Crux

It’s a tough feeling to shake; not being good enough.

I know I’m a loner, but I really want someone to fall asleep next to and wake up with every day.  I find myself aching for a connection, or even a touch.  A hug showing me that I’m part of something.  That I am wanted.

I told Married Tattoo Guy how I felt about him as a way to cut off this growing attachment I have.  I could have never expected he would say he cared about me back.  I wasn’t ready for it, and he obviously isn’t either. 

I don’t want to be a mistress, but aren’t I already?  I’ve these feelings inside of me I don’t know what to do with.  The only outlet seems to lead down a terrible path. 

I’ve been trying to distract myself.  Some articles I’ve read show that when you have a crush on someone, it acts like a homing beacon for your thoughts, creating OCD like symptoms.  Forbidden or secret relationships also bond the couple closer.  It also throws off dopamine and serotonin levels making everything feel THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE.  That I can agree with.

I feel stupid.  I feel like I’m once again settling for less.  I’ve managed to find a new kind of unavailable.  Huzzah.  At least I’m consistent.

After wing night last week we were sitting in his car and we talked.  I needed to say I had to get over him, but didn’t want to lose our friendship.  Was that even possible? 

He told me how much I was coming to mean for him.  He had no one to talk to.  No one but me.  I believe that.  He seemed surprised by the revelation.  I get why he went back to his wife before we had even met.  His responsibilities.  He’s making three people happy over his own happiness.  He said how he’s no longer in love with his wife.  He told me how he told her that, but she was fine with the façade.  He was going to try and live with that, being unhappy.  Fulfilling his obligations.  And then we met.

I told him I care about him, but don’t want to cause any problems for him.  I told him how I don’t even know how he got past my armour other than it was so unexpected I didn’t even have it up with him.  Our connection was instant, and we were both surprised by it. I told him I couldn’t lie to him even if I wanted to.  I told him I never wanted to hurt him, but I can’t have these feeling for someone I can’t be with.

And then he kissed me. And I felt wanted.

If I am to be Honest

I don’t want him to feel sorry, because I don’t feel sorry.  He asked a question.  I answered honestly.

“Do you want to kiss me?” 

“Yes. I do. But I can’t.”

I almost feel worse for doing the “right” thing.  It doesn’t stop how I feel about him.  It’s not stopping how he feels about me.  I messaged him back later the next day.

“The thing is I would like the chance again.  But I can’t while you’re married.  I won’t.  You’re not mine.  And I want you in my life, but I’d rather be a friend than a distraction.”

I almost hadn’t gone to wings that night.  I was tired from talking with Stunt Guy late the night before.  He was dealing with some issues, and we wound up closing the local pub talking it out.  I had some things I had wanted to talk about too, I just didn’t know how to say any of it.  So we hashed out his stuff.  I was tired all day, and had more side project work when I got home.

I had nearly convinced myself I was staying in when I got MTG’s text.  He and my former boss were the only ones who had showed up, and he was asking me if I was coming.  I could feel my will bending.  It’s a time of week I always look forward to.  More so now that MTG joins us on these nights.  Part of me was hoping he would text asking me to come.  Some nights we wind up for last call at the pub near my place.  I love those nights.  That night was one of those nights.

Usually I can’t make eye contact when I like someone.  But with MTG I find us staring at each other and then not looking away when we catch each other doing it.

I wanted to kiss him.  I still do.

A Certain Kind of Sadness

Gotye has a line in their song ‘Somebody that I Used to Know' that goes “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.”

That has been sticking with me, because I wonder if that’s why I get crushes on unattainable men.  I can’t be with them, so it creates this beautiful ache of unfairness and pain that I realized today – I’m kind of used to, and I oddly find comfort in its presence.  Sort of a “once again, I can’t have what I want, woe is me self-pity kind of ache.”  I am used to that ache.  Its presence is like an old acquaintance. Familiar.

I am trying to get over Married Tattoo Guy.  We had been texting pretty regularly, and I have been pretty honest with my feelings, but part of that is me honestly trying to be open about it so I can address it and get over him.  Does that make any sense?  I am used to liking someone in secret, and it kind of draws out the pain and unrequited discomfort that I think I am too comfortable with.  I have been hoping that by being honest, these feelings with ebb away, and I won’t care anymore. 

Well, maybe not anymore, but not in that way.  I am also trying to change these passionate lustful feelings into supportive ones for long-term friendship.  It’s been working somewhat.  I am able to clearly remember he is married and has not left her. 

Of course, last week on wing night he went on a pretty long rant about things.  Something I actively attempted to ignore because I don’t want to dwell.  Go me? Huzzah?  Later he sent a text apologizing for not going for another drink, because he was too “melancholy”, and that our friend Stunt Guy could fill me in.  I responded I didn’t need SG to fill me in, MTG could if he felt he needed to.  It was a good step for me.  Especially since I had just spent a chunk of the night trying not to get involved in his marital rant.  Distance.  I need distance.

And yet, I sent him a fairly bald text yesterday.  I want him to know I appreciate him, but that the timing is bad.  In retrospect it may have been seen as a flirt, but at the time I just wanted to say that I was glad I had met him.  Part of me regrets saying anything, but I also think it’s important as I learn how to identify my own feelings, and move away from unhealthy attachments.  As much as I like him, as smart, and funny, and good as it feels to hug him, I need to move on.  He’s married.  And if he does eventually separate, I had to ask myself; Am I the kind of girl who wants to be an Overlap?  A Mistress?  A Rebound?  Or a friend?

I’d rather be a friend.  And if, down the line many moons from now, when he is single, and if I am still single (haha if), then maybe we could try.  If he’s still interested.  And if I am.

Being Seen

"If you wanted me, I wouldn't have to guess." 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-one-person-youre-not-supposed-to-fall-in-love-with/

Yep.

Weird thing was, it wasn’t even a whole “getting through my armour” type thing.  With him there simply was no armour.  It was just us, side-by-side, laughing. 

When I realized what was going on, I had a moment of “What the fuck?” I must be malfunctioning.  And yet it simultaneously felt like something about me had started working.  It had never been broken, just not activated.

I’m not good by the bright light of day.  I feel I am more acceptable to men when it’s night, there are drinks, and I am somehow more… just more.  By day light I think it’s easy to forget about me. Write me off.  See how I don’t fit in at all with their real lives.  That all the emotions felt or hinted at were made of puffs of smoke that dissipate in the sunlight. 

Did you know people are discardable?  I am often that person.  The one who grabs the drinks, and knows when to bow out.  Or be interesting enough until something else comes along.  What am I made of is not the same thing as everyone else?  What about me is less tangible? 

No one has ever really pursued me, or fought to have me, or tried to keep me.  The few men I have been with were passing gents, or men who were mere boys, playing along until something worth their attention came along.  I remember one time a boyfriend trying to define things between us. I tensed, I was unwilling to compromise or be pressured to define things, and so he left.  I don’t know what I was not willing to define anymore.  But I felt it I made it official, it would hurt me, so I packed it up in a little box and ignored it.  Maybe we could have had something.  Instead I have nothing. 

I am uncomfortable with comfort.  I want so badly to have something familiar and loving, and yet, terrified of the chance it could end, I erect a wall.  I refuse connection as adamantly as I desire it.  And so messed up in my idea of self-worth.

I hate staring at my phone hoping for a small cute text. I hate sending them with the expectation you will GET IT, and love me for it.  I hate thinking it progresses anything instead of just irritating you.  I hate that very few and far between do you respond, making me cringe that its 5 from me, 1 from you.  I hate that I continue to do it.  I hate that it makes me look psychotic, but I can’t stop it.  I hate that I want it to mean more but am only good and fucking everything up.  I hate that before anything has really started, I’m assuring its end.

I want someone to ask questions about me. To wonder about me. To want the best for me.  To show that they’re thinking of me.  To actually to something to assure they will be with me.  But instead it’s all grey. And it stands out clear in that swirl of unclarity. 

So you’re with someone. Even if you feel the marriage is over. You are currently part of a couple. And me? I’m just kinda standing over here in a limbo.  Feelings wrapped up in you, but wanting to be wanted. What am I doing? Waiting?  Being unattainable?

There’s pain there. In you. Is that what I am drawn to? What would I say to him?  What will I say?

I’m scared by how much we clicked.  That you are married to someone else.  That I finally felt it.  That I am terrified it will never happen again for me.  It puts a stark contrast to being alone from coming so close to having had the one you fit so well with.

There’s a distinction between the right person and the right relationship — they aren’t the same thing. The right relationship won’t ask you to sacrifice parts of yourself. 

Acknowledging a Crush is Like Admitting Defeat

It sounds harsh, but it’s often how I feel.  Why is this on my mind?

This weekend I told Married Tattooed Guy that I have feelings for him, but that it is something that I need to get over.  I think my logic was if I addressed it, and put it out in the open, maybe it would go away.  I had kind of apologized for putting him in a weird position, but felt if I was to have any sort of honest friendship with him, it was something I needed to do.

Looking back, it feels like a rather selfish thing for me to have done.  However… he admitted to having feelings for me as well. 

Son of a. 

I really did not expect that. I had thought it, I had felt it, but I didn’t think he would say it.  I think we both felt relieved that the other one has feelings, too, but he is married.  We talked a little about why we may be feeling this way- he having home issues and feeling belittled for so long, and I admitted I tend to be drawn to situations that prevent progress.  We sat in his car after he had driven me home from a fire at a friend’s backyard, listening to music, and then before I got out of the car we hugged.  I probably shouldn’t’ve.  We shouldnt’ve.  But it felt right, and I couldn’t help myself. 

It hurts in the long, drawn out way where your head yells at you for being stupid, and your tummy tightens because you are justsoclose and yet- I can’t bring myself to pursue him.  He has a lot he needs to take care of, and I do not want to be any sort of impediment.  But aren’t I already?  

I was already missing him before I let go and got out of the car.  My stomach was tense until I got the text from him letting me know he was home safe and sound.  Home.  With his wife and kids.  Okay, that’s not entirely true.  He’s been living in the basement.  Still…

I am the worst.  I stupidly reveal my emotions so I won’t have them anymore, dumping on him.  It’s actually reciprocated.  Why? Because it can’t be? He’s felt so unloved for so long that maybe my attention makes him feel better?  I’ve been reading enough to know that is often the case.  It’s not me, it’s the attention, right?  All of this doesn’t make me feel any better, or dissuade the feeling that when I am with him he feels like my match.

I had really begun to think that finding someone I felt was my match wouldn’t happen.  I guess it still hasn’t.  He is unavailable.  When I got his text that he was home safe, I apologized if I had put him off in anyway due to my telling him my feelings.  He replied he wasn’t put off by me, and that he very much enjoys spending time with me.  My gut wrenched. 

I think I really need to focus on finding someone for me, not someone who is tied up with someone else.  Someone who can freely be with me.  Someone I am able to be with completely.  Maybe I can look at this as a good thing since it shows I am able to have deep feelings for someone when I was getting worried all I could feel were shallow, fleeting crushes I do absolutely nothing about, as opposed to deeper real emotions.  I think I could easily feel that for MTG, so there’s hope that if I stop focusing on him, that I can have those feelings for someone else.  It’s possible. 

So now? I need to stop texting.  I need to create space between us again.  I need to get over missing him.  I need to ignore how right he feels.  It can’t be right, after all, he’s married.  I need to stop wanting him.  Stop bothering him while he works through what he needs to.

I obviously still need to work on me. 

If You See the Pattern, Can You Break It?

Something I wrote last post stuck out, and I wanted to address it.

“He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.” 

This was about my one guy friend; however, I think I do this too.  I say this because I notice I often create situations that keep me from the object of my affection.  Unrequited.  I am beginning to see a pattern in how I approach (or more honestly, avoid) relationships. For example…

Married Tattoo Guy, well he’s still very much always on my mind.   We text pretty frequently now, and I am unsure how to feel about the excitement I get when I see he’s sent a text.  I was reading somewhere that chatting like that can be a sign of infidelity since they are confiding their hopes and dreams to you and not their spouse, and I can see that to an extent, however we also just keep each other up to date on things in our lives, because that’s what friends do.  Of course, I feel for him differently than other friends, yes.  I can tell he does too, and it’s confusing.  Am I attracted because he’s married, thus unavailable so I can play out a fantasy in my head?  I often have unrequited emotions for the men I am attracted to, but this feels different since I feel he is also attracted to me.

I recently had a different married man friend who seemed to be attracted to me (something in the water?), so I have been thinking about what I’m putting out there.  I’m not attracted to Married Army Guy, but as friends we’ve covered a lot of ground about his strained feelings in his marriage.  Maybe because of the emotions involved he had transferred some to me?  I was a bit concerned about it, but felt it was something I could shut down if he ever tried something, but with Married Tattoo Guy I seriously doubt my resolve.  I’ve told myself I am not the type to get involved with a married man, but I acknowledge I have some strong feelings here. 

Recently, MTG told me he was applying for a new job, and I was genuinely so proud of him.  He replied that it meant a lot to him.  I was glad he felt able to share such things with me (as in I don’t think he had told anyone else yet) because I actually cared to ask, and genuinely want good things for him.  Hard to share those things with someone you are having a strained relationship with.  

One of the strangest things for me and MTG is I feel very comfortable around him.  I know with regular guys, when I know they’re in a relationship I tend to relax because if they’re off limits, it makes it easier for me to be myself without me or them worrying I’m hitting on them or vice-versa.   I prefer hanging out with guys, but I feel that whole topic of sex and sexuality has to be removed before real friendship can develop.   With MTG, however, I felt very connected with him immediately, and I am not the strange awkward person I usually am around a guy I like.  Maybe because he is in fact married.  I can’t explain it very well, but I am calm and relaxed around him.  I can easily meet his eye, or make casual contact in a way I am usually super aware of.  I can find myself sitting next to him and sharing a smoke easily, or giving him a hug before realizing I should not be so familiar with him.  I am not used to being so physically comfortable with someone I like, and that’s what makes me uncomfortable.  Does that even make sense?  I tried to ignore how much we clicked when we first met, but now…

Oh geez, this is beginning to sound like the diary of a mistress.  I know I do not want to be with someone if they are married, or really even separated.  I know this because of my one official relationship, the guy was separated- and actually with someone else entirely, making me the mistress and feeling like utter shit.  I feel that MTG is not in a space to be entering into anything new, especially considering he is in the process of ending a very serious long-term relationship.  And I wouldn’t want to be a rebound, or enter into a relationship right after that.  It feels like overlap.  It feels wrong.  I know these things, and yet I still have these strong feelings, and want to be with him. 

I am trying very hard to turn this into something else.  To turn these emotions into just a deep and lasting friendship.  To be there for him, and support him since he is dealing with such intense emotions, and not be a distraction.  I know he needs to end his marriage on his own terms, or their own terms.  I very much do not want to complicate anything, but here I am, feeling complicated.  Now that he’s in my life, I don’t want him to leave.  It just struck me because I was not expecting to have such strong emotions so immediately for someone. 

I think another part of it is the whole “If he is interested in you, he’ll let you know”, and I feel this is reciprocated, it just can’t be reciprocated.  I remember meeting his gaze at a fire this past weekend.  We just looked at each other, and knew.  It was unlike anything I’ve ever really experienced.  It was just there.  Connection.  Plain and simple.  I know we’re both thinking, “Ah, this timing is crap.”

It also blows my mind that we had never met before.  In all the years I’ve known Stunt Guy (going on 8?), we’ve never met.  They’ve been pretty much best friends for 20 years, and it was only recently that MTG and I met.  Just over a month ago?  It boggles my mind how people can come out of nowhere and just feel like a natural part of your life. 

Okay, I need to stop that.

So how it fits into my pattern is; It is a relationship that cannot happen.  He is married.  I can only pine from a distance.  It seems to fit my pattern quite well.  What makes it unusual for me is I feel he actually reciprocates, but cannot do anything about it.  Our hands are tied.  Way to break the mould, Friday.

Okay. So I think basically what I need to do is start dating.  Go find some single men and get over this feeling.  Transfer it, or something.  Keep busy and don’t continue to fall for MTG.  Of course, if it were that easy, I’d probably have been dating this entire time.  Damnit.