Last night I was part of an awkward group hug. I’m also the one who made it awkward,
I realize, but it’s hard not to when the guy you like hugs you, and you know
you can’t be with him. I
even said, “Awkward acknowledgement of hug” in case there was any question. I
felt more awkward after I said it. Awesome.
It’s almost been a month, but I’ve been missing him texting me all
the time, and updating me on his life. There was a few times when we hung
out in a group, but it’s different than when we would sit together in his car,
him sharing a song with me, or just talking. I need to not dwell on that,
but when you’ve almost resigned yourself to never meeting someone and then you
meet a fantastic person who feels like your match, it’s crushing that they’re
taken. So I’m trying to get over it. Trying.
A major reason why I haven’t seen him much, other than I think
he’s trying to distance himself from me (which I understand), is things have
been pretty hectic, family wise. My uncle is in the hospital for
the past three weeks, almost a month. He was a fire fighter for
twenty-five years who travelled all over North America coordinating large scale
fire battles (is that what they’re called? If not, they should be.). As a
result he has two types of lung disease, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder
(COPD), and Interstitial Lung Disease (ILD). It’s common amongst fire fighters
to develop these conditions. And it doesn’t look good.
So my aunt was staying with me in my tiny apartment for two weeks,
and then over another week my cousins joined too, so there were four of us in
my tiny one-bedroomed apartment. I spent a good deal of that time on a
camping cot in my living room, and driving them to and from the hospital on my
way to and from work, and spending my evenings at the hospital. I had
previously considered med school and thus had taken a medical terminology
class, and volunteered in a paediatrics ward when I was in high
school, so I have a basic grasp of medical language. Thus, I’ve been
liaising a bit with the doctors and nurses on behalf of my aunt and uncle so
they understand what’s going on and can make the best decisions in a terrible
situation.
It’s been a tough time. Last week we got them into a lodge
(apartment building, really), across from the hospital, so that’s good.
They can walk over whenever they want, and I have my space back. Man,
have I missed my bed. Not that I regret helping out. I have a
fairly large family, but so many of them are selfish or I just never connected
with. This uncle is one of the good ones, and I’ve always really gotten
along with his wife. So this has been rough. My mum thanked me the
other day for keeping her and the other aunts updated, and all I could respond
was they would do the same for us.
I’ve been trying very hard to stay strong. For them.
For me. But it also strikes me as weird that when tragedy strikes, I
somehow become a robot who deals with the unpleasant side of things. When
my cousin died last year, that was me again, dealing with the police, doctors,
coroner... Now my uncle is in the hospital, and I had to explain to him
and his wife that when they transfer him off life support to a BiPAP oxygen
mask, things could go wrong so they needed to make some tough decisions.
It was the first time my aunt broke down crying in front of me because I
couldn’t sugar coat that he could die right then and there.
Nothing makes you feel shittier than destroying someone’s sense of
hope. But they had to be prepared. Thank goodness it was a best
case scenario where he’s doing much better on the BiPAP. Maybe as a
pessimist I insulate myself to the shit, but the upside is sometimes I’m
pleasantly surprised. It’s somewhat short-lived though, as his condition
is so severe he doesn’t have much more time, but another day or two or week
makes all the difference for my giving and loving aunt. It’s been amazing
seeing their love and dedication to each other through all of this. Love
exists. I would have never fucking believed it, but there it is.
On top of all of this (But wait! There's more!), my dance troupe
has a show this weekend, so I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.
Work. Hospital. Prep for show. Drive errands. Rehearse. Make sure my aunt eats. Make sure I eat. Updating my cousins on their dad’s
condition because they don’t want to see him on life support. I find when I’m
stressed my natural inclination is to push down feelings, and drink. Those are usually opposing factors, so
I’m feeling drained. After
this show, Imma sleep forever maybe. Like
being dead without the commitment, as I once read.
One of the strangest things that has come out of this, is that I
found myself staring at my uncle as he was resting one night. I had sent
my aunt to get herself some dinner. She doesn’t want to go to a real restaurant
so she can be close to him. I found myself wondering if someone
would ever love me that way. I found myself wishing, just for a moment,
that I could take his place so they could have more time with each other.
Maybe that’s why I help in these situations. It makes me
feel something. I can’t handle the emotions on one level, so I channel it
into busy work. To distance myself so I don’t really feel it, I throw
myself in head first.
Awkward acknowledgement of feelings.
