Bro'ed In is the New Friend Zone

I got bro'ed in again.

I guess another term for it is "friend zoned', though I've noticed most women tend to hate that term and say it doesn't exist.  If it doesn’t exist then why do I feel like I was just friend zoned?

I don’t mean I just met someone and since I'm nice to them I expect sex/ dating to be the end result. I mean, I literally met him on a dating site, we've been out together a few times. He even built me a picnic table. And yet we're only 'friends'. I got friend zoned on a dating site.

He told me about a crush he has on a bartender at a pub we went to. Before we went in. On the way to bar he told me. And she was working. He flirted. I sat there. I felt horrible. I should have known better. I should have been prepared.

To be fair, before we met we both talked about our apprehension about online dating, and agreed to a non-date date. We went for a walk around the river. We walked for several hours, and around 7.5 km. Then we sat on the back on his truck and talked for another hour or so until it was quite late. We agreed to meet again. We had so much to talk about! So much in common, experience-wise even though we came from pretty different backgrounds. It was nice. It wasn’t stilted. He was cute. He was kind. He didn’t end things early. I let myself hope.

On this first "non-date" (that should have been a warning sign), I told him I wanted to get a picnic table for my yard. He offered to build it! So the second date/ non-date we went to a hardware store (which we both love). Then I offered to buy him lunch for helping me, so we went to a Mexican restaurant, and somehow even came across a mini-fair and he nailed the bell on the hammer game! I cheered for him and it felt surreal that we sort of had three-mini dates on the one! Well… non-date.

The third time, I got up early (for me) on a Saturday, and we hauled the wood I had spent the week staining to his place where he has a workshop. We spent the day in his workshop building and measuring (me mostly staying out of the way), listening to his music, and talking. It felt nice. Comfortable. We broke for lunch when we had to grab a bit more wood (I changed my mind on the bench width and he graciously accommodated). His mom was apparently a bit peeved he was working on a project for me instead of her deck. I could tell it bothered him that his family demands so much of him. I felt regretful I was taking up his time.

"Don't be. I do things for people I like! You're practically family now and I love my family!" he reassured me. I felt my heart lift. I ignored the "love" part because I was sure I had misunderstood.  Maybe he just meant he feels obligated to do things for his family and he puts up with it out of love, so helping me is not a big deal. But still it made me feel closer to him. A guy was happy to help me out. I'm not used to kindness.

It kind of hurt to write that down. To say it out loud. But it's true. I'm not the kind of girl guys go out of their way to help. I remember every instance a guy has bought me a drink in a bar because it’s been twice in my life and one of those was a friend’s boyfriend getting me a pity drink and being utterly surprised when I tried to pay him back. The second time I was so dumbfounded I bought the guy a drink back and he sort of went “huh”, and never did it again.

We finished the table and benches and hauled them back to my place. We were joking, and proud of doing such a big project in one day. Then we agreed to meet up with my roommate to go for dinner and some celebratory beer! I asked him to pick the place. I felt good. It all felt really good. We worked well together. Maybe next time would be a real date.

We joked on our way. I asked what was good on the menu.

He recounted his favourite things, and that he goes there regularly. And that it doesn't hurt they hired a new waitress because she was hot, and then he began to recount how he's tried to look good for her because he wanted to date her.

It felt like my heart dropped out for a moment.

He went on about a little story about how he had tried to impress her. I found myself kind of hollow laughing back. "Ha ha, yeah." I echoed, as my body numbed.

I was bro'ed in again. Already. Perhaps from the beginning.

I had told him when we first started talking that I realized I wasn't the ideal. I thought him a kindred spirit because his profile had said much the same. But it was his picture of him smiling up at the sun that had made me message. I had been about to delete my profile when he responded. We had good talks. Long talks. We would thoroughly go over our day, and appreciated how each added to the conversation.

He noted he wanted to take things slow. I agreed. I was not good at dating, and liked the idea of seeing if we could be friends first.

I can't even remember the first time I was bro'ed in. It's just something that seems to happen.  Guys don't see me as dating material. I'm always too loud. Or too intense. I've heard a lot that I'm intimidating. I've attempted to speak softer. Watch what I say. Be more demure. Be interested in him. Then I've been fed up with that, and gone back to being myself.  It still happens the same. "So there’s this chick-". They'll talk about a hot girl they saw. Or they'll tell me about their dating and how hard it is to find someone.

I got out of his truck and we walked in. She was working. He smiled. He joked. He pulled his weight as a regular to get us a giant pitcher of beer from her. I sat. I ate. I paid.

It was the last thank you meal for him helping me out. I offered to take him for beers and food. You know. Like a good bro would.

Commitment Issues

It's been a while since I posted, so there are a lot of thoughts in my head. Bear with me?

8-years-older than me guy is engaged.  I found out online, and while I clicked “like”, all I could think of was I really hope he’s happy.  We haven’t seen or talked to each other in ages.  I knew he was seeing someone since the beginning of winter.  I know he’s wanted to get married for quite a while. He once wept on my shoulder, crying that no one would ever love him how he wanted to be loved. I held him and said there are many kinds of love, and I that loved him. That he would find that love if he was looking for it. She must be age appropriate.

Less than a year? Is that all it takes? I remember my guy friends saying if they want something- specifically if they want to be with someone, they work to make it happen.  I can appreciate that, I’m just sad and bitter because I feel like no one will ever feel that way about me.

The guy I’ve been seeing for about a month now is British, and about 9 years older than me. I don’t care about the age difference, but I know we’re in somewhat different areas of our life.  He’s got a house, and a daughter, two puppies, and a stressful job.  I’m working for a temp agency and just moved again recently from an apartment to a shared house.  When we do spend time together, he’s funny and sweet, and caring.  I find he drops some things into conversation that I find rather odd for this “just being casual”.  Sweet things.  He jokes about needing someone to take care of him and do I know anyone?  I laugh and play it off. I try to ignore it, but I find I’m replaying them in my head.  Maybe he *is* more serious than he’s been letting on.

And then I see he’s reposted his ad.  And I deflate. I remember I’m not good enough.  So I remove the weight from his words.  I should just enjoy it while I have it, right?

Part of me also wonders if he’s saying those things to get feedback from me that it is okay.  That I want something more too, but I’m not responding right.  Or when I do, he realizes that he doesn’t really mean it, they’re just nice things to say.  I’m pretty confused about how to proceed.  Or do I give up?  Go for broke when I meet someone and insist we start out dating all proper like so I have a chance at forever...

But it’s been so long and no one has sought me out, so I went online and messaged someone myself.

And now we cuddle and watch a movie and I say something like how much I enjoy it and would be happy if I never moved again. And then he says he likes it too, but how will he know I’ll be there in a year?  But then, how do I?  Last week we were talking and he said how much I move and change jobs “freaks” him out. He feels if he commits to me I’ll lose interest, like he’s one of my apartments. I’ll get tired of him and move.  He has an incredibly valid point.

I replied that people and relationships are different.  The ones I want I keep with me.  That I’m seeking a good long-term job, don’t have plans to move anytime soon, and if I do I want to it be to a little house all my own forever.  I really do want those things.  It was nice to finally say.  Scary, but truthful.  He seemed a little convinced, but then there’s that ad, reposted.  And I hurt inside.  Because I was honest.

I’m tired of not being pursued.  I would like someone to chase me for once.   It’s very difficult for someone as transient and emotionally detached as me to say, but I want someone to take care of me. I want to take care of them back. It hurts to admit that.

I’m wanting forever, and I responded to a casual ad. I do it to myself.

It’s Been a While Since I’ve Tried…

My commitment issues are keeping me from a relationship. Not because I don’t want to commit, but because the guy I am seeing is worried I will lose interest and leave him. But isn’t that the reality of any relationship? I was happy to meet someone awesome and love that we are able to be so open with our thoughts. But I feel like my honestly is costing me.  Yes, I have commitment issues. But the fact that I was to try for the first time in… forever, should also have some weight.  We met online and both expected things just to be casual.  But then we got along so well we began making more time for each other, and now… I’m trying not to make him my be all and end all.  I’m trying to keep it light, because I am afraid of being hurt. I know he is as well, but keeping it open and non-serious makes me feel we’re not giving it a real chance. Yes we said one thing going in, but if I'm feeling more, I want to try.  I would like for us to agree to each other.  We tried for a few days but then he said he didn’t know if he could commit to someone who has such deeply embedded issues, and I understood.  But now I feel like I’m settling for a half relationship, and I’m ready for a full one. 

Perhaps he’s not the one after all.  Perhaps he’s right about me.

In the spirit of outright honesty, we met on a hookup site.  I messaged him, and after a few messages, we met.  I’m a large girl so I was worried he wouldn’t like me. He would be repulsed or something (I do not have a good body image), but he liked it.  True, he did put seeking a BBW, and I owned that when I responded, but you never know.  I’m not a lot of people’s cup of tea.  But he liked pretty much everything about me. I owned up to why I was seeking casual: I’ve got commitment issues but wanted to date.  He said he understood.  He’s got a daughter who stays with him weekends, and has a very busy job and felt it would be unfair to try and have a regular relationship.

It got pretty serious pretty fast (wow, someone likes me!), and now that we’ve pumped the breaks, I’m finding I would be happy with just him.  Am I just glomming on because he's the first guy in so long to show interest? There’s a different guy with whom I spend time with on and off and when I hung out with him the other weekend I did feel I was being unfaithful to the new guy, even though he had once again made it clear we weren’t a couple.  He still has an ad up online, so I look at it from time to time to remind myself he’s not completely committed, so I shouldn’t fall for him.  I have an online profile that I reactivated, and met a guy for drinks last night.  We didn’t click in anyway, and it just made me miss my guy so much.  So I reminded myself by looking at his ad. He wants something else.

I am not the one after all.  I was right about me.

I’m Friend-Zoning Myself

I’ve been working on a plan.  This plan? Just to be a friend.  To be okay with just being a friend.  I am not just referring to MTG, but in general.  I’ve been thinking if I really am going to love someone and want to be with them, I need to like them fully and completely as a person first.  Curb the lust, the passion and impulsive nature of my crushes.  I think it may be working.

To assure myself I won’t do anything stupid that could ruin my friendship with MTG, I have been thinking hard about *why* I’m so attracted to him.  I’m trying to calm myself and see it as the basis of a great friendship instead of feeding into those powerful feelings of WANT.  I would rather have a long lasting and solid friendship with him- or anyone- than the twitchy and tense feelings that lust often settles in me.  Those feelings that paralyze me.

I really want him to be happy, and once I realized this, it occurred to me that if he worked things out with his wife, I’d need to be okay with that, and to support him.  And if they end it, I am not okay with being a rebound, or some sort of overlap to his singledom.  That would hurt too much, and I already know I care too much about him to be discarded. 

It’s been tough, but I am feeling stronger for it.

He texted last night.  Had a rough day, and so we joked back and forth.  I was out trying to watch a meteor shower (saw bupkis, by the way), and though I mentioned what I was doing, I didn’t invite him.  I’m working on boundaries.  

I am now not reading so much into it, and it’s been good.  I still care, and think he’d have to stop being him for me not to care anymore, but I’m also keeping in mind things like he’s left and gone back twice now, and if he finally decides that it’s really over, that’s his decision to make. 

In the meantime I’m going to continue working on me.  I’m going to maybe check out some other guys who are actually available.  No idea if I will date them, but I’m not a strong dater to begin with.  I despise clichés about dating, but odds are there are still some nice sweet guys out there. Maybe an available one will take an interest in me, and I will like him back.   I won’t notice though if I’m fixated on what I can’t have.

Availability

How do I find available men? I don’t just mean guys who are single.  I mean guys who are single, and actually emotionally available.   This means not hung up on someone (sorry, 8 Year Guy), dealing with a failing marriage (sorry, Married Tattoo Guy), or secretly seeing someone else all along (not sorry at all, First “Real” Boyfriend).

You’d think there’d be some decent dudes out there, and there are, but I’m friends with them, not dating them.  I’m constantly surprised how often I hear girls talk about there are no good guys, and I think of all my awesome single guy friends, but I am (usually) not attracted to them in that way, so I guess I can’t really count that? I don’t know.  And now here I am saying the same thing.  So okay, time to clarify even further.

I would like to meet single, available guys, who I am attracted to, who want to date me as well.  I suppose specifics are helpful in cases like this. 

I was reading online how to get out of a dating (or lack thereof) rut, and how to stop putting roadblocks to relationships up.  I know I have commitment and trust issues, but I also see that until I have an idea of what I would like, I won’t notice them if I see it. These articles also said things like people can create unrealistic expectations which results in permanent singleness.  Since I’ve been single so very long, I took a hard look at myself, and what I think I actually want.  Actually, one of the articles pissed me off because it said things like having unrealistic expectations like dating outside of your league will make you sad and alone, and to lower your standards.  I do have high standards, but they weren’t the “wash board abs”, and height requirements or paycheque things the article listed.  I have refused to be in a relationship where I feel like shit, and the one time I was, I honestly thought perhaps I was imagining my doubts because of my commitment issues.  Was I creating problems because I’m terrified of relationships? 

In the past, I’ve caused problems because of my fear of commitment.  I had one guy I was seeing, and he was practically living with me, but he wouldn’t have sex with me unless I admitted that we were boyfriend and girlfriend.  I said, “Fine by me. No sex.”  I refused to be ultimatum’ed. I wasn’t going to be pressured into a relationship, and yet looking back I guess we really were a couple.  However, I still have issues with saying he was my boyfriend.  Probably because I feel a boyfriend wouldn’t have made that condition if he had actually understood me, and my fear of commitment.

Oh, and one funny thing is the more articles I read, I keep coming across how girls are upset with how often guys use the fear of commitment card.  But I totally get it.  I do.  So I read these articles, and kind of laugh and tense inside.  Why is it so easy for everyone else?  More than once I’ve had an awkward conversation where I guy I was kind of seeing said, “It feels like you’re the guy”, when I refused to open up and talk about my emotions, or introduce them as my boyfriend, or meet my family, or countless other examples.  This may sound like I’ve had a parade of guys, but it’s been very few and far between, and I don’t seem to be getting any better.

I need to work on flirting, and after recounting these tales, I think I need to work on making myself available.  I think I’m much more ready to have a relationship, but I think I’d still cringe if I was asked to commit, or make anything official.  I’m much better in the shadows.  I guess I can’t have it both ways.  So I lurk.  I get crushes on the unavailable.  

How Does One Get “Asked Out”?

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

Seriously.  Tell it to me like I’m a four-year-old.  If you can break it down onto post-it notes, I’d be much obliged.  Because man, am I doing something wrong.

I get I’m not the hottest.  I do.  Empirically, I’m average.  Add to that I happen to be overweight. Okay.  Smarts-wise, I’m a bit more prepared.  I can use the word irony correctly.  But there are a lot more unattractive people, and heavier people, and people who think Alanis really nailed that song who are in long-term relationships, and I am just sitting here, knowing I use way too many commas.

Nothing really hits it home quicker or more succinctly that I am not appealing to the opposite sex than hanging out with a good-looking friend of mine.  They get hit on ALL THE TIME.  And they handle it well, because they are used to it.  “You’re beautiful! Would you like to go out some time?”  Little clouds of men form around these women.  Suddenly I’m a rejected satellite to this gorgeous Hotness Planet I came with.  I get it.  They’re attractive.  Not only that, they’re intelligent, funny, caring people.  I know because I wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t.  So am I allowed to envy this? Resent it? I try not to.

It still hurts to be around.  I’ve mastered the art of, “No worries, I’ve got to go over here and stare at this odd brick pattern anyways.”

I’ve studied enough sociology and psychology to understand why people are drawn to certain traits (seriously, I’ve written papers on it), and get if you hit on attractive people you’re eventually going to find some that are smart and nice instead of evil and shallow.  Those are some goods odds.  People are nice to attractive people, so they’re used to it.  They’re often very kind back.  True story.

Not ‘hot’ people get the shaft.  People are not as willing to give the benefit of the doubt that spending their time with you is worth the effort of finding a match.  There are other hot people to meet and maybe make that connection with.  It sucks. I know, I know… Heeeey, green grass…

I am quite lucky to have some very attractive friends.  I often use the line that attractive people attract attractive people (ha ha), and it can be a bit of a bubble.  I seem to have subverted it by working in bars for years (hired for skill, not looks), and being witty enough to make it past my below average veneer.  As a result, I find myself from time to time wondering what I am doing faking it around these people who may accept me for some reasons, but will never date me.

Am I shallow for wanting the hot people to want to date me? Yes.  I am shallow.  Deep down I am very shallow (ha ha).  I want to be attracted to whom I date, but I also find some people get less attractive when they have a bad personality.  I find they are more attractive when they are insightful, intelligent, and funny.  I’m often told this, too.  People seem to be more attracted to me the more they talk with me, and so on, but it never leads to dating.  It’s frustrating.

Simply put, I don’t get asked out.  I get invited to things, but it’s not the same.  And it often reminds me that I am not the same.  I can ignore it most of the time.  It only really stings when people literally stop us on the street to talk to my friend, or I get a, “Oh, you too” invite when sitting next to my friend.

I think I’m pretty quick witted (I am told this enough that I am inclined to believe it), funny to be around, am involved in things, and try to engage honestly with people.  I’m not the worst, just not the best.  Average is what it is, but there are many, many average people out there with successful dating lives.

I know I’m not the most confident, but I have really worked at breaking out of this the past year.  After a heavy funk and depression, I am focusing on being happier and more balanced.  I just keep coming back to this huge area of my life that no development or real progress has been made.  I’ve been trying to talk more, flirt more, and ask guys to do things.  This was like pulling teeth, but I’ve been working at it.  It just hasn’t been panning out.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve selected carefully my ‘object’ of affection (of the moment), but the whole “if he is interested, he’ll ask you out” does hang over my head quite a bit.

I ran into the guy with whom I swapped numbers with the other day.  Maybe that’s why this came up again.  It was in a gas station.  One I pretty much never stop at, but did that day.  His smile was big and genuine, so I got a little thump in my chest, and kind of missed what I was saying in walking to the counter to pay.  Picturing music, and clever banter, and an invite for coffee?  Ha. 

At the till was another friend I had not seen in a very long time.  Cue catch up session with him all through my transaction, and walk back to my car.  I think phone number guy gave a quick wave as we left, but yeah.  Friendship was a blocker that day.  Don’t get me wrong, I in no way begrudge my long-time friend I had run into, it’s just one of those “Of course it would happen this way. You’re you, Friday.  Don’t forget.” kind of moments.

I hugged my long-time friend goodbye when we reached our cars, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t felt a pang of regret and irritancy.  I wish I was a better person sometimes. 

The Male of the Species Is More ___ Than the Female

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

Back to the male side of relationship things, I guess I can elaborate a bit more about the shy guy who may have hit on me.  I was with a friend, and she’s about as clueless as I am, and it wasn’t until he wandered away that she mentioned he may have been interested in me. I’ll explain.

I went to a local comic event, and was wearing a Star Trek costume. Just the Uhura red dress, nothing intense like some of the awesome costumes I saw.  I love comics and nerdy/ geeky stuff like that, but I don’t see them as nerdy/ geeky, I see them as interesting and creative.  New worlds you create in your mind!  Ha, maybe that’s why I like them so much. :)  Anyways, this guy comes up to me and my friend and gestures to his camera phone asking if I would take a picture.  Keep in mind, we were by the photo area, and there were some celebrities nearby, so I thought he wanted me to use his phone to maybe take a photo of him and a celebrity.  Turns out he was asking to take a photo of me in my uniform.

I’m fairly insecure about my body, but I did dress up and go to a public place, so I nervously smiled and got the photo done.  He stood there a bit longer and made some small talk about how he debated on dressing up.  As he was wearing a Batman shirt, I commented something non-smooth about I almost wore the same shirt but changed my mind last minute.  We joked he could maybe label himself #1 Batman fan, but people may just try and fight him for the title. 

After he left it, that’s when my friend made the observation.  She said she probably needed to work on her wingman skills, but I noted both he and I seemed pretty awkward at small talk, so it may not have helped.  I was a bit optimistic to see him somewhere else, though.  I mean, he’s obviously into the same kind of things I am, which is good. I often find after talking to guys I find attractive (though few and far between), that the nerdy, smart ones are the most interesting.  I’m going to let myself feel good about this, even though it makes me nervous.

Along those lines, I met a guy a couple of months ago I have to admit I have been very drawn to.  I’m not used to that.  Light crushes, yes.  I’m pretty good a quashing my feelings because they only lead to disappointment and embarrassment, but this guy seemed genuinely kind and smart, and I had a great time talking with him.  Wine may have helped.

A few weeks later I ran into him again, and fortified by probably beer and a great night so far, I chatted with him again and we swapped numbers.  I seriously never do that, but we had talked about some events coming up we were both interested in.  I was pretty excited but also constantly reminding myself that he probably just wanted some people with mutual interests to go to these things with.  I get that. I’m no prize looks wise, so I’m often not considered datable material by guys when they meet me.  Regardless I was excited at the prospect just to talk with him again. 

It took me a lot to get up the nerve (so much I can’t believe I did it), but I summoned resolve from somewhere to ask if he would be interested in seeing a play that weekend.  I gave him lots of time to respond, but I have to admit, when I didn’t get a response that first day or two it really bothered me. Why did I even bother? All those negative thoughts you have about yourself are made concrete when someone won’t even respond.  But then I got a reply.  He would be out of town, regretted he couldn’t make it, and rain check? 

I have to admit I am still unsure how to feel.  I didn’t respond. I felt stupid, and needy, and stupid some more.  I still want to see him, but I don’t know how I’ll react. Part of me thinks I’ll act like nothing happened, or that it didn’t mean anything, but it did.  Not just because he’s the first guy in a really long time I’ve actually talked to, but because I went out on a bit of a limb.  It’s not that it’s totally unfamiliar territory, it’s more that whenever I do, the guy turns out to not be interested.  Yes, he said “rain check”, but that could also just be a way to soften to blow of no.

I’ve heard time and time again from my platonic guy friends that if a guy is interested, he’ll make sure you know, and I spend a lot of my time in this made-up in-between world, fantasizing that they’re interested, or building up the courage to ask me out, or whatever.  It’s happened pretty regularly for me.  Meet a guy, get a crush, think maybe they’re interested, and find out a few days later they’re seeing someone, or that they’ve met someone since meeting me. Someone they go for.

One of the most recent gut-punches was a poet I met who joked one night after someone gave him a stage kiss that he could really go for one again, and looked directly at me.  A few weeks later he asked me to take a photo of him. I happily complied, and as I did he mentioned how he wanted his new girlfriend to see the picture since she couldn’t make it to the show. Ouch. Message received. 

It was a nice photo.  It was his profile picture for a long time.  Now it’s him and his girlfriend. 

I guess that’s sort of my reasoning for feeling like maybe the Batman guy just wanted a pic of the costume.  Nerds at a nerd event. Nothing more.  Damn, I really didn’t mean to talk myself out of a hopeful feeling.

In which I had a boyfriend...

So, after a brief hiatus we return to our hero at the same spot we left her. Well, not the exact same spot, but close enough...

Two years. In the two years since I have really posted anything here a lot has changed, and yet nothing at all.

I had recently begun a new job last I posted, and by the long gap I think it's evident it took over most of my life. I was overworked, underpaid, and under appreciated. But somehow I thought that's what I deserved. It was a terrible experience, but it showed me quite certainly what I *didn't* want, which according to my mother, is half the battle. Learning to go after what I do want is the rest, so I am taking stock of my life to go after the kind of job I will at least be happy in.

I won't lie here. Leaving that job felt like failure. I am far less convinced of my skill and worth now as a result of it, and I'm finding it hard to seek a new one. I've a little money saved away, so I'm good for a bit (I'm calling it my "sabbatical"), and in this past month I've really begun to be my old self again. I went for a treat with a friend of mine on Monday, and she told me she was so worried for me, and how much I had changed, that she was going to tell me she thought I need to change my job, but then I quit. I was a little stunned. I knew I was becoming so negative, drinking a lot, and stopped caring about everything. I'm not normally like that, so it's been good to get my head out of that fog.

I also moved this past week. The old place had too many memories of the negative life I had created for myself, so I moved closer to the area I used to live in, and already I can feel the positive change in my life. It's walking distance to most things I do, where I hang out, and closer to my friends. It's amazing how much a change of scenery can boost you, mentally and emotionally.

So here I am, getting my life back on track. The past two years feeling like a dark, dank, depressing hole. I wish I had gotten out sooner. It always feels selfish to say, but I really do need to focus on me.

Also, in 2010 I had begun seeing someone. C*** was, I guess, somehow my first official boyfriend. He worked in the building where my offices were, and by September we were chatting every day, and I was taken with his sense of humour (which I find as very important in someone I'm interested in), his eclectic taste in music, and our chats on weird things like zombies.

It was because of our mutual interest that he came over to watch some zombie movies with me. I was unsure at the time if it was a "date", but was happy to spend the night chatting away. Before we knew it, seven hours had passed and we hadn't started a single film. We agreed to try again, and the same thing happened. I was smitten. He was smart, funny, and quite good-looking. Dare I dream that he might be interested in me that way?

A few more weeks went by, and by October he came out to meet some of my friends after a Hallowe'en show. At Christmas, I was unsure of how to ask if we were "seeing each other", and broached the topic by asking if we were at the stage to buy each other gifts. "No, I don't think so," was the response, and I admit, it kind of crushed me a little, but at least we talked about it. Amazing how much you can put up with on the potential promise of "the future", isn't it? So no gifts, but oddly enough he wanted me to meet his two sons. This took me aback. No gifts, but meet my sons? That seemed far more serious than just exchanging gifts, but okay.

C*** was going through a divorce, and while I was concerned he told me it was basically a done deal, the motions had been in place for a while, and his ex was a psycho, etc. We didn't talk about it much (I didn't think it my place to be involved), but I knew that his sons lived in another city with their mom, and C*** was depressed about that as he really loved his sons. Thus, his introducing them to me felt like a big deal.

They were quite adorable, and over the next couple of months, when they were in town, we took them to movies, and had dinner together. It was odd, but since I do not know if I really want kids of my own, it was rather nice at times to be out in a group that rather felt like a little family. One of C***'s son's said when we were waiting for an order one day, "I bet they think you're my mom." It struck me as odd, and I think I made a joke about it, but it made me think that if things progressed with their dad, maybe that might be the case. It might not be so bad.

C*** was also making noises about us as a couple. He seemed more into the idea, and we were spending a lot of time together. In the spring of 2011, some of my extended family had a barbeque, and I brought C*** . Afterward, something seemed to be bugging him, so I asked. He said he was disappointed that I hadn't been introducing him as my boyfriend to everyone. I was pretty surprised! Okay, I said, I didn't know that's what he had wanted, and in all honesty, I didn't know everyone's names, so introducing him would have meant introducing myself first and learning their name (I have a pretty big family). He seemed better after that, but from that point, we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend!

I was still pretty unsure how to handle it, but I was happy. A smart, funny, attractive guy willing to date me? I really never thought it would happen to me! It felt good. It might have felt really good, had our together time begun to drop right around that point. I thought maybe he was beginning to regret it. Regret me. I could understand that. I'm no catch. Work was also getting far more stressful. The business moved into a much larger space, and as such, I didn't see him every day anymore. Not to mention, as time went on, our plans fell through more and more.

I tried to talk myself out of thinking the worst. He had been under stress with the divorce (I also found out it hadn't been as long as I thought since the separation), and he admitted to having issues with depression. As someone who has suffered from depression I gave as much room as I could while remaining supportive. I was concerned I had been too clingy, or not there for him when he needed me. I tried not to feel bad when we made plans, but then he didn't feel well enough to follow through. I had previously turned people down when invited out to do things since I had plans with C*** , but as time went on, I began double-booking myself, almost. He was in touch less and less, and finally one night when he didn't show up, I texted that I would come over to his place if he didn't show up.

I arrived at his place to find him livid. Why did I go there? Didn't I know he wanted to be alone? He reeked of pot. I never liked that he smoked pot, but figured it was none of my business. I let it slide. Much like all the times he stood me up. Tonight I had really wanted to see him, and frustrated, I had let him know if he didn't show, I would stop by his place. He wasn't impressed.

“I told you if you didn't show up I would come here so you can't be surprised. It feels like you've been avoiding me.” I'll admit I was shaky. How could someone change so much? I could understand if he just didn't want to see me anymore. At least say as much, but making plans repeatedly only to break them confused me. Didn't people keep their word?

He was pissed. I didn't know what to do. It was over. So over.

It got worse.

I wasn't the only one he was seeing at the time. I found out months later. Our cleaning lady at the new office was the same lady from the last building. I had liked her work and hired her on contract. We visited while I worked late and she cleaned.

“Did R**** have her baby yet?” I asked. R**** was a young woman of 19 who had been pregnant last time I visited the old offices. I wasn't expecting the answer.

“Yes, and C*** finally admitted to being the father!”

You could have knocked me over with a strong breath. She was pregnant when C*** and I were together. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit. I wanted to die. So it's true after all. I'm not worth anything to anyone.

I worked hard to get over it. Time does wonders, but that sting of being cheated on stays with you. It's worse than never finding anyone. It's worse because you weren't enough, no matter what you gave. Someone was interested, and then didn't like what they saw. It validates every negative thing you ever thought of yourself because for once, you tried.

It gets worse.

I had had R**** as a friend on a social networking site. I had accepted her request because she was a young woman I was trying to be a good role model for, but instead I saw the happy photos of her and her baby. Of C*** .

I deleted her.

She messaged me. Why did I delete her?

I took a deep breath, and I told the truth. I wished her the best. I cried.

I'm not sure what's happened with her or him since. I know he lost his job because of it. The cleaner told me. He was a youth worker, and surprise surprise, she had been one of the youth at the centre. It made me feel sick.

I know at one point after those emails they broke up. She told me so in an email. She said they had been together for two years, so really, he cheated on her with me. I was the other woman. Which is weird. Does that make it better? Worse? It feels worse.

In the email where she asked why I deleted her, and I told the truth, she seemed very bitter (who wouldn't be?). I had told her that C*** should be the one she should be talking to. A following email told me they had broken up and I could have him back if I wanted. I told her I wished her and her baby the best, but not a chance in hell.

Last I heard they were together again.

And me? I sit here, with memories that needle me at inopportune times. It hits me again when I meet someone I like, or try to flirt, or chat with a really great guy. It makes me doubt everyone, and most of all, myself. It reminds me that I'll never be good enough, so why try at all...