Commitment Issues

It's been a while since I posted, so there are a lot of thoughts in my head. Bear with me?

8-years-older than me guy is engaged.  I found out online, and while I clicked “like”, all I could think of was I really hope he’s happy.  We haven’t seen or talked to each other in ages.  I knew he was seeing someone since the beginning of winter.  I know he’s wanted to get married for quite a while. He once wept on my shoulder, crying that no one would ever love him how he wanted to be loved. I held him and said there are many kinds of love, and I that loved him. That he would find that love if he was looking for it. She must be age appropriate.

Less than a year? Is that all it takes? I remember my guy friends saying if they want something- specifically if they want to be with someone, they work to make it happen.  I can appreciate that, I’m just sad and bitter because I feel like no one will ever feel that way about me.

The guy I’ve been seeing for about a month now is British, and about 9 years older than me. I don’t care about the age difference, but I know we’re in somewhat different areas of our life.  He’s got a house, and a daughter, two puppies, and a stressful job.  I’m working for a temp agency and just moved again recently from an apartment to a shared house.  When we do spend time together, he’s funny and sweet, and caring.  I find he drops some things into conversation that I find rather odd for this “just being casual”.  Sweet things.  He jokes about needing someone to take care of him and do I know anyone?  I laugh and play it off. I try to ignore it, but I find I’m replaying them in my head.  Maybe he *is* more serious than he’s been letting on.

And then I see he’s reposted his ad.  And I deflate. I remember I’m not good enough.  So I remove the weight from his words.  I should just enjoy it while I have it, right?

Part of me also wonders if he’s saying those things to get feedback from me that it is okay.  That I want something more too, but I’m not responding right.  Or when I do, he realizes that he doesn’t really mean it, they’re just nice things to say.  I’m pretty confused about how to proceed.  Or do I give up?  Go for broke when I meet someone and insist we start out dating all proper like so I have a chance at forever...

But it’s been so long and no one has sought me out, so I went online and messaged someone myself.

And now we cuddle and watch a movie and I say something like how much I enjoy it and would be happy if I never moved again. And then he says he likes it too, but how will he know I’ll be there in a year?  But then, how do I?  Last week we were talking and he said how much I move and change jobs “freaks” him out. He feels if he commits to me I’ll lose interest, like he’s one of my apartments. I’ll get tired of him and move.  He has an incredibly valid point.

I replied that people and relationships are different.  The ones I want I keep with me.  That I’m seeking a good long-term job, don’t have plans to move anytime soon, and if I do I want to it be to a little house all my own forever.  I really do want those things.  It was nice to finally say.  Scary, but truthful.  He seemed a little convinced, but then there’s that ad, reposted.  And I hurt inside.  Because I was honest.

I’m tired of not being pursued.  I would like someone to chase me for once.   It’s very difficult for someone as transient and emotionally detached as me to say, but I want someone to take care of me. I want to take care of them back. It hurts to admit that.

I’m wanting forever, and I responded to a casual ad. I do it to myself.

It’s Been a While Since I’ve Tried…

My commitment issues are keeping me from a relationship. Not because I don’t want to commit, but because the guy I am seeing is worried I will lose interest and leave him. But isn’t that the reality of any relationship? I was happy to meet someone awesome and love that we are able to be so open with our thoughts. But I feel like my honestly is costing me.  Yes, I have commitment issues. But the fact that I was to try for the first time in… forever, should also have some weight.  We met online and both expected things just to be casual.  But then we got along so well we began making more time for each other, and now… I’m trying not to make him my be all and end all.  I’m trying to keep it light, because I am afraid of being hurt. I know he is as well, but keeping it open and non-serious makes me feel we’re not giving it a real chance. Yes we said one thing going in, but if I'm feeling more, I want to try.  I would like for us to agree to each other.  We tried for a few days but then he said he didn’t know if he could commit to someone who has such deeply embedded issues, and I understood.  But now I feel like I’m settling for a half relationship, and I’m ready for a full one. 

Perhaps he’s not the one after all.  Perhaps he’s right about me.

In the spirit of outright honesty, we met on a hookup site.  I messaged him, and after a few messages, we met.  I’m a large girl so I was worried he wouldn’t like me. He would be repulsed or something (I do not have a good body image), but he liked it.  True, he did put seeking a BBW, and I owned that when I responded, but you never know.  I’m not a lot of people’s cup of tea.  But he liked pretty much everything about me. I owned up to why I was seeking casual: I’ve got commitment issues but wanted to date.  He said he understood.  He’s got a daughter who stays with him weekends, and has a very busy job and felt it would be unfair to try and have a regular relationship.

It got pretty serious pretty fast (wow, someone likes me!), and now that we’ve pumped the breaks, I’m finding I would be happy with just him.  Am I just glomming on because he's the first guy in so long to show interest? There’s a different guy with whom I spend time with on and off and when I hung out with him the other weekend I did feel I was being unfaithful to the new guy, even though he had once again made it clear we weren’t a couple.  He still has an ad up online, so I look at it from time to time to remind myself he’s not completely committed, so I shouldn’t fall for him.  I have an online profile that I reactivated, and met a guy for drinks last night.  We didn’t click in anyway, and it just made me miss my guy so much.  So I reminded myself by looking at his ad. He wants something else.

I am not the one after all.  I was right about me.

Awkward Post is Awkward

Last night I was part of an awkward group hug.  I’m also the one who made it awkward, I realize, but it’s hard not to when the guy you like hugs you, and you know you can’t be with him.  I even said, “Awkward acknowledgement of hug” in case there was any question. I felt more awkward after I said it.  Awesome.

It’s almost been a month, but I’ve been missing him texting me all the time, and updating me on his life.  There was a few times when we hung out in a group, but it’s different than when we would sit together in his car, him sharing a song with me, or just talking.  I need to not dwell on that, but when you’ve almost resigned yourself to never meeting someone and then you meet a fantastic person who feels like your match, it’s crushing that they’re taken.  So I’m trying to get over it.  Trying.

A major reason why I haven’t seen him much, other than I think he’s trying to distance himself from me (which I understand), is things have been pretty hectic, family wise.   My uncle is in the hospital for the past three weeks, almost a month.  He was a fire fighter for twenty-five years who travelled all over North America coordinating large scale fire battles (is that what they’re called? If not, they should be.).  As a result he has two types of lung disease, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder (COPD), and Interstitial Lung Disease (ILD). It’s common amongst fire fighters to develop these conditions.  And it doesn’t look good. 

So my aunt was staying with me in my tiny apartment for two weeks, and then over another week my cousins joined too, so there were four of us in my tiny one-bedroomed apartment.  I spent a good deal of that time on a camping cot in my living room, and driving them to and from the hospital on my way to and from work, and spending my evenings at the hospital.  I had previously considered med school and thus had taken a medical terminology class, and volunteered in a paediatrics ward when I was in high school, so I have a basic grasp of medical language.  Thus, I’ve been liaising a bit with the doctors and nurses on behalf of my aunt and uncle so they understand what’s going on and can make the best decisions in a terrible situation.

It’s been a tough time.  Last week we got them into a lodge (apartment building, really), across from the hospital, so that’s good.  They can walk over whenever they want, and I have my space back.  Man, have I missed my bed.  Not that I regret helping out.  I have a fairly large family, but so many of them are selfish or I just never connected with.  This uncle is one of the good ones, and I’ve always really gotten along with his wife.  So this has been rough.  My mum thanked me the other day for keeping her and the other aunts updated, and all I could respond was they would do the same for us. 

I’ve been trying very hard to stay strong.  For them.  For me.  But it also strikes me as weird that when tragedy strikes, I somehow become a robot who deals with the unpleasant side of things.  When my cousin died last year, that was me again, dealing with the police, doctors, coroner...  Now my uncle is in the hospital, and I had to explain to him and his wife that when they transfer him off life support to a BiPAP oxygen mask, things could go wrong so they needed to make some tough decisions.  It was the first time my aunt broke down crying in front of me because I couldn’t sugar coat that he could die right then and there. 

Nothing makes you feel shittier than destroying someone’s sense of hope.  But they had to be prepared.  Thank goodness it was a best case scenario where he’s doing much better on the BiPAP.  Maybe as a pessimist I insulate myself to the shit, but the upside is sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised.  It’s somewhat short-lived though, as his condition is so severe he doesn’t have much more time, but another day or two or week makes all the difference for my giving and loving aunt.  It’s been amazing seeing their love and dedication to each other through all of this.  Love exists.  I would have never fucking believed it, but there it is.

On top of all of this (But wait! There's more!), my dance troupe has a show this weekend, so I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.  Work.  Hospital.  Prep for show. Drive errands.   Rehearse.  Make sure my aunt eats.  Make sure I eat.  Updating my cousins on their dad’s condition because they don’t want to see him on life support. I find when I’m stressed my natural inclination is to push down feelings, and drink.  Those are usually opposing factors, so I’m feeling drained.  After this show, Imma sleep forever maybe.  Like being dead without the commitment, as I once read.

One of the strangest things that has come out of this, is that I found myself staring at my uncle as he was resting one night.  I had sent my aunt to get herself some dinner.  She doesn’t want to go to a real restaurant so she can be close to him.  I found myself wondering if someone would ever love me that way.  I found myself wishing, just for a moment, that I could take his place so they could have more time with each other.

Maybe that’s why I help in these situations.  It makes me feel something.  I can’t handle the emotions on one level, so I channel it into busy work.  To distance myself so I don’t really feel it, I throw myself in head first.

Awkward acknowledgement of feelings.

Crux

It’s a tough feeling to shake; not being good enough.

I know I’m a loner, but I really want someone to fall asleep next to and wake up with every day.  I find myself aching for a connection, or even a touch.  A hug showing me that I’m part of something.  That I am wanted.

I told Married Tattoo Guy how I felt about him as a way to cut off this growing attachment I have.  I could have never expected he would say he cared about me back.  I wasn’t ready for it, and he obviously isn’t either. 

I don’t want to be a mistress, but aren’t I already?  I’ve these feelings inside of me I don’t know what to do with.  The only outlet seems to lead down a terrible path. 

I’ve been trying to distract myself.  Some articles I’ve read show that when you have a crush on someone, it acts like a homing beacon for your thoughts, creating OCD like symptoms.  Forbidden or secret relationships also bond the couple closer.  It also throws off dopamine and serotonin levels making everything feel THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE.  That I can agree with.

I feel stupid.  I feel like I’m once again settling for less.  I’ve managed to find a new kind of unavailable.  Huzzah.  At least I’m consistent.

After wing night last week we were sitting in his car and we talked.  I needed to say I had to get over him, but didn’t want to lose our friendship.  Was that even possible? 

He told me how much I was coming to mean for him.  He had no one to talk to.  No one but me.  I believe that.  He seemed surprised by the revelation.  I get why he went back to his wife before we had even met.  His responsibilities.  He’s making three people happy over his own happiness.  He said how he’s no longer in love with his wife.  He told me how he told her that, but she was fine with the façade.  He was going to try and live with that, being unhappy.  Fulfilling his obligations.  And then we met.

I told him I care about him, but don’t want to cause any problems for him.  I told him how I don’t even know how he got past my armour other than it was so unexpected I didn’t even have it up with him.  Our connection was instant, and we were both surprised by it. I told him I couldn’t lie to him even if I wanted to.  I told him I never wanted to hurt him, but I can’t have these feeling for someone I can’t be with.

And then he kissed me. And I felt wanted.

Performing

I recently did an online personality test based on the writings of Carl Jung, David Keirsey and Isabel Briggs-Myers.  In University I had done a similar one (the MBTI), and I had come up as the only INTJ in a class of a hundred or so people.  It’s apparently a rare personality type (less than 2% of the population), and rarer still for women (0.8%).

My result: http://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

My intent was to post this on my social network profile, but before doing so I read over the profile, considering it objectively in relation to what I knew about myself.  I had the same result as nearly ten years ago, so what of me has actually changed?  What hadn’t? What would I disagree with in the analysis? 

One part stuck out for me regarding an INTJ’s relationship with the spotlight.  I occasionally work as an emcee for a local dance company.  It’s a fun job most of the time.  I enjoy planning shows, coming up with intros and extros, meeting new talented people, the costuming, and being part of a production.  I get to engage with people, but from a distance, and essentially get to run things.   However when reading the comment about the spotlight, I felt an incongruence.

It has actually taken me quite a while to be comfortable with being in the spotlight.  I fell into emceeing because I was loud.  Seriously, I led an orientation because I had the loudest voice and everyone could hear me, and after that I used public speaking as a way to overcome social anxiety – sort of a trial by fire.  It kind of developed from there as previously I had preferred up to then to remain free to move about, not be featured (this is true for life and stage).  And honestly, when we began putting on shows, my desire to emcee stemmed from not having the confidence and desire to be a featured performer.  I figured I just talked until the real talent came on stage.  I still really feel that way.  When it came back to me that I was the main feature, linking the show together, I was surprised and rather terrified, and considered never performing again.  But then, one of the reasons I’ve done theatre my whole life was to get over those anxieties.  They do still visit me, though. 

Looking back at what I know of myself, I am afraid of being the centre of attention because as much as I (or anyone else) yearns for it, I do not feel I deserve it.  Call it imposter syndrome?  When I was told I *was* the show, it shocked and terrified me to my core. 

“But what if I let everyone down?”, was my very first thought. 

Mind, I had already done a few shows; but I honestly hadn’t considered I was any sort of feature other than distracting the audience.  It was a bit to wrap my head around.  It still is.  I say this because I have had so much going on in my life, I stepped down from the main emcee role about a year ago.  Since then, I’ve been involved, but finally emceed my first full show again this past weekend.  It was fun, but I notice all my flaws and flubs, and find it hard to believe when after a show audience members or fellow performers compliment me, tell my how funny I was, and what a great job I’ve done. 

I feel like I can’t believe them.  They’re just saying that because they recognized me.  That’s nice of them to make me feel included.  And yet, I’m having a harder time brushing those compliments aside since this time I had many approach me and say how much they’ve missed me as emcee.  A spark of me twinged, wanting so much to revel in the compliment, but I have a tendency to quash such feelings.  It’s not a good practice, and I am trying to work on it.

Actually, I’ve come a long way.  I used to hide back stage after the shows and not come down until everyone was gone.  I’d not acknowledge when I received a compliment, or even worse, I’d swear back (issues, ammaright?).  It felt painful to be complimented, but when you have self-esteem issues like I do, it’s a common feeling.  I think one of the reasons I keep doing the shows is to get outside my comfort zone.  It pushes me, and I desperately need that.  Performing still terrifies me, but I do it to help perfect the image I want to project; one of a confident, intelligent, funny woman, who is deserving of praise and love.

And yet, I still feel like an imposter.  I often hear “fake it ‘til you make it”, and similar words of wisdom spouted.  I thought after a while I would be more confident in what I’m doing, but I still have that nagging feeling.  Feeling that I’ve failed at a job severely highlights that disparity to me, which is probably why I’m still doing the shows.  I want to feel successful somewhere. 

Now I make myself mingle after a show.  I act confident (wine helps), and I smile and say “thank you” when I get a compliment.  I’m still not letting it really sink in, though.  I’m still blocking it from my heart.  In a way, I’m still putting on a show.

Revelations (part 1)

Wow. Moment of self-realization today at work.  I’ve been going back correcting several months of improperly entered data at the job I am currently at.  I’m through a temp agency, and was placed here with two other women.  I’m the only left, as they keep extending my placement.  That’s good and I should feel good, but I notice I feel bad that I am “wasting” so much time correcting things that should have been entered correctly the first time.  And the more I go back, or feel I should double-check something, the more errors I find.  It has been weighing on me.

I have been finding it tough telling my supervisors this, though they have been supportive and impressed with my attention to detail.  I think it’s why I’ve been extended, and they’ve told me they wish they could make me fulltime.  I should feel good about that, but I’ve noticed I feel responsible for the errors.  I mean, there’s no way I could have made them (I had never come across this data before), but I feel nervous and scared when I find errors and report on them. 

It finally occurred to me today as I was telling my supervisor what I thought had happened.  I figured maybe 30% of the data had been missed (not entered at all, but filed), and that within the data program itself someone must have selected a large chunk of info and accidently changed it, screwing up another 20%.  She nodded, saying it was likely, and then kind of gave me a weird look. I realized I was kind of cowering like a small dog afraid of being kicked.  Then I realized after she left that that’s exactly what I have been feeling. 

I was so used to feeling worthless at my last job, I have forgotten how to interact with confidence. 

I know I’m good at what I do, or I wouldn’t be doing it, but when you constantly find problems and it puts off other work you were to do, you internalize it as failure.  Or I do at any rate.  At my last “proper” job, everything that went wrong was my fault.  I repeatedly heard that from a Board of Directors who couldn’t even be bothered to even read the first page of my reports which were bullet-pointed.  They were unaware of even the structure of the business, but everything I did was the worst.  I was doing badly, and I should feel badly.  And I did.

I know I stayed there about a year too long, but it’s tough to get over that sense of failure.  To try and reason with a belligerent brick wall.  I would spend countless hours worrying, and tying my self-worth to that job.  It was prestigious, but I was constantly looked down on by others in the field because I didn’t have the same degree.  It was an abusive relationship but I was sure I could make it work.  Leaving felt like failure and I had made that my life.  I sunk into a deep and crippling depression.

It’s taken me a lot to pull myself out of that, and get back into the work game.  Temping was a way for me to try out my skills again, and see if there was something I could learn to love again.  I rather like what I’m doing now.  Sure, I work for a giant conglomerate that placed me at another giant conglomerate, but I’m okay with being a cog in a wheel right now.  Here they listen, and appreciate when I explain what’s gone wrong, and how I can fix it.  I like the people, the work is challenging, and I’m good at it.  Now I just need to remember how to translate that into feeling good about me.

A Certain Kind of Sadness

Gotye has a line in their song ‘Somebody that I Used to Know' that goes “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.”

That has been sticking with me, because I wonder if that’s why I get crushes on unattainable men.  I can’t be with them, so it creates this beautiful ache of unfairness and pain that I realized today – I’m kind of used to, and I oddly find comfort in its presence.  Sort of a “once again, I can’t have what I want, woe is me self-pity kind of ache.”  I am used to that ache.  Its presence is like an old acquaintance. Familiar.

I am trying to get over Married Tattoo Guy.  We had been texting pretty regularly, and I have been pretty honest with my feelings, but part of that is me honestly trying to be open about it so I can address it and get over him.  Does that make any sense?  I am used to liking someone in secret, and it kind of draws out the pain and unrequited discomfort that I think I am too comfortable with.  I have been hoping that by being honest, these feelings with ebb away, and I won’t care anymore. 

Well, maybe not anymore, but not in that way.  I am also trying to change these passionate lustful feelings into supportive ones for long-term friendship.  It’s been working somewhat.  I am able to clearly remember he is married and has not left her. 

Of course, last week on wing night he went on a pretty long rant about things.  Something I actively attempted to ignore because I don’t want to dwell.  Go me? Huzzah?  Later he sent a text apologizing for not going for another drink, because he was too “melancholy”, and that our friend Stunt Guy could fill me in.  I responded I didn’t need SG to fill me in, MTG could if he felt he needed to.  It was a good step for me.  Especially since I had just spent a chunk of the night trying not to get involved in his marital rant.  Distance.  I need distance.

And yet, I sent him a fairly bald text yesterday.  I want him to know I appreciate him, but that the timing is bad.  In retrospect it may have been seen as a flirt, but at the time I just wanted to say that I was glad I had met him.  Part of me regrets saying anything, but I also think it’s important as I learn how to identify my own feelings, and move away from unhealthy attachments.  As much as I like him, as smart, and funny, and good as it feels to hug him, I need to move on.  He’s married.  And if he does eventually separate, I had to ask myself; Am I the kind of girl who wants to be an Overlap?  A Mistress?  A Rebound?  Or a friend?

I’d rather be a friend.  And if, down the line many moons from now, when he is single, and if I am still single (haha if), then maybe we could try.  If he’s still interested.  And if I am.

Acknowledging a Crush is Like Admitting Defeat

It sounds harsh, but it’s often how I feel.  Why is this on my mind?

This weekend I told Married Tattooed Guy that I have feelings for him, but that it is something that I need to get over.  I think my logic was if I addressed it, and put it out in the open, maybe it would go away.  I had kind of apologized for putting him in a weird position, but felt if I was to have any sort of honest friendship with him, it was something I needed to do.

Looking back, it feels like a rather selfish thing for me to have done.  However… he admitted to having feelings for me as well. 

Son of a. 

I really did not expect that. I had thought it, I had felt it, but I didn’t think he would say it.  I think we both felt relieved that the other one has feelings, too, but he is married.  We talked a little about why we may be feeling this way- he having home issues and feeling belittled for so long, and I admitted I tend to be drawn to situations that prevent progress.  We sat in his car after he had driven me home from a fire at a friend’s backyard, listening to music, and then before I got out of the car we hugged.  I probably shouldn’t’ve.  We shouldnt’ve.  But it felt right, and I couldn’t help myself. 

It hurts in the long, drawn out way where your head yells at you for being stupid, and your tummy tightens because you are justsoclose and yet- I can’t bring myself to pursue him.  He has a lot he needs to take care of, and I do not want to be any sort of impediment.  But aren’t I already?  

I was already missing him before I let go and got out of the car.  My stomach was tense until I got the text from him letting me know he was home safe and sound.  Home.  With his wife and kids.  Okay, that’s not entirely true.  He’s been living in the basement.  Still…

I am the worst.  I stupidly reveal my emotions so I won’t have them anymore, dumping on him.  It’s actually reciprocated.  Why? Because it can’t be? He’s felt so unloved for so long that maybe my attention makes him feel better?  I’ve been reading enough to know that is often the case.  It’s not me, it’s the attention, right?  All of this doesn’t make me feel any better, or dissuade the feeling that when I am with him he feels like my match.

I had really begun to think that finding someone I felt was my match wouldn’t happen.  I guess it still hasn’t.  He is unavailable.  When I got his text that he was home safe, I apologized if I had put him off in anyway due to my telling him my feelings.  He replied he wasn’t put off by me, and that he very much enjoys spending time with me.  My gut wrenched. 

I think I really need to focus on finding someone for me, not someone who is tied up with someone else.  Someone who can freely be with me.  Someone I am able to be with completely.  Maybe I can look at this as a good thing since it shows I am able to have deep feelings for someone when I was getting worried all I could feel were shallow, fleeting crushes I do absolutely nothing about, as opposed to deeper real emotions.  I think I could easily feel that for MTG, so there’s hope that if I stop focusing on him, that I can have those feelings for someone else.  It’s possible. 

So now? I need to stop texting.  I need to create space between us again.  I need to get over missing him.  I need to ignore how right he feels.  It can’t be right, after all, he’s married.  I need to stop wanting him.  Stop bothering him while he works through what he needs to.

I obviously still need to work on me. 

Availability

How do I find available men? I don’t just mean guys who are single.  I mean guys who are single, and actually emotionally available.   This means not hung up on someone (sorry, 8 Year Guy), dealing with a failing marriage (sorry, Married Tattoo Guy), or secretly seeing someone else all along (not sorry at all, First “Real” Boyfriend).

You’d think there’d be some decent dudes out there, and there are, but I’m friends with them, not dating them.  I’m constantly surprised how often I hear girls talk about there are no good guys, and I think of all my awesome single guy friends, but I am (usually) not attracted to them in that way, so I guess I can’t really count that? I don’t know.  And now here I am saying the same thing.  So okay, time to clarify even further.

I would like to meet single, available guys, who I am attracted to, who want to date me as well.  I suppose specifics are helpful in cases like this. 

I was reading online how to get out of a dating (or lack thereof) rut, and how to stop putting roadblocks to relationships up.  I know I have commitment and trust issues, but I also see that until I have an idea of what I would like, I won’t notice them if I see it. These articles also said things like people can create unrealistic expectations which results in permanent singleness.  Since I’ve been single so very long, I took a hard look at myself, and what I think I actually want.  Actually, one of the articles pissed me off because it said things like having unrealistic expectations like dating outside of your league will make you sad and alone, and to lower your standards.  I do have high standards, but they weren’t the “wash board abs”, and height requirements or paycheque things the article listed.  I have refused to be in a relationship where I feel like shit, and the one time I was, I honestly thought perhaps I was imagining my doubts because of my commitment issues.  Was I creating problems because I’m terrified of relationships? 

In the past, I’ve caused problems because of my fear of commitment.  I had one guy I was seeing, and he was practically living with me, but he wouldn’t have sex with me unless I admitted that we were boyfriend and girlfriend.  I said, “Fine by me. No sex.”  I refused to be ultimatum’ed. I wasn’t going to be pressured into a relationship, and yet looking back I guess we really were a couple.  However, I still have issues with saying he was my boyfriend.  Probably because I feel a boyfriend wouldn’t have made that condition if he had actually understood me, and my fear of commitment.

Oh, and one funny thing is the more articles I read, I keep coming across how girls are upset with how often guys use the fear of commitment card.  But I totally get it.  I do.  So I read these articles, and kind of laugh and tense inside.  Why is it so easy for everyone else?  More than once I’ve had an awkward conversation where I guy I was kind of seeing said, “It feels like you’re the guy”, when I refused to open up and talk about my emotions, or introduce them as my boyfriend, or meet my family, or countless other examples.  This may sound like I’ve had a parade of guys, but it’s been very few and far between, and I don’t seem to be getting any better.

I need to work on flirting, and after recounting these tales, I think I need to work on making myself available.  I think I’m much more ready to have a relationship, but I think I’d still cringe if I was asked to commit, or make anything official.  I’m much better in the shadows.  I guess I can’t have it both ways.  So I lurk.  I get crushes on the unavailable.