‘Tis the Season

When I was about 15, I received a tiny pink sweatshirt with Mickey Mouse on it.  It looked like it was made for a 9-year-old.  I also bagged a hot pink and gold encrusted lockable diary, and a packet of that generic makeup stores always breakout around the holidays.  Again- hot pink was the featured colour.

Mind when I was three, in ballet I insisted I be allowed to wear a black unitard instead of the standard pink, and apparently caused such a fuss they almost booted me from class.  However, there is a photo of a triumphant me in black, my sister next to me posing in traditional pink. 

Basically, if you’ve met me, you know I’m not a girly-type-girl.  Not that there’s anything wrong with liking pink, but I had so vehemently defined myself out of the starting gate as a tomboy and anti-pink, that receiving not just one, but many gift with the offending hue made me wonder if anyone paid any attention to me.  Not an unusual feeling for a young shy kid from a huge extended family.

A real eye-opener came when I was complaining about my “gifts” and word came one of my mother’s friends home had caught fire.  They lost everything just before Christmas.  They happen to have had a nine-year-old daughter, so all of my gifts were re-wrapped, and passed on.  I heard she loved them. 

I’m glad it worked out, and they got back in their feet, but that feeling has always stayed with me.  Me me me- and then tragedy strikes and reminds you what really matters.  Sure, it makes you feel small for a time, but I think it helps keep things in perspective.

My uncle passed away last Sunday.  The holidays are approaching, and I know things are going to be hard for his family.  I wish I could do more.  I wish I had a gift that could make everything better.

Awkward Post is Awkward

Last night I was part of an awkward group hug.  I’m also the one who made it awkward, I realize, but it’s hard not to when the guy you like hugs you, and you know you can’t be with him.  I even said, “Awkward acknowledgement of hug” in case there was any question. I felt more awkward after I said it.  Awesome.

It’s almost been a month, but I’ve been missing him texting me all the time, and updating me on his life.  There was a few times when we hung out in a group, but it’s different than when we would sit together in his car, him sharing a song with me, or just talking.  I need to not dwell on that, but when you’ve almost resigned yourself to never meeting someone and then you meet a fantastic person who feels like your match, it’s crushing that they’re taken.  So I’m trying to get over it.  Trying.

A major reason why I haven’t seen him much, other than I think he’s trying to distance himself from me (which I understand), is things have been pretty hectic, family wise.   My uncle is in the hospital for the past three weeks, almost a month.  He was a fire fighter for twenty-five years who travelled all over North America coordinating large scale fire battles (is that what they’re called? If not, they should be.).  As a result he has two types of lung disease, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder (COPD), and Interstitial Lung Disease (ILD). It’s common amongst fire fighters to develop these conditions.  And it doesn’t look good. 

So my aunt was staying with me in my tiny apartment for two weeks, and then over another week my cousins joined too, so there were four of us in my tiny one-bedroomed apartment.  I spent a good deal of that time on a camping cot in my living room, and driving them to and from the hospital on my way to and from work, and spending my evenings at the hospital.  I had previously considered med school and thus had taken a medical terminology class, and volunteered in a paediatrics ward when I was in high school, so I have a basic grasp of medical language.  Thus, I’ve been liaising a bit with the doctors and nurses on behalf of my aunt and uncle so they understand what’s going on and can make the best decisions in a terrible situation.

It’s been a tough time.  Last week we got them into a lodge (apartment building, really), across from the hospital, so that’s good.  They can walk over whenever they want, and I have my space back.  Man, have I missed my bed.  Not that I regret helping out.  I have a fairly large family, but so many of them are selfish or I just never connected with.  This uncle is one of the good ones, and I’ve always really gotten along with his wife.  So this has been rough.  My mum thanked me the other day for keeping her and the other aunts updated, and all I could respond was they would do the same for us. 

I’ve been trying very hard to stay strong.  For them.  For me.  But it also strikes me as weird that when tragedy strikes, I somehow become a robot who deals with the unpleasant side of things.  When my cousin died last year, that was me again, dealing with the police, doctors, coroner...  Now my uncle is in the hospital, and I had to explain to him and his wife that when they transfer him off life support to a BiPAP oxygen mask, things could go wrong so they needed to make some tough decisions.  It was the first time my aunt broke down crying in front of me because I couldn’t sugar coat that he could die right then and there. 

Nothing makes you feel shittier than destroying someone’s sense of hope.  But they had to be prepared.  Thank goodness it was a best case scenario where he’s doing much better on the BiPAP.  Maybe as a pessimist I insulate myself to the shit, but the upside is sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised.  It’s somewhat short-lived though, as his condition is so severe he doesn’t have much more time, but another day or two or week makes all the difference for my giving and loving aunt.  It’s been amazing seeing their love and dedication to each other through all of this.  Love exists.  I would have never fucking believed it, but there it is.

On top of all of this (But wait! There's more!), my dance troupe has a show this weekend, so I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.  Work.  Hospital.  Prep for show. Drive errands.   Rehearse.  Make sure my aunt eats.  Make sure I eat.  Updating my cousins on their dad’s condition because they don’t want to see him on life support. I find when I’m stressed my natural inclination is to push down feelings, and drink.  Those are usually opposing factors, so I’m feeling drained.  After this show, Imma sleep forever maybe.  Like being dead without the commitment, as I once read.

One of the strangest things that has come out of this, is that I found myself staring at my uncle as he was resting one night.  I had sent my aunt to get herself some dinner.  She doesn’t want to go to a real restaurant so she can be close to him.  I found myself wondering if someone would ever love me that way.  I found myself wishing, just for a moment, that I could take his place so they could have more time with each other.

Maybe that’s why I help in these situations.  It makes me feel something.  I can’t handle the emotions on one level, so I channel it into busy work.  To distance myself so I don’t really feel it, I throw myself in head first.

Awkward acknowledgement of feelings.

Crux

It’s a tough feeling to shake; not being good enough.

I know I’m a loner, but I really want someone to fall asleep next to and wake up with every day.  I find myself aching for a connection, or even a touch.  A hug showing me that I’m part of something.  That I am wanted.

I told Married Tattoo Guy how I felt about him as a way to cut off this growing attachment I have.  I could have never expected he would say he cared about me back.  I wasn’t ready for it, and he obviously isn’t either. 

I don’t want to be a mistress, but aren’t I already?  I’ve these feelings inside of me I don’t know what to do with.  The only outlet seems to lead down a terrible path. 

I’ve been trying to distract myself.  Some articles I’ve read show that when you have a crush on someone, it acts like a homing beacon for your thoughts, creating OCD like symptoms.  Forbidden or secret relationships also bond the couple closer.  It also throws off dopamine and serotonin levels making everything feel THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE.  That I can agree with.

I feel stupid.  I feel like I’m once again settling for less.  I’ve managed to find a new kind of unavailable.  Huzzah.  At least I’m consistent.

After wing night last week we were sitting in his car and we talked.  I needed to say I had to get over him, but didn’t want to lose our friendship.  Was that even possible? 

He told me how much I was coming to mean for him.  He had no one to talk to.  No one but me.  I believe that.  He seemed surprised by the revelation.  I get why he went back to his wife before we had even met.  His responsibilities.  He’s making three people happy over his own happiness.  He said how he’s no longer in love with his wife.  He told me how he told her that, but she was fine with the façade.  He was going to try and live with that, being unhappy.  Fulfilling his obligations.  And then we met.

I told him I care about him, but don’t want to cause any problems for him.  I told him how I don’t even know how he got past my armour other than it was so unexpected I didn’t even have it up with him.  Our connection was instant, and we were both surprised by it. I told him I couldn’t lie to him even if I wanted to.  I told him I never wanted to hurt him, but I can’t have these feeling for someone I can’t be with.

And then he kissed me. And I felt wanted.

Performing

I recently did an online personality test based on the writings of Carl Jung, David Keirsey and Isabel Briggs-Myers.  In University I had done a similar one (the MBTI), and I had come up as the only INTJ in a class of a hundred or so people.  It’s apparently a rare personality type (less than 2% of the population), and rarer still for women (0.8%).

My result: http://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

My intent was to post this on my social network profile, but before doing so I read over the profile, considering it objectively in relation to what I knew about myself.  I had the same result as nearly ten years ago, so what of me has actually changed?  What hadn’t? What would I disagree with in the analysis? 

One part stuck out for me regarding an INTJ’s relationship with the spotlight.  I occasionally work as an emcee for a local dance company.  It’s a fun job most of the time.  I enjoy planning shows, coming up with intros and extros, meeting new talented people, the costuming, and being part of a production.  I get to engage with people, but from a distance, and essentially get to run things.   However when reading the comment about the spotlight, I felt an incongruence.

It has actually taken me quite a while to be comfortable with being in the spotlight.  I fell into emceeing because I was loud.  Seriously, I led an orientation because I had the loudest voice and everyone could hear me, and after that I used public speaking as a way to overcome social anxiety – sort of a trial by fire.  It kind of developed from there as previously I had preferred up to then to remain free to move about, not be featured (this is true for life and stage).  And honestly, when we began putting on shows, my desire to emcee stemmed from not having the confidence and desire to be a featured performer.  I figured I just talked until the real talent came on stage.  I still really feel that way.  When it came back to me that I was the main feature, linking the show together, I was surprised and rather terrified, and considered never performing again.  But then, one of the reasons I’ve done theatre my whole life was to get over those anxieties.  They do still visit me, though. 

Looking back at what I know of myself, I am afraid of being the centre of attention because as much as I (or anyone else) yearns for it, I do not feel I deserve it.  Call it imposter syndrome?  When I was told I *was* the show, it shocked and terrified me to my core. 

“But what if I let everyone down?”, was my very first thought. 

Mind, I had already done a few shows; but I honestly hadn’t considered I was any sort of feature other than distracting the audience.  It was a bit to wrap my head around.  It still is.  I say this because I have had so much going on in my life, I stepped down from the main emcee role about a year ago.  Since then, I’ve been involved, but finally emceed my first full show again this past weekend.  It was fun, but I notice all my flaws and flubs, and find it hard to believe when after a show audience members or fellow performers compliment me, tell my how funny I was, and what a great job I’ve done. 

I feel like I can’t believe them.  They’re just saying that because they recognized me.  That’s nice of them to make me feel included.  And yet, I’m having a harder time brushing those compliments aside since this time I had many approach me and say how much they’ve missed me as emcee.  A spark of me twinged, wanting so much to revel in the compliment, but I have a tendency to quash such feelings.  It’s not a good practice, and I am trying to work on it.

Actually, I’ve come a long way.  I used to hide back stage after the shows and not come down until everyone was gone.  I’d not acknowledge when I received a compliment, or even worse, I’d swear back (issues, ammaright?).  It felt painful to be complimented, but when you have self-esteem issues like I do, it’s a common feeling.  I think one of the reasons I keep doing the shows is to get outside my comfort zone.  It pushes me, and I desperately need that.  Performing still terrifies me, but I do it to help perfect the image I want to project; one of a confident, intelligent, funny woman, who is deserving of praise and love.

And yet, I still feel like an imposter.  I often hear “fake it ‘til you make it”, and similar words of wisdom spouted.  I thought after a while I would be more confident in what I’m doing, but I still have that nagging feeling.  Feeling that I’ve failed at a job severely highlights that disparity to me, which is probably why I’m still doing the shows.  I want to feel successful somewhere. 

Now I make myself mingle after a show.  I act confident (wine helps), and I smile and say “thank you” when I get a compliment.  I’m still not letting it really sink in, though.  I’m still blocking it from my heart.  In a way, I’m still putting on a show.

Revelations (part 1)

Wow. Moment of self-realization today at work.  I’ve been going back correcting several months of improperly entered data at the job I am currently at.  I’m through a temp agency, and was placed here with two other women.  I’m the only left, as they keep extending my placement.  That’s good and I should feel good, but I notice I feel bad that I am “wasting” so much time correcting things that should have been entered correctly the first time.  And the more I go back, or feel I should double-check something, the more errors I find.  It has been weighing on me.

I have been finding it tough telling my supervisors this, though they have been supportive and impressed with my attention to detail.  I think it’s why I’ve been extended, and they’ve told me they wish they could make me fulltime.  I should feel good about that, but I’ve noticed I feel responsible for the errors.  I mean, there’s no way I could have made them (I had never come across this data before), but I feel nervous and scared when I find errors and report on them. 

It finally occurred to me today as I was telling my supervisor what I thought had happened.  I figured maybe 30% of the data had been missed (not entered at all, but filed), and that within the data program itself someone must have selected a large chunk of info and accidently changed it, screwing up another 20%.  She nodded, saying it was likely, and then kind of gave me a weird look. I realized I was kind of cowering like a small dog afraid of being kicked.  Then I realized after she left that that’s exactly what I have been feeling. 

I was so used to feeling worthless at my last job, I have forgotten how to interact with confidence. 

I know I’m good at what I do, or I wouldn’t be doing it, but when you constantly find problems and it puts off other work you were to do, you internalize it as failure.  Or I do at any rate.  At my last “proper” job, everything that went wrong was my fault.  I repeatedly heard that from a Board of Directors who couldn’t even be bothered to even read the first page of my reports which were bullet-pointed.  They were unaware of even the structure of the business, but everything I did was the worst.  I was doing badly, and I should feel badly.  And I did.

I know I stayed there about a year too long, but it’s tough to get over that sense of failure.  To try and reason with a belligerent brick wall.  I would spend countless hours worrying, and tying my self-worth to that job.  It was prestigious, but I was constantly looked down on by others in the field because I didn’t have the same degree.  It was an abusive relationship but I was sure I could make it work.  Leaving felt like failure and I had made that my life.  I sunk into a deep and crippling depression.

It’s taken me a lot to pull myself out of that, and get back into the work game.  Temping was a way for me to try out my skills again, and see if there was something I could learn to love again.  I rather like what I’m doing now.  Sure, I work for a giant conglomerate that placed me at another giant conglomerate, but I’m okay with being a cog in a wheel right now.  Here they listen, and appreciate when I explain what’s gone wrong, and how I can fix it.  I like the people, the work is challenging, and I’m good at it.  Now I just need to remember how to translate that into feeling good about me.

If I am to be Honest

I don’t want him to feel sorry, because I don’t feel sorry.  He asked a question.  I answered honestly.

“Do you want to kiss me?” 

“Yes. I do. But I can’t.”

I almost feel worse for doing the “right” thing.  It doesn’t stop how I feel about him.  It’s not stopping how he feels about me.  I messaged him back later the next day.

“The thing is I would like the chance again.  But I can’t while you’re married.  I won’t.  You’re not mine.  And I want you in my life, but I’d rather be a friend than a distraction.”

I almost hadn’t gone to wings that night.  I was tired from talking with Stunt Guy late the night before.  He was dealing with some issues, and we wound up closing the local pub talking it out.  I had some things I had wanted to talk about too, I just didn’t know how to say any of it.  So we hashed out his stuff.  I was tired all day, and had more side project work when I got home.

I had nearly convinced myself I was staying in when I got MTG’s text.  He and my former boss were the only ones who had showed up, and he was asking me if I was coming.  I could feel my will bending.  It’s a time of week I always look forward to.  More so now that MTG joins us on these nights.  Part of me was hoping he would text asking me to come.  Some nights we wind up for last call at the pub near my place.  I love those nights.  That night was one of those nights.

Usually I can’t make eye contact when I like someone.  But with MTG I find us staring at each other and then not looking away when we catch each other doing it.

I wanted to kiss him.  I still do.

Never Is a Promise

“Sorry.” 

The text came in late.  I was expecting it, and it made my heart ache.  I didn’t want him to be sorry.  I asked if he had made it home safe. He had. I told him not to be sorry.

“Have to. Inappropriate.”

“So sorry.”

“Won’t do that again.”

But I wanted him to.  I did with all my heart.

He asked me if I wanted to kiss him.  I exhaled slowly.  We were sitting in his car after the pub closed.  I only live three blocks from where we were, but he offered a ride home and I wanted more time with him.  It was dangerous.  I simply feel more alive even when he’s just in the same room.

“Yes. I do.” I almost couldn’t make eye contact.  “But I can’t.”

I got out of the car.  “I really want to, but I can’t.”

I went inside.  His text came shortly after.

A Certain Kind of Sadness

Gotye has a line in their song ‘Somebody that I Used to Know' that goes “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.”

That has been sticking with me, because I wonder if that’s why I get crushes on unattainable men.  I can’t be with them, so it creates this beautiful ache of unfairness and pain that I realized today – I’m kind of used to, and I oddly find comfort in its presence.  Sort of a “once again, I can’t have what I want, woe is me self-pity kind of ache.”  I am used to that ache.  Its presence is like an old acquaintance. Familiar.

I am trying to get over Married Tattoo Guy.  We had been texting pretty regularly, and I have been pretty honest with my feelings, but part of that is me honestly trying to be open about it so I can address it and get over him.  Does that make any sense?  I am used to liking someone in secret, and it kind of draws out the pain and unrequited discomfort that I think I am too comfortable with.  I have been hoping that by being honest, these feelings with ebb away, and I won’t care anymore. 

Well, maybe not anymore, but not in that way.  I am also trying to change these passionate lustful feelings into supportive ones for long-term friendship.  It’s been working somewhat.  I am able to clearly remember he is married and has not left her. 

Of course, last week on wing night he went on a pretty long rant about things.  Something I actively attempted to ignore because I don’t want to dwell.  Go me? Huzzah?  Later he sent a text apologizing for not going for another drink, because he was too “melancholy”, and that our friend Stunt Guy could fill me in.  I responded I didn’t need SG to fill me in, MTG could if he felt he needed to.  It was a good step for me.  Especially since I had just spent a chunk of the night trying not to get involved in his marital rant.  Distance.  I need distance.

And yet, I sent him a fairly bald text yesterday.  I want him to know I appreciate him, but that the timing is bad.  In retrospect it may have been seen as a flirt, but at the time I just wanted to say that I was glad I had met him.  Part of me regrets saying anything, but I also think it’s important as I learn how to identify my own feelings, and move away from unhealthy attachments.  As much as I like him, as smart, and funny, and good as it feels to hug him, I need to move on.  He’s married.  And if he does eventually separate, I had to ask myself; Am I the kind of girl who wants to be an Overlap?  A Mistress?  A Rebound?  Or a friend?

I’d rather be a friend.  And if, down the line many moons from now, when he is single, and if I am still single (haha if), then maybe we could try.  If he’s still interested.  And if I am.

I’m Friend-Zoning Myself

I’ve been working on a plan.  This plan? Just to be a friend.  To be okay with just being a friend.  I am not just referring to MTG, but in general.  I’ve been thinking if I really am going to love someone and want to be with them, I need to like them fully and completely as a person first.  Curb the lust, the passion and impulsive nature of my crushes.  I think it may be working.

To assure myself I won’t do anything stupid that could ruin my friendship with MTG, I have been thinking hard about *why* I’m so attracted to him.  I’m trying to calm myself and see it as the basis of a great friendship instead of feeding into those powerful feelings of WANT.  I would rather have a long lasting and solid friendship with him- or anyone- than the twitchy and tense feelings that lust often settles in me.  Those feelings that paralyze me.

I really want him to be happy, and once I realized this, it occurred to me that if he worked things out with his wife, I’d need to be okay with that, and to support him.  And if they end it, I am not okay with being a rebound, or some sort of overlap to his singledom.  That would hurt too much, and I already know I care too much about him to be discarded. 

It’s been tough, but I am feeling stronger for it.

He texted last night.  Had a rough day, and so we joked back and forth.  I was out trying to watch a meteor shower (saw bupkis, by the way), and though I mentioned what I was doing, I didn’t invite him.  I’m working on boundaries.  

I am now not reading so much into it, and it’s been good.  I still care, and think he’d have to stop being him for me not to care anymore, but I’m also keeping in mind things like he’s left and gone back twice now, and if he finally decides that it’s really over, that’s his decision to make. 

In the meantime I’m going to continue working on me.  I’m going to maybe check out some other guys who are actually available.  No idea if I will date them, but I’m not a strong dater to begin with.  I despise clichés about dating, but odds are there are still some nice sweet guys out there. Maybe an available one will take an interest in me, and I will like him back.   I won’t notice though if I’m fixated on what I can’t have.

Being Seen

"If you wanted me, I wouldn't have to guess." 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-one-person-youre-not-supposed-to-fall-in-love-with/

Yep.

Weird thing was, it wasn’t even a whole “getting through my armour” type thing.  With him there simply was no armour.  It was just us, side-by-side, laughing. 

When I realized what was going on, I had a moment of “What the fuck?” I must be malfunctioning.  And yet it simultaneously felt like something about me had started working.  It had never been broken, just not activated.

I’m not good by the bright light of day.  I feel I am more acceptable to men when it’s night, there are drinks, and I am somehow more… just more.  By day light I think it’s easy to forget about me. Write me off.  See how I don’t fit in at all with their real lives.  That all the emotions felt or hinted at were made of puffs of smoke that dissipate in the sunlight. 

Did you know people are discardable?  I am often that person.  The one who grabs the drinks, and knows when to bow out.  Or be interesting enough until something else comes along.  What am I made of is not the same thing as everyone else?  What about me is less tangible? 

No one has ever really pursued me, or fought to have me, or tried to keep me.  The few men I have been with were passing gents, or men who were mere boys, playing along until something worth their attention came along.  I remember one time a boyfriend trying to define things between us. I tensed, I was unwilling to compromise or be pressured to define things, and so he left.  I don’t know what I was not willing to define anymore.  But I felt it I made it official, it would hurt me, so I packed it up in a little box and ignored it.  Maybe we could have had something.  Instead I have nothing. 

I am uncomfortable with comfort.  I want so badly to have something familiar and loving, and yet, terrified of the chance it could end, I erect a wall.  I refuse connection as adamantly as I desire it.  And so messed up in my idea of self-worth.

I hate staring at my phone hoping for a small cute text. I hate sending them with the expectation you will GET IT, and love me for it.  I hate thinking it progresses anything instead of just irritating you.  I hate that very few and far between do you respond, making me cringe that its 5 from me, 1 from you.  I hate that I continue to do it.  I hate that it makes me look psychotic, but I can’t stop it.  I hate that I want it to mean more but am only good and fucking everything up.  I hate that before anything has really started, I’m assuring its end.

I want someone to ask questions about me. To wonder about me. To want the best for me.  To show that they’re thinking of me.  To actually to something to assure they will be with me.  But instead it’s all grey. And it stands out clear in that swirl of unclarity. 

So you’re with someone. Even if you feel the marriage is over. You are currently part of a couple. And me? I’m just kinda standing over here in a limbo.  Feelings wrapped up in you, but wanting to be wanted. What am I doing? Waiting?  Being unattainable?

There’s pain there. In you. Is that what I am drawn to? What would I say to him?  What will I say?

I’m scared by how much we clicked.  That you are married to someone else.  That I finally felt it.  That I am terrified it will never happen again for me.  It puts a stark contrast to being alone from coming so close to having had the one you fit so well with.

There’s a distinction between the right person and the right relationship — they aren’t the same thing. The right relationship won’t ask you to sacrifice parts of yourself. 

Steeling Myself

I didn’t expect to meet anyone, really.  I was shocked to my core when I realized without even trying someone had gotten such a strong hold on me.  Was it- is it- because I’ve been alone so long? In a way, so has he. Is that why we felt like the opposite sides of the same coin?

I’m feeling very tense and heavy about having feelings for a married man, regardless of him being so unhappy in his marriage.  I don’t want to feel this way.  I have been reading a lot about how to stop these feelings.  I only know that it was so unexpected my armour wasn’t up.  I didn’t even notice he had made it passed, and now it feels almost too late.  Why almost?  I need to get over him.  I can’t and I won’t be a factor in his marriage and how it goes. I don’t know if I could survive him staying with her and still caring.

So now I am trying not to care.  I am trying to build up my armour now, cutting him out piece by piece. I am noticing there is a bit less of me every time I do it.  But I need to. 

Acknowledging a Crush is Like Admitting Defeat

It sounds harsh, but it’s often how I feel.  Why is this on my mind?

This weekend I told Married Tattooed Guy that I have feelings for him, but that it is something that I need to get over.  I think my logic was if I addressed it, and put it out in the open, maybe it would go away.  I had kind of apologized for putting him in a weird position, but felt if I was to have any sort of honest friendship with him, it was something I needed to do.

Looking back, it feels like a rather selfish thing for me to have done.  However… he admitted to having feelings for me as well. 

Son of a. 

I really did not expect that. I had thought it, I had felt it, but I didn’t think he would say it.  I think we both felt relieved that the other one has feelings, too, but he is married.  We talked a little about why we may be feeling this way- he having home issues and feeling belittled for so long, and I admitted I tend to be drawn to situations that prevent progress.  We sat in his car after he had driven me home from a fire at a friend’s backyard, listening to music, and then before I got out of the car we hugged.  I probably shouldn’t’ve.  We shouldnt’ve.  But it felt right, and I couldn’t help myself. 

It hurts in the long, drawn out way where your head yells at you for being stupid, and your tummy tightens because you are justsoclose and yet- I can’t bring myself to pursue him.  He has a lot he needs to take care of, and I do not want to be any sort of impediment.  But aren’t I already?  

I was already missing him before I let go and got out of the car.  My stomach was tense until I got the text from him letting me know he was home safe and sound.  Home.  With his wife and kids.  Okay, that’s not entirely true.  He’s been living in the basement.  Still…

I am the worst.  I stupidly reveal my emotions so I won’t have them anymore, dumping on him.  It’s actually reciprocated.  Why? Because it can’t be? He’s felt so unloved for so long that maybe my attention makes him feel better?  I’ve been reading enough to know that is often the case.  It’s not me, it’s the attention, right?  All of this doesn’t make me feel any better, or dissuade the feeling that when I am with him he feels like my match.

I had really begun to think that finding someone I felt was my match wouldn’t happen.  I guess it still hasn’t.  He is unavailable.  When I got his text that he was home safe, I apologized if I had put him off in anyway due to my telling him my feelings.  He replied he wasn’t put off by me, and that he very much enjoys spending time with me.  My gut wrenched. 

I think I really need to focus on finding someone for me, not someone who is tied up with someone else.  Someone who can freely be with me.  Someone I am able to be with completely.  Maybe I can look at this as a good thing since it shows I am able to have deep feelings for someone when I was getting worried all I could feel were shallow, fleeting crushes I do absolutely nothing about, as opposed to deeper real emotions.  I think I could easily feel that for MTG, so there’s hope that if I stop focusing on him, that I can have those feelings for someone else.  It’s possible. 

So now? I need to stop texting.  I need to create space between us again.  I need to get over missing him.  I need to ignore how right he feels.  It can’t be right, after all, he’s married.  I need to stop wanting him.  Stop bothering him while he works through what he needs to.

I obviously still need to work on me. 

Availability

How do I find available men? I don’t just mean guys who are single.  I mean guys who are single, and actually emotionally available.   This means not hung up on someone (sorry, 8 Year Guy), dealing with a failing marriage (sorry, Married Tattoo Guy), or secretly seeing someone else all along (not sorry at all, First “Real” Boyfriend).

You’d think there’d be some decent dudes out there, and there are, but I’m friends with them, not dating them.  I’m constantly surprised how often I hear girls talk about there are no good guys, and I think of all my awesome single guy friends, but I am (usually) not attracted to them in that way, so I guess I can’t really count that? I don’t know.  And now here I am saying the same thing.  So okay, time to clarify even further.

I would like to meet single, available guys, who I am attracted to, who want to date me as well.  I suppose specifics are helpful in cases like this. 

I was reading online how to get out of a dating (or lack thereof) rut, and how to stop putting roadblocks to relationships up.  I know I have commitment and trust issues, but I also see that until I have an idea of what I would like, I won’t notice them if I see it. These articles also said things like people can create unrealistic expectations which results in permanent singleness.  Since I’ve been single so very long, I took a hard look at myself, and what I think I actually want.  Actually, one of the articles pissed me off because it said things like having unrealistic expectations like dating outside of your league will make you sad and alone, and to lower your standards.  I do have high standards, but they weren’t the “wash board abs”, and height requirements or paycheque things the article listed.  I have refused to be in a relationship where I feel like shit, and the one time I was, I honestly thought perhaps I was imagining my doubts because of my commitment issues.  Was I creating problems because I’m terrified of relationships? 

In the past, I’ve caused problems because of my fear of commitment.  I had one guy I was seeing, and he was practically living with me, but he wouldn’t have sex with me unless I admitted that we were boyfriend and girlfriend.  I said, “Fine by me. No sex.”  I refused to be ultimatum’ed. I wasn’t going to be pressured into a relationship, and yet looking back I guess we really were a couple.  However, I still have issues with saying he was my boyfriend.  Probably because I feel a boyfriend wouldn’t have made that condition if he had actually understood me, and my fear of commitment.

Oh, and one funny thing is the more articles I read, I keep coming across how girls are upset with how often guys use the fear of commitment card.  But I totally get it.  I do.  So I read these articles, and kind of laugh and tense inside.  Why is it so easy for everyone else?  More than once I’ve had an awkward conversation where I guy I was kind of seeing said, “It feels like you’re the guy”, when I refused to open up and talk about my emotions, or introduce them as my boyfriend, or meet my family, or countless other examples.  This may sound like I’ve had a parade of guys, but it’s been very few and far between, and I don’t seem to be getting any better.

I need to work on flirting, and after recounting these tales, I think I need to work on making myself available.  I think I’m much more ready to have a relationship, but I think I’d still cringe if I was asked to commit, or make anything official.  I’m much better in the shadows.  I guess I can’t have it both ways.  So I lurk.  I get crushes on the unavailable.  

If You See the Pattern, Can You Break It?

Something I wrote last post stuck out, and I wanted to address it.

“He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.” 

This was about my one guy friend; however, I think I do this too.  I say this because I notice I often create situations that keep me from the object of my affection.  Unrequited.  I am beginning to see a pattern in how I approach (or more honestly, avoid) relationships. For example…

Married Tattoo Guy, well he’s still very much always on my mind.   We text pretty frequently now, and I am unsure how to feel about the excitement I get when I see he’s sent a text.  I was reading somewhere that chatting like that can be a sign of infidelity since they are confiding their hopes and dreams to you and not their spouse, and I can see that to an extent, however we also just keep each other up to date on things in our lives, because that’s what friends do.  Of course, I feel for him differently than other friends, yes.  I can tell he does too, and it’s confusing.  Am I attracted because he’s married, thus unavailable so I can play out a fantasy in my head?  I often have unrequited emotions for the men I am attracted to, but this feels different since I feel he is also attracted to me.

I recently had a different married man friend who seemed to be attracted to me (something in the water?), so I have been thinking about what I’m putting out there.  I’m not attracted to Married Army Guy, but as friends we’ve covered a lot of ground about his strained feelings in his marriage.  Maybe because of the emotions involved he had transferred some to me?  I was a bit concerned about it, but felt it was something I could shut down if he ever tried something, but with Married Tattoo Guy I seriously doubt my resolve.  I’ve told myself I am not the type to get involved with a married man, but I acknowledge I have some strong feelings here. 

Recently, MTG told me he was applying for a new job, and I was genuinely so proud of him.  He replied that it meant a lot to him.  I was glad he felt able to share such things with me (as in I don’t think he had told anyone else yet) because I actually cared to ask, and genuinely want good things for him.  Hard to share those things with someone you are having a strained relationship with.  

One of the strangest things for me and MTG is I feel very comfortable around him.  I know with regular guys, when I know they’re in a relationship I tend to relax because if they’re off limits, it makes it easier for me to be myself without me or them worrying I’m hitting on them or vice-versa.   I prefer hanging out with guys, but I feel that whole topic of sex and sexuality has to be removed before real friendship can develop.   With MTG, however, I felt very connected with him immediately, and I am not the strange awkward person I usually am around a guy I like.  Maybe because he is in fact married.  I can’t explain it very well, but I am calm and relaxed around him.  I can easily meet his eye, or make casual contact in a way I am usually super aware of.  I can find myself sitting next to him and sharing a smoke easily, or giving him a hug before realizing I should not be so familiar with him.  I am not used to being so physically comfortable with someone I like, and that’s what makes me uncomfortable.  Does that even make sense?  I tried to ignore how much we clicked when we first met, but now…

Oh geez, this is beginning to sound like the diary of a mistress.  I know I do not want to be with someone if they are married, or really even separated.  I know this because of my one official relationship, the guy was separated- and actually with someone else entirely, making me the mistress and feeling like utter shit.  I feel that MTG is not in a space to be entering into anything new, especially considering he is in the process of ending a very serious long-term relationship.  And I wouldn’t want to be a rebound, or enter into a relationship right after that.  It feels like overlap.  It feels wrong.  I know these things, and yet I still have these strong feelings, and want to be with him. 

I am trying very hard to turn this into something else.  To turn these emotions into just a deep and lasting friendship.  To be there for him, and support him since he is dealing with such intense emotions, and not be a distraction.  I know he needs to end his marriage on his own terms, or their own terms.  I very much do not want to complicate anything, but here I am, feeling complicated.  Now that he’s in my life, I don’t want him to leave.  It just struck me because I was not expecting to have such strong emotions so immediately for someone. 

I think another part of it is the whole “If he is interested in you, he’ll let you know”, and I feel this is reciprocated, it just can’t be reciprocated.  I remember meeting his gaze at a fire this past weekend.  We just looked at each other, and knew.  It was unlike anything I’ve ever really experienced.  It was just there.  Connection.  Plain and simple.  I know we’re both thinking, “Ah, this timing is crap.”

It also blows my mind that we had never met before.  In all the years I’ve known Stunt Guy (going on 8?), we’ve never met.  They’ve been pretty much best friends for 20 years, and it was only recently that MTG and I met.  Just over a month ago?  It boggles my mind how people can come out of nowhere and just feel like a natural part of your life. 

Okay, I need to stop that.

So how it fits into my pattern is; It is a relationship that cannot happen.  He is married.  I can only pine from a distance.  It seems to fit my pattern quite well.  What makes it unusual for me is I feel he actually reciprocates, but cannot do anything about it.  Our hands are tied.  Way to break the mould, Friday.

Okay. So I think basically what I need to do is start dating.  Go find some single men and get over this feeling.  Transfer it, or something.  Keep busy and don’t continue to fall for MTG.  Of course, if it were that easy, I’d probably have been dating this entire time.  Damnit.  

I Missed the First Round…

I’m going to be 34 soon.   In just over a month.  I think I’m alright with my age.  Nothing I can do to change it anyways.  I’m often mistaken for much younger, which I suppose is a good thing, though a lot of my friends are older than me. I just wish I was further ahead, or near where I think someone of my age should be.  I wish I knew better what that actually meant.  Maybe then I could make some moves towards it.

When I was finishing high school I moved into a house of University students, and I’m still friends with a good number of them.  As they were almost done Uni, they’re on average five years older than me.  When I worked at a dinner theatre, the people I got along with were about ten years older.  It’s funny.  I don’t think I’m particularly mature for my age.

I partially bring it up because when I have a birthday, there is something a bit of lackluster to them.  Any big milestone, my friends have already hit.  I remember turning 25 and going, “Wow”, but it wasn’t considered anything by my friends who were dealing with hitting 30. And yep, when I hit 30, they were thinking about how much closer to 40 they are.

My one friend, the Stunt Guy, is almost ten years older than me to the day.  We’ve often celebrated together, but I do get some weird looks from other people when they find out he’s ten years older than me, and one of my best friends.  Apparently, it’s an issue for people? At any rate, his last few birthdays he’s been more and more morose.  He’s been in an excruciatingly long divorce (five years), and I know as time goes on he’s worried he will never find someone to settle down and have kids with.  He’s worried he’s running out of time.  It’s weird, but for all the women I hear that complain men don’t want to settle down, I know quite a few.

As time goes on I keep hearing about more and more divorces.  It’s discouraging. The cynic in me pounces on this information, though. “See? It doesn’t work out for anyone.  Why should you be happy? You don’t deserve it.  Those people deserved it more, and it didn’t work out for them.” Everyone has a story, and they’re not all happy endings.

Not be completely depressing, I do see the odd successful relationship, too.  And these friends are good enough not to hide the fact that they have ups and downs, and work very hard at their relationship.  I always find it fascinating when we’re out for dinner or having a backyard fire and maybe they disagree, and I see them actively work through their disagreement.  I think it’s very healthy, and reminds me if I meet someone I want to be with, I have a lot for things to work on since I am such a creature of habit who has carved out a very independent (some would say solitary) life.  I know I’m not good with compromise (I’m quite selfish, and I see that), since I have not had to consider someone else in a very long time, and I have not had much experience learning how to be in a relationship.  I missed crucial learning stages in my teens and 20s.

There’s this scene in “Northern Exposure” I remember from watching as a youth that has resonated with me more and more as I get older.

Maggie: I never meet anybody. And even if I do, it's never someone I'd even conceive of having a relationship with. Why is it all the good guys are taken, Ed?
Ed: Well…
Maggie: It's 'cause I missed the first round. That's it. I mean, these things are cyclical. All the men I'd ever be interested in are already married. So I guess I'll just have to be patient, wait for the divorces.

Speaking of age differences I remember one time, having some drinks post-bar with some people, the subject of ages had come up.  I was standing next to this one guy I ran into every now and then.  We would drink and talk well into the morning about nothing and everything.  We seriously know things about each other no one else does, but he would become stand offish from time to time, like he was torn between telling me everything, and telling me nothing.  We met when he was dating a friend of mine, so I considered him off-limits.  That stuck with me pretty hard even after they had broken up.

His friend asked how old I was.  I think I was 27 or 28 at the time, and the friend was near my age, but it turned out the guy I was close to was about 8 years older than me.  I remember him pausing, and thinking hard about that.  He repeated it almost reluctantly, “So… you’re eight years younger than me…”, as he stared into the distance.  I had furrowed my brow, and remember wondering if he figured I was too young for him, which I didn’t think made much sense since his buddy had just said he was my age.  I think that’s when it first popped into my head he figured I was too young to date.  Yes, this is the same guy who later dated someone younger than me, so I don’t know what to think of his logic anymore.

I probably misread the situation.  It seems I rather misread him.  It really sucks because I miss our talks.  I miss him.  Add that to he never really sought me out.  I mean, when we ran into each other, we were inseparable, but I think that scared him a bit.  I know I am terrified of situations where people get to know me too well (trust issues and all that).  His are a bit different, though.  He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.

____

How serendipitous; I just read an interesting article about the perception of unavailability.  It rather puts me and 8-years-older-than-me guy, and even Married Tattooed Guy in perspective.  How much in perspective?  I am truly acknowledging that Tattooed Guy is married.  No grey, tantalizing, nervous-energy, emotional response area.  That can be a very enticing, and a very stupid place to be.  I know I am not a superhot babe with whom they picture themselves with upon first meeting (regardless of relationship status - everyone looks).  It’s usually after we get to know each other and share personal experiences that they give me a potential second look. I think this article helped explain to me a bit how I relate to, and how men relate to me.

It makes sense, though.  I have severe trust issues.  I am drawn to the unavailable because it’s safe in its own way.  Since it’s all in my head I can play with it all I want and never actually get hurt.  Huzzah?  If I’ve missed the first round, is this self-realization to how I relate to men how I get into the second?  Is it truly cyclical? And if so, how do I do it well?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bonnie-gleicher/how-desirable-is-unavailable-a-bachelorettes-human-experiment

Greener Grass

I’ve discovered that Guy I Swapped Numbers With But Am Afraid to Text reminds me of Shel Silverstein.  You know, that artist who wrote “Where the Sidewalk Ends”, and “The Giving Tree”?  It’s an odd connection to make, but I think it is suiting since this guy is also a writer of sorts.

I made the connection because he was lightly referenced in a little programme I’ve been watching called “The Girls Next Door”.  If you’re not familiar with it, it was a reality show about the live-in girlfriends of Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy.  I’m strangely attracted to these shows, because of how much sexuality is flaunted, and how confident these women are.  Yes, they’re practically clones (one of the ladies states she was raised in a closing lab for Hef, haha), but man do they enjoy having fun.  They laugh very easily, and are thoroughly in the moment, which is refreshing to watch.  I think I take things far too seriously most times.  I can see why men would want to be around these women.  They’re fun.  They’re sweet.  They’re also catty to each other and their hierarchy, and not often the smartest, but they’re living in a mansion and ride in private jets so I can be jealous if I want to. 

Anyways, there was about five seconds were an old photo of Shel was shown, and the beard and serious looking but smiley face made me go, “Yep. Doppelgänger.”  I think I will tell him so next time I run into him.  I think it’s a compliment, so if he knows who and what I’m talking about, huzzah.  Yep.  Already planning casual conversation in case I run into him again.  I’d find it sad if it didn’t come in so handy sometimes. 

In weird news, I recently begun to wonder about a pattern I’m seeing emerge regarding married men. Specifically, unhappily married men, and their possible attraction to me.  Considering I’m usually not very good at picking up on male interest, it’s beginning to bother me, and I’m wondering if I’m imagining it, or what am I putting out there if this is the case?

I met a tattooed friend of a friend at our regular wing night a few weeks ago.  Tattooed Guy had been staying with my Stunt Guy friend since he was dealing with marital issues.  I actually have quite a few friends dealing with separation and divorce right now.  It’s not very reassuring for someone like me who can’t date to see these commitments fall apart. Flag:  trust issues.  It’s also tough for me sometimes to really understand how they’re feeling since I have not had a long-term relationship.  So I listen, and offer what support I can. 

Well last week, while chatting away this new guy confided quite a bit to me.  I’m pretty used to it (I often have more to hear than say when it comes to relationships), but it felt very intense, and he felt really focused on me.  He mentioned how being back at his house with his wife has made him so unhappy.  I get talking to someone new can be good since they can provide a fresh take on things, but part of me is worried that he may mistake this immediate closeness and my willingness to listen as something else.  Part of me is worried I'm mistaking it for something else as well. I do find him attractive, but I’m I have no desire to be a mistress. I say this as someone who found out that her first real boyfriend experience was really her first real mistress experience.  I mentioned trust issues, right? Yeah.  I really hope it’s not a vibe I put off.  I get along with guys, I try to be friendly like I do with anyone, but I’ve noticed that men who are in unhappy relationships tend to gravitate towards me.  Stunt Guy said it’s because I listen, and don’t wrap myself up in drama.  So I’m simple and that’s attractive? Weird.

This is the second unhappily married man who has confided in me in so many months.  Two months ago I had a weird… interaction? One sided conversation?  I’m not even sure how to word it.  As an electrician, he was in town for a month for a job, and we met for drinks or dinner every now and again.  We have friends in common from University, but he had joined the army and moved away, and since then most of our mutual friends have moved away so he called me up.  It was good, until it got very intense and weird.  A few drinks in, he would say things like, “Why is my wife even with me?” Sometimes I can see when people are fishing, but it wasn’t until our last hangout that he apologized for “making things weird” and did a series of long looks and several almost started sentences that I had to cut the visit short and go home.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine who has gone through similar things, and he said some people do leave their spouses for someone else. It’s an urban myth they don’t -but it doesn’t mean they want the person.  They want a reason.  They want what that person represents.  (Back story: Someone left their spouse for him, but that wasn’t what he had wanted, and eventually both relationships ended.)

I’m pretty dense most times, but I do not want someone to use me as a reason to leave their wife, especially when it’s not me they really want.  They want what they consider easy and drama-free.  I guess someone like me who doesn’t have much relationship experience, and thus lacks that dating drama would seem less emotionally draining.

When did I become drama-free, interesting, and seductive? Wtf. How do I turn that to single guys I like?

It’s been a weird time.

How Does One Get “Asked Out”?

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

Seriously.  Tell it to me like I’m a four-year-old.  If you can break it down onto post-it notes, I’d be much obliged.  Because man, am I doing something wrong.

I get I’m not the hottest.  I do.  Empirically, I’m average.  Add to that I happen to be overweight. Okay.  Smarts-wise, I’m a bit more prepared.  I can use the word irony correctly.  But there are a lot more unattractive people, and heavier people, and people who think Alanis really nailed that song who are in long-term relationships, and I am just sitting here, knowing I use way too many commas.

Nothing really hits it home quicker or more succinctly that I am not appealing to the opposite sex than hanging out with a good-looking friend of mine.  They get hit on ALL THE TIME.  And they handle it well, because they are used to it.  “You’re beautiful! Would you like to go out some time?”  Little clouds of men form around these women.  Suddenly I’m a rejected satellite to this gorgeous Hotness Planet I came with.  I get it.  They’re attractive.  Not only that, they’re intelligent, funny, caring people.  I know because I wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t.  So am I allowed to envy this? Resent it? I try not to.

It still hurts to be around.  I’ve mastered the art of, “No worries, I’ve got to go over here and stare at this odd brick pattern anyways.”

I’ve studied enough sociology and psychology to understand why people are drawn to certain traits (seriously, I’ve written papers on it), and get if you hit on attractive people you’re eventually going to find some that are smart and nice instead of evil and shallow.  Those are some goods odds.  People are nice to attractive people, so they’re used to it.  They’re often very kind back.  True story.

Not ‘hot’ people get the shaft.  People are not as willing to give the benefit of the doubt that spending their time with you is worth the effort of finding a match.  There are other hot people to meet and maybe make that connection with.  It sucks. I know, I know… Heeeey, green grass…

I am quite lucky to have some very attractive friends.  I often use the line that attractive people attract attractive people (ha ha), and it can be a bit of a bubble.  I seem to have subverted it by working in bars for years (hired for skill, not looks), and being witty enough to make it past my below average veneer.  As a result, I find myself from time to time wondering what I am doing faking it around these people who may accept me for some reasons, but will never date me.

Am I shallow for wanting the hot people to want to date me? Yes.  I am shallow.  Deep down I am very shallow (ha ha).  I want to be attracted to whom I date, but I also find some people get less attractive when they have a bad personality.  I find they are more attractive when they are insightful, intelligent, and funny.  I’m often told this, too.  People seem to be more attracted to me the more they talk with me, and so on, but it never leads to dating.  It’s frustrating.

Simply put, I don’t get asked out.  I get invited to things, but it’s not the same.  And it often reminds me that I am not the same.  I can ignore it most of the time.  It only really stings when people literally stop us on the street to talk to my friend, or I get a, “Oh, you too” invite when sitting next to my friend.

I think I’m pretty quick witted (I am told this enough that I am inclined to believe it), funny to be around, am involved in things, and try to engage honestly with people.  I’m not the worst, just not the best.  Average is what it is, but there are many, many average people out there with successful dating lives.

I know I’m not the most confident, but I have really worked at breaking out of this the past year.  After a heavy funk and depression, I am focusing on being happier and more balanced.  I just keep coming back to this huge area of my life that no development or real progress has been made.  I’ve been trying to talk more, flirt more, and ask guys to do things.  This was like pulling teeth, but I’ve been working at it.  It just hasn’t been panning out.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve selected carefully my ‘object’ of affection (of the moment), but the whole “if he is interested, he’ll ask you out” does hang over my head quite a bit.

I ran into the guy with whom I swapped numbers with the other day.  Maybe that’s why this came up again.  It was in a gas station.  One I pretty much never stop at, but did that day.  His smile was big and genuine, so I got a little thump in my chest, and kind of missed what I was saying in walking to the counter to pay.  Picturing music, and clever banter, and an invite for coffee?  Ha. 

At the till was another friend I had not seen in a very long time.  Cue catch up session with him all through my transaction, and walk back to my car.  I think phone number guy gave a quick wave as we left, but yeah.  Friendship was a blocker that day.  Don’t get me wrong, I in no way begrudge my long-time friend I had run into, it’s just one of those “Of course it would happen this way. You’re you, Friday.  Don’t forget.” kind of moments.

I hugged my long-time friend goodbye when we reached our cars, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t felt a pang of regret and irritancy.  I wish I was a better person sometimes.