joint for any sign of him’.

Standing in the lobby, I ran into a couple of friends who had just had an adorable little puffball of cute, who was cooing and smiling with reckless abandon. These hippie friends of mine produce some damn fine offspring, so I stayed and chatted with them whilst making baby faces, and nodding sagely along with author’s comments before he went on stage. Of course, the whole time I was doing Navy Seal scans of the room for a Him sighting. When did I become this girl? Oh. Right. Always. I am something of a relationship voyeur. I prefer to watch from a distance. The sight of a guy I like can tide me over for days. I like to picture in my head all the things I would say and do, and all the things he would say and do, that would be cute and flirty. You know, and then a white unicorn would show up and offer us a ride into the sunset and so on.

The reality? I saw him. I got the flip flops in my tummy, and he didn’t see me. Fine, I say to myself. I’m here all night. Try again. Wave at least. Wave! Be cute! Smile and wave!

After the reading and Q & A, I took a place in the long line-up to get my copy signed. My group of friends stood to the side to wait for me while they debated if they wanted a Blizzard™ (Canadian ice cream treat) or beer afterwards. Then I saw him. Again. He was obviously working (carrying cables and microphones to and fro), but he was there. Time to whip out the big guns. I waited for him to look up so I could wave.

In total I waved three times. Nary a response. Was it me? Am I not waving enough? Was someone standing in front of me? At one point he walked passed me, and I got a case of nerves because I had finally waved in his direction and he hadn’t seen and had walked elsewhere. I felt like an ass. I felt like a Blizzard™. And considering I’m lactose intolerant, this means I was feeling mildly suicidal. Why do I let things like that get to me? I doubt he did it on purpose. He’s quite a nice guy. We talk on facebook from time to time. I just wanted a reason to interact with him in person, but instead I just looked like a spaz. Not that he saw that.

All in all it makes me wish I didn’t have such expectations. I wish I had been able to go to this event just expecting to hear an amazing writer, to meet up with my friends and enjoy a beer, and to get a book autographed for my mum. But instead I turned it into this epic, “this could be the night he walks straight over to me and declares his deep feelings for me”, and end scene. The curtain dropping, happily ever after. And really, was I expecting that? Kind of. I just know that I am getting tired of building things up so much in my head, and them never living up to my expectations. I really have to stop doing that. After all, it puts a lot of strain on not just me, but on him. Does he realize the expectations I have of him? It would probably freak him out. We’ve never even had one on one phone calls or talks or anything other than facebook chat.

Man, I need to stop doing this to myself.