Crux

It’s a tough feeling to shake; not being good enough.

I know I’m a loner, but I really want someone to fall asleep next to and wake up with every day.  I find myself aching for a connection, or even a touch.  A hug showing me that I’m part of something.  That I am wanted.

I told Married Tattoo Guy how I felt about him as a way to cut off this growing attachment I have.  I could have never expected he would say he cared about me back.  I wasn’t ready for it, and he obviously isn’t either. 

I don’t want to be a mistress, but aren’t I already?  I’ve these feelings inside of me I don’t know what to do with.  The only outlet seems to lead down a terrible path. 

I’ve been trying to distract myself.  Some articles I’ve read show that when you have a crush on someone, it acts like a homing beacon for your thoughts, creating OCD like symptoms.  Forbidden or secret relationships also bond the couple closer.  It also throws off dopamine and serotonin levels making everything feel THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE.  That I can agree with.

I feel stupid.  I feel like I’m once again settling for less.  I’ve managed to find a new kind of unavailable.  Huzzah.  At least I’m consistent.

After wing night last week we were sitting in his car and we talked.  I needed to say I had to get over him, but didn’t want to lose our friendship.  Was that even possible? 

He told me how much I was coming to mean for him.  He had no one to talk to.  No one but me.  I believe that.  He seemed surprised by the revelation.  I get why he went back to his wife before we had even met.  His responsibilities.  He’s making three people happy over his own happiness.  He said how he’s no longer in love with his wife.  He told me how he told her that, but she was fine with the façade.  He was going to try and live with that, being unhappy.  Fulfilling his obligations.  And then we met.

I told him I care about him, but don’t want to cause any problems for him.  I told him how I don’t even know how he got past my armour other than it was so unexpected I didn’t even have it up with him.  Our connection was instant, and we were both surprised by it. I told him I couldn’t lie to him even if I wanted to.  I told him I never wanted to hurt him, but I can’t have these feeling for someone I can’t be with.

And then he kissed me. And I felt wanted.

If You See the Pattern, Can You Break It?

Something I wrote last post stuck out, and I wanted to address it.

“He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.” 

This was about my one guy friend; however, I think I do this too.  I say this because I notice I often create situations that keep me from the object of my affection.  Unrequited.  I am beginning to see a pattern in how I approach (or more honestly, avoid) relationships. For example…

Married Tattoo Guy, well he’s still very much always on my mind.   We text pretty frequently now, and I am unsure how to feel about the excitement I get when I see he’s sent a text.  I was reading somewhere that chatting like that can be a sign of infidelity since they are confiding their hopes and dreams to you and not their spouse, and I can see that to an extent, however we also just keep each other up to date on things in our lives, because that’s what friends do.  Of course, I feel for him differently than other friends, yes.  I can tell he does too, and it’s confusing.  Am I attracted because he’s married, thus unavailable so I can play out a fantasy in my head?  I often have unrequited emotions for the men I am attracted to, but this feels different since I feel he is also attracted to me.

I recently had a different married man friend who seemed to be attracted to me (something in the water?), so I have been thinking about what I’m putting out there.  I’m not attracted to Married Army Guy, but as friends we’ve covered a lot of ground about his strained feelings in his marriage.  Maybe because of the emotions involved he had transferred some to me?  I was a bit concerned about it, but felt it was something I could shut down if he ever tried something, but with Married Tattoo Guy I seriously doubt my resolve.  I’ve told myself I am not the type to get involved with a married man, but I acknowledge I have some strong feelings here. 

Recently, MTG told me he was applying for a new job, and I was genuinely so proud of him.  He replied that it meant a lot to him.  I was glad he felt able to share such things with me (as in I don’t think he had told anyone else yet) because I actually cared to ask, and genuinely want good things for him.  Hard to share those things with someone you are having a strained relationship with.  

One of the strangest things for me and MTG is I feel very comfortable around him.  I know with regular guys, when I know they’re in a relationship I tend to relax because if they’re off limits, it makes it easier for me to be myself without me or them worrying I’m hitting on them or vice-versa.   I prefer hanging out with guys, but I feel that whole topic of sex and sexuality has to be removed before real friendship can develop.   With MTG, however, I felt very connected with him immediately, and I am not the strange awkward person I usually am around a guy I like.  Maybe because he is in fact married.  I can’t explain it very well, but I am calm and relaxed around him.  I can easily meet his eye, or make casual contact in a way I am usually super aware of.  I can find myself sitting next to him and sharing a smoke easily, or giving him a hug before realizing I should not be so familiar with him.  I am not used to being so physically comfortable with someone I like, and that’s what makes me uncomfortable.  Does that even make sense?  I tried to ignore how much we clicked when we first met, but now…

Oh geez, this is beginning to sound like the diary of a mistress.  I know I do not want to be with someone if they are married, or really even separated.  I know this because of my one official relationship, the guy was separated- and actually with someone else entirely, making me the mistress and feeling like utter shit.  I feel that MTG is not in a space to be entering into anything new, especially considering he is in the process of ending a very serious long-term relationship.  And I wouldn’t want to be a rebound, or enter into a relationship right after that.  It feels like overlap.  It feels wrong.  I know these things, and yet I still have these strong feelings, and want to be with him. 

I am trying very hard to turn this into something else.  To turn these emotions into just a deep and lasting friendship.  To be there for him, and support him since he is dealing with such intense emotions, and not be a distraction.  I know he needs to end his marriage on his own terms, or their own terms.  I very much do not want to complicate anything, but here I am, feeling complicated.  Now that he’s in my life, I don’t want him to leave.  It just struck me because I was not expecting to have such strong emotions so immediately for someone. 

I think another part of it is the whole “If he is interested in you, he’ll let you know”, and I feel this is reciprocated, it just can’t be reciprocated.  I remember meeting his gaze at a fire this past weekend.  We just looked at each other, and knew.  It was unlike anything I’ve ever really experienced.  It was just there.  Connection.  Plain and simple.  I know we’re both thinking, “Ah, this timing is crap.”

It also blows my mind that we had never met before.  In all the years I’ve known Stunt Guy (going on 8?), we’ve never met.  They’ve been pretty much best friends for 20 years, and it was only recently that MTG and I met.  Just over a month ago?  It boggles my mind how people can come out of nowhere and just feel like a natural part of your life. 

Okay, I need to stop that.

So how it fits into my pattern is; It is a relationship that cannot happen.  He is married.  I can only pine from a distance.  It seems to fit my pattern quite well.  What makes it unusual for me is I feel he actually reciprocates, but cannot do anything about it.  Our hands are tied.  Way to break the mould, Friday.

Okay. So I think basically what I need to do is start dating.  Go find some single men and get over this feeling.  Transfer it, or something.  Keep busy and don’t continue to fall for MTG.  Of course, if it were that easy, I’d probably have been dating this entire time.  Damnit.  

I Missed the First Round…

I’m going to be 34 soon.   In just over a month.  I think I’m alright with my age.  Nothing I can do to change it anyways.  I’m often mistaken for much younger, which I suppose is a good thing, though a lot of my friends are older than me. I just wish I was further ahead, or near where I think someone of my age should be.  I wish I knew better what that actually meant.  Maybe then I could make some moves towards it.

When I was finishing high school I moved into a house of University students, and I’m still friends with a good number of them.  As they were almost done Uni, they’re on average five years older than me.  When I worked at a dinner theatre, the people I got along with were about ten years older.  It’s funny.  I don’t think I’m particularly mature for my age.

I partially bring it up because when I have a birthday, there is something a bit of lackluster to them.  Any big milestone, my friends have already hit.  I remember turning 25 and going, “Wow”, but it wasn’t considered anything by my friends who were dealing with hitting 30. And yep, when I hit 30, they were thinking about how much closer to 40 they are.

My one friend, the Stunt Guy, is almost ten years older than me to the day.  We’ve often celebrated together, but I do get some weird looks from other people when they find out he’s ten years older than me, and one of my best friends.  Apparently, it’s an issue for people? At any rate, his last few birthdays he’s been more and more morose.  He’s been in an excruciatingly long divorce (five years), and I know as time goes on he’s worried he will never find someone to settle down and have kids with.  He’s worried he’s running out of time.  It’s weird, but for all the women I hear that complain men don’t want to settle down, I know quite a few.

As time goes on I keep hearing about more and more divorces.  It’s discouraging. The cynic in me pounces on this information, though. “See? It doesn’t work out for anyone.  Why should you be happy? You don’t deserve it.  Those people deserved it more, and it didn’t work out for them.” Everyone has a story, and they’re not all happy endings.

Not be completely depressing, I do see the odd successful relationship, too.  And these friends are good enough not to hide the fact that they have ups and downs, and work very hard at their relationship.  I always find it fascinating when we’re out for dinner or having a backyard fire and maybe they disagree, and I see them actively work through their disagreement.  I think it’s very healthy, and reminds me if I meet someone I want to be with, I have a lot for things to work on since I am such a creature of habit who has carved out a very independent (some would say solitary) life.  I know I’m not good with compromise (I’m quite selfish, and I see that), since I have not had to consider someone else in a very long time, and I have not had much experience learning how to be in a relationship.  I missed crucial learning stages in my teens and 20s.

There’s this scene in “Northern Exposure” I remember from watching as a youth that has resonated with me more and more as I get older.

Maggie: I never meet anybody. And even if I do, it's never someone I'd even conceive of having a relationship with. Why is it all the good guys are taken, Ed?
Ed: Well…
Maggie: It's 'cause I missed the first round. That's it. I mean, these things are cyclical. All the men I'd ever be interested in are already married. So I guess I'll just have to be patient, wait for the divorces.

Speaking of age differences I remember one time, having some drinks post-bar with some people, the subject of ages had come up.  I was standing next to this one guy I ran into every now and then.  We would drink and talk well into the morning about nothing and everything.  We seriously know things about each other no one else does, but he would become stand offish from time to time, like he was torn between telling me everything, and telling me nothing.  We met when he was dating a friend of mine, so I considered him off-limits.  That stuck with me pretty hard even after they had broken up.

His friend asked how old I was.  I think I was 27 or 28 at the time, and the friend was near my age, but it turned out the guy I was close to was about 8 years older than me.  I remember him pausing, and thinking hard about that.  He repeated it almost reluctantly, “So… you’re eight years younger than me…”, as he stared into the distance.  I had furrowed my brow, and remember wondering if he figured I was too young for him, which I didn’t think made much sense since his buddy had just said he was my age.  I think that’s when it first popped into my head he figured I was too young to date.  Yes, this is the same guy who later dated someone younger than me, so I don’t know what to think of his logic anymore.

I probably misread the situation.  It seems I rather misread him.  It really sucks because I miss our talks.  I miss him.  Add that to he never really sought me out.  I mean, when we ran into each other, we were inseparable, but I think that scared him a bit.  I know I am terrified of situations where people get to know me too well (trust issues and all that).  His are a bit different, though.  He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.

____

How serendipitous; I just read an interesting article about the perception of unavailability.  It rather puts me and 8-years-older-than-me guy, and even Married Tattooed Guy in perspective.  How much in perspective?  I am truly acknowledging that Tattooed Guy is married.  No grey, tantalizing, nervous-energy, emotional response area.  That can be a very enticing, and a very stupid place to be.  I know I am not a superhot babe with whom they picture themselves with upon first meeting (regardless of relationship status - everyone looks).  It’s usually after we get to know each other and share personal experiences that they give me a potential second look. I think this article helped explain to me a bit how I relate to, and how men relate to me.

It makes sense, though.  I have severe trust issues.  I am drawn to the unavailable because it’s safe in its own way.  Since it’s all in my head I can play with it all I want and never actually get hurt.  Huzzah?  If I’ve missed the first round, is this self-realization to how I relate to men how I get into the second?  Is it truly cyclical? And if so, how do I do it well?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bonnie-gleicher/how-desirable-is-unavailable-a-bachelorettes-human-experiment

Greener Grass

I’ve discovered that Guy I Swapped Numbers With But Am Afraid to Text reminds me of Shel Silverstein.  You know, that artist who wrote “Where the Sidewalk Ends”, and “The Giving Tree”?  It’s an odd connection to make, but I think it is suiting since this guy is also a writer of sorts.

I made the connection because he was lightly referenced in a little programme I’ve been watching called “The Girls Next Door”.  If you’re not familiar with it, it was a reality show about the live-in girlfriends of Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy.  I’m strangely attracted to these shows, because of how much sexuality is flaunted, and how confident these women are.  Yes, they’re practically clones (one of the ladies states she was raised in a closing lab for Hef, haha), but man do they enjoy having fun.  They laugh very easily, and are thoroughly in the moment, which is refreshing to watch.  I think I take things far too seriously most times.  I can see why men would want to be around these women.  They’re fun.  They’re sweet.  They’re also catty to each other and their hierarchy, and not often the smartest, but they’re living in a mansion and ride in private jets so I can be jealous if I want to. 

Anyways, there was about five seconds were an old photo of Shel was shown, and the beard and serious looking but smiley face made me go, “Yep. Doppelgänger.”  I think I will tell him so next time I run into him.  I think it’s a compliment, so if he knows who and what I’m talking about, huzzah.  Yep.  Already planning casual conversation in case I run into him again.  I’d find it sad if it didn’t come in so handy sometimes. 

In weird news, I recently begun to wonder about a pattern I’m seeing emerge regarding married men. Specifically, unhappily married men, and their possible attraction to me.  Considering I’m usually not very good at picking up on male interest, it’s beginning to bother me, and I’m wondering if I’m imagining it, or what am I putting out there if this is the case?

I met a tattooed friend of a friend at our regular wing night a few weeks ago.  Tattooed Guy had been staying with my Stunt Guy friend since he was dealing with marital issues.  I actually have quite a few friends dealing with separation and divorce right now.  It’s not very reassuring for someone like me who can’t date to see these commitments fall apart. Flag:  trust issues.  It’s also tough for me sometimes to really understand how they’re feeling since I have not had a long-term relationship.  So I listen, and offer what support I can. 

Well last week, while chatting away this new guy confided quite a bit to me.  I’m pretty used to it (I often have more to hear than say when it comes to relationships), but it felt very intense, and he felt really focused on me.  He mentioned how being back at his house with his wife has made him so unhappy.  I get talking to someone new can be good since they can provide a fresh take on things, but part of me is worried that he may mistake this immediate closeness and my willingness to listen as something else.  Part of me is worried I'm mistaking it for something else as well. I do find him attractive, but I’m I have no desire to be a mistress. I say this as someone who found out that her first real boyfriend experience was really her first real mistress experience.  I mentioned trust issues, right? Yeah.  I really hope it’s not a vibe I put off.  I get along with guys, I try to be friendly like I do with anyone, but I’ve noticed that men who are in unhappy relationships tend to gravitate towards me.  Stunt Guy said it’s because I listen, and don’t wrap myself up in drama.  So I’m simple and that’s attractive? Weird.

This is the second unhappily married man who has confided in me in so many months.  Two months ago I had a weird… interaction? One sided conversation?  I’m not even sure how to word it.  As an electrician, he was in town for a month for a job, and we met for drinks or dinner every now and again.  We have friends in common from University, but he had joined the army and moved away, and since then most of our mutual friends have moved away so he called me up.  It was good, until it got very intense and weird.  A few drinks in, he would say things like, “Why is my wife even with me?” Sometimes I can see when people are fishing, but it wasn’t until our last hangout that he apologized for “making things weird” and did a series of long looks and several almost started sentences that I had to cut the visit short and go home.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine who has gone through similar things, and he said some people do leave their spouses for someone else. It’s an urban myth they don’t -but it doesn’t mean they want the person.  They want a reason.  They want what that person represents.  (Back story: Someone left their spouse for him, but that wasn’t what he had wanted, and eventually both relationships ended.)

I’m pretty dense most times, but I do not want someone to use me as a reason to leave their wife, especially when it’s not me they really want.  They want what they consider easy and drama-free.  I guess someone like me who doesn’t have much relationship experience, and thus lacks that dating drama would seem less emotionally draining.

When did I become drama-free, interesting, and seductive? Wtf. How do I turn that to single guys I like?

It’s been a weird time.