Awkward Post is Awkward

Last night I was part of an awkward group hug.  I’m also the one who made it awkward, I realize, but it’s hard not to when the guy you like hugs you, and you know you can’t be with him.  I even said, “Awkward acknowledgement of hug” in case there was any question. I felt more awkward after I said it.  Awesome.

It’s almost been a month, but I’ve been missing him texting me all the time, and updating me on his life.  There was a few times when we hung out in a group, but it’s different than when we would sit together in his car, him sharing a song with me, or just talking.  I need to not dwell on that, but when you’ve almost resigned yourself to never meeting someone and then you meet a fantastic person who feels like your match, it’s crushing that they’re taken.  So I’m trying to get over it.  Trying.

A major reason why I haven’t seen him much, other than I think he’s trying to distance himself from me (which I understand), is things have been pretty hectic, family wise.   My uncle is in the hospital for the past three weeks, almost a month.  He was a fire fighter for twenty-five years who travelled all over North America coordinating large scale fire battles (is that what they’re called? If not, they should be.).  As a result he has two types of lung disease, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder (COPD), and Interstitial Lung Disease (ILD). It’s common amongst fire fighters to develop these conditions.  And it doesn’t look good. 

So my aunt was staying with me in my tiny apartment for two weeks, and then over another week my cousins joined too, so there were four of us in my tiny one-bedroomed apartment.  I spent a good deal of that time on a camping cot in my living room, and driving them to and from the hospital on my way to and from work, and spending my evenings at the hospital.  I had previously considered med school and thus had taken a medical terminology class, and volunteered in a paediatrics ward when I was in high school, so I have a basic grasp of medical language.  Thus, I’ve been liaising a bit with the doctors and nurses on behalf of my aunt and uncle so they understand what’s going on and can make the best decisions in a terrible situation.

It’s been a tough time.  Last week we got them into a lodge (apartment building, really), across from the hospital, so that’s good.  They can walk over whenever they want, and I have my space back.  Man, have I missed my bed.  Not that I regret helping out.  I have a fairly large family, but so many of them are selfish or I just never connected with.  This uncle is one of the good ones, and I’ve always really gotten along with his wife.  So this has been rough.  My mum thanked me the other day for keeping her and the other aunts updated, and all I could respond was they would do the same for us. 

I’ve been trying very hard to stay strong.  For them.  For me.  But it also strikes me as weird that when tragedy strikes, I somehow become a robot who deals with the unpleasant side of things.  When my cousin died last year, that was me again, dealing with the police, doctors, coroner...  Now my uncle is in the hospital, and I had to explain to him and his wife that when they transfer him off life support to a BiPAP oxygen mask, things could go wrong so they needed to make some tough decisions.  It was the first time my aunt broke down crying in front of me because I couldn’t sugar coat that he could die right then and there. 

Nothing makes you feel shittier than destroying someone’s sense of hope.  But they had to be prepared.  Thank goodness it was a best case scenario where he’s doing much better on the BiPAP.  Maybe as a pessimist I insulate myself to the shit, but the upside is sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised.  It’s somewhat short-lived though, as his condition is so severe he doesn’t have much more time, but another day or two or week makes all the difference for my giving and loving aunt.  It’s been amazing seeing their love and dedication to each other through all of this.  Love exists.  I would have never fucking believed it, but there it is.

On top of all of this (But wait! There's more!), my dance troupe has a show this weekend, so I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.  Work.  Hospital.  Prep for show. Drive errands.   Rehearse.  Make sure my aunt eats.  Make sure I eat.  Updating my cousins on their dad’s condition because they don’t want to see him on life support. I find when I’m stressed my natural inclination is to push down feelings, and drink.  Those are usually opposing factors, so I’m feeling drained.  After this show, Imma sleep forever maybe.  Like being dead without the commitment, as I once read.

One of the strangest things that has come out of this, is that I found myself staring at my uncle as he was resting one night.  I had sent my aunt to get herself some dinner.  She doesn’t want to go to a real restaurant so she can be close to him.  I found myself wondering if someone would ever love me that way.  I found myself wishing, just for a moment, that I could take his place so they could have more time with each other.

Maybe that’s why I help in these situations.  It makes me feel something.  I can’t handle the emotions on one level, so I channel it into busy work.  To distance myself so I don’t really feel it, I throw myself in head first.

Awkward acknowledgement of feelings.

Performing

I recently did an online personality test based on the writings of Carl Jung, David Keirsey and Isabel Briggs-Myers.  In University I had done a similar one (the MBTI), and I had come up as the only INTJ in a class of a hundred or so people.  It’s apparently a rare personality type (less than 2% of the population), and rarer still for women (0.8%).

My result: http://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

My intent was to post this on my social network profile, but before doing so I read over the profile, considering it objectively in relation to what I knew about myself.  I had the same result as nearly ten years ago, so what of me has actually changed?  What hadn’t? What would I disagree with in the analysis? 

One part stuck out for me regarding an INTJ’s relationship with the spotlight.  I occasionally work as an emcee for a local dance company.  It’s a fun job most of the time.  I enjoy planning shows, coming up with intros and extros, meeting new talented people, the costuming, and being part of a production.  I get to engage with people, but from a distance, and essentially get to run things.   However when reading the comment about the spotlight, I felt an incongruence.

It has actually taken me quite a while to be comfortable with being in the spotlight.  I fell into emceeing because I was loud.  Seriously, I led an orientation because I had the loudest voice and everyone could hear me, and after that I used public speaking as a way to overcome social anxiety – sort of a trial by fire.  It kind of developed from there as previously I had preferred up to then to remain free to move about, not be featured (this is true for life and stage).  And honestly, when we began putting on shows, my desire to emcee stemmed from not having the confidence and desire to be a featured performer.  I figured I just talked until the real talent came on stage.  I still really feel that way.  When it came back to me that I was the main feature, linking the show together, I was surprised and rather terrified, and considered never performing again.  But then, one of the reasons I’ve done theatre my whole life was to get over those anxieties.  They do still visit me, though. 

Looking back at what I know of myself, I am afraid of being the centre of attention because as much as I (or anyone else) yearns for it, I do not feel I deserve it.  Call it imposter syndrome?  When I was told I *was* the show, it shocked and terrified me to my core. 

“But what if I let everyone down?”, was my very first thought. 

Mind, I had already done a few shows; but I honestly hadn’t considered I was any sort of feature other than distracting the audience.  It was a bit to wrap my head around.  It still is.  I say this because I have had so much going on in my life, I stepped down from the main emcee role about a year ago.  Since then, I’ve been involved, but finally emceed my first full show again this past weekend.  It was fun, but I notice all my flaws and flubs, and find it hard to believe when after a show audience members or fellow performers compliment me, tell my how funny I was, and what a great job I’ve done. 

I feel like I can’t believe them.  They’re just saying that because they recognized me.  That’s nice of them to make me feel included.  And yet, I’m having a harder time brushing those compliments aside since this time I had many approach me and say how much they’ve missed me as emcee.  A spark of me twinged, wanting so much to revel in the compliment, but I have a tendency to quash such feelings.  It’s not a good practice, and I am trying to work on it.

Actually, I’ve come a long way.  I used to hide back stage after the shows and not come down until everyone was gone.  I’d not acknowledge when I received a compliment, or even worse, I’d swear back (issues, ammaright?).  It felt painful to be complimented, but when you have self-esteem issues like I do, it’s a common feeling.  I think one of the reasons I keep doing the shows is to get outside my comfort zone.  It pushes me, and I desperately need that.  Performing still terrifies me, but I do it to help perfect the image I want to project; one of a confident, intelligent, funny woman, who is deserving of praise and love.

And yet, I still feel like an imposter.  I often hear “fake it ‘til you make it”, and similar words of wisdom spouted.  I thought after a while I would be more confident in what I’m doing, but I still have that nagging feeling.  Feeling that I’ve failed at a job severely highlights that disparity to me, which is probably why I’m still doing the shows.  I want to feel successful somewhere. 

Now I make myself mingle after a show.  I act confident (wine helps), and I smile and say “thank you” when I get a compliment.  I’m still not letting it really sink in, though.  I’m still blocking it from my heart.  In a way, I’m still putting on a show.

When Do You Know to Say No to a Friend?

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

I’m tired of trying to explain myself to people who don't care.  What is part of the problem is they don’t see how they’re often part of the problem.  Especially when they ask why I act a certain way, or whatever, and then don’t understand even after I explain it. So I say, “Never mind.”, and I get to live with the uncomfortable feelings, the stress, the gut-gnawing anxiety.

I’m also often in a position where I’m the one people come to about issues with other people.  I have this one long-time friend.  We’ve worked together, and I’ve often bent over backwards to help her because I know what it’s like to try and make something of nothing, but these past couple of years I’ve been feeling really taken advantage of.  Today I just found out that if I stand up for myself and say what is bothering me, she waves it off and already had someone else to help her, she just wanted to see if I would help first. What? What kind of logic is that?

It makes me very tired.  And many events coming up include her, so I can’t just avoid it or her. I’m finding even thinking of her or these upcoming events drain me, and I have no interest or passion for it since it means I’ll be dealing with these feelings, and running interference for the several other people who can’t work with her.  I try to keep an open mind and see both sides, but after these years of mediating, maybe I need to accept that she is just really difficult and not misunderstood.  Maybe I need to stand back and not kill myself trying to help someone who doesn’t seem to understand.  Am I a bad person if I stop trying to help?  Maybe I’ve been impeding all these years by smoothing things over when she and others really needed to learn how to get along and work with each other?

I don’t know. I just know it’s making me sick and angry, and I don’t want someone else and what they do or say to me to control me like that. I just wish I was more confident in doing things for me and standing up for myself.  Why when I am challenged do I buckle so quickly and take the easy way out, even though it’s harder on me in the long run? Okay. Enough self pity.

In kind of positive news, I think a guy tried to hit on me this weekend. It was awkward, but then it occurred to me this could be a shy guy trying to flirt. Who knew?  I think I’m going to try and be better aware of these things.  I don’t know how yet, but it’s kind of a start. A half start? Maybe. I’m noticing a lot of these issues I have are directly related to my confidence (or lack thereof), and my social anxiety. I am not good at confrontation. 

highs and lows...

This past weekend was... messed up. Seriously surreal. To be honest, I am still a bit in shock over the series of events.

First off, I was experiencing a bit of a low. I am part of a dance troupe and we were going to Vancouver to perform at a festival. Should be a highlight (we were looking forward to it all year), and while indeed it was a coup, I was also kind of frustrated that because we had overbooked the show and then found out we had far less time than originally thought, my part got severely cut. The troupe leader asked me how I felt about it before we left, and I had to admit that considering how we had booked everyone else my part was the logical part to cut. But yes, it still bugged me. I wanted to go and wow those people, and instead I was reduced to sound clips. But again, it was my call, too. We could have cut our guest dancer, but she helped organize the festival, and I didn't want to be "that chick".

So we went, and we had an awesome motel! High! And I really get along with my dance troupe, so that was fun! And the area was filled with interesting restaurants! Chic shops! The festival itself was a blast! So many great shows and fantastic performers! Super high! I was really enjoying myself and looking forward to meeting everyone, and thought, 'Hey! Maybe I'll meet a guy!'

A few other girls in the troupe were single like me a while back, but have since met great men they are now dating. I was happy that they found someone, but a little frustrated that I don't seem to have that ease at meeting men. So was it selfish that I was kind of glad that one of my friend's who is now going through a divorce would be single in Vancouver with me? She even told me how much she was looking forward to having Girl's Nights Out. I was stoked.

Then she met a guy. Yep. The first night out. He wound up hanging out with us every night we were there. He was one of the lighting techs, so had access to all the same parties we did, which really helped with his hooking up with my friend. Good for them. Bitter for me. I know I should be glad she was able to have a fling of sorts, and get 'back into that game', but I can't help but feel I was once again the third wheel.

I tried to put it out of my mind and focus on having a good time. I decided I would try and flirt with someone. Another troupe had a really funny emcee, and in my mind funny = sexy, so I got up the nerve (translation = had a few drinks to get the nerve) to talk to him . Proud of me? Don't be. He barely even looked at me. My friend's kind of laughed it off for me, saying, "Wow, Friday. You tried talking to a guy who is even shyer than you around the opposite sex!" Shy? Or just not at all interested? Well, crap. Can I pick 'em or what?

So finally I decided that was it. Just enjoy the festival for what it was, and take in all the dance, all the glitter, and all the energy. Suddenly my phone went off. It was a friend back home asking if she could call me. Was it a good time? I found a quiet area and took the call. A very good friend of ours had just committed suicide.

I was in shock. I don't remember much else. I was pretty robotic the rest of the night, and for the rest of the trip. The memorial was yesterday, and I didn't go. I couldn’t go. I didn’t know how to feel, how to act…. it's still not real to me. I'm rather on autopilot, except now I keep looking back at my weekend before the phone call, and think how stupid I was being. But then my friend pops back into my mind, and I know he had a lot of the same problems as I did. Problems expressing myself, problems with relationships. And then I feel a tiny crack in my heart. I feel something try and leak out, and it's like it stains outwards, across my chest. And then I freeze again. And I feel stupid that I think my problems are so trivial. And again I remember how much we had in common, and it starts all over again, the crack getting bigger, the stain spreading.

I'm glad my friend met someone. We all need to have someone in our lives. Even if it's just for a while.