I’m going
to be 34 soon. In just over a month. I think I’m alright with my
age. Nothing I can do to change it anyways. I’m often mistaken for
much younger, which I suppose is a good thing, though a lot of my friends are
older than me. I just wish I was further ahead, or near where I think someone
of my age should be. I wish I knew better what that actually meant.
Maybe then I could make some moves towards it.
When I was finishing high school I
moved into a house of University students, and I’m still friends with a good
number of them. As they were almost done Uni, they’re on average five
years older than me. When I worked at a dinner theatre, the people I got
along with were about ten years older. It’s funny. I don’t think
I’m particularly mature for my age.
I partially bring it up because when I have a birthday, there is something a bit of lackluster to them. Any big milestone, my friends have already hit. I remember turning 25 and going, “Wow”, but it wasn’t considered anything by my friends who were dealing with hitting 30. And yep, when I hit 30, they were thinking about how much closer to 40 they are.
My one friend, the Stunt Guy, is almost ten years older than me to the day. We’ve often celebrated together, but I do get some weird looks from other people when they find out he’s ten years older than me, and one of my best friends. Apparently, it’s an issue for people? At any rate, his last few birthdays he’s been more and more morose. He’s been in an excruciatingly long divorce (five years), and I know as time goes on he’s worried he will never find someone to settle down and have kids with. He’s worried he’s running out of time. It’s weird, but for all the women I hear that complain men don’t want to settle down, I know quite a few.
As time goes on I keep hearing about more and more divorces. It’s discouraging. The cynic in me pounces on this information, though. “See? It doesn’t work out for anyone. Why should you be happy? You don’t deserve it. Those people deserved it more, and it didn’t work out for them.” Everyone has a story, and they’re not all happy endings.
Not be completely depressing, I do see the odd successful relationship, too. And these friends are good enough not to hide the fact that they have ups and downs, and work very hard at their relationship. I always find it fascinating when we’re out for dinner or having a backyard fire and maybe they disagree, and I see them actively work through their disagreement. I think it’s very healthy, and reminds me if I meet someone I want to be with, I have a lot for things to work on since I am such a creature of habit who has carved out a very independent (some would say solitary) life. I know I’m not good with compromise (I’m quite selfish, and I see that), since I have not had to consider someone else in a very long time, and I have not had much experience learning how to be in a relationship. I missed crucial learning stages in my teens and 20s.
There’s this scene in “Northern Exposure” I remember from watching as a youth that has resonated with me more and more as I get older.
Maggie: I never meet anybody. And even if I do, it's never someone I'd even conceive of having a relationship with. Why is it all the good guys are taken, Ed?
Ed: Well…
Maggie: It's 'cause I missed the first round. That's it. I mean, these things are cyclical. All the men I'd ever be interested in are already married. So I guess I'll just have to be patient, wait for the divorces.
Speaking of age differences I remember one time, having some drinks post-bar
with some people, the subject of ages had come up. I was standing next to
this one guy I ran into every now and then. We would drink and talk well
into the morning about nothing and everything. We seriously know things
about each other no one else does, but he would become stand offish from time
to time, like he was torn between telling me everything, and telling me nothing.
We met when he was dating a friend of mine, so I considered him
off-limits. That stuck with me pretty hard even after they had broken up.
His friend asked how old I was. I think I was 27 or 28 at the time, and the friend was near my age, but it turned out the guy I was close to was about 8 years older than me. I remember him pausing, and thinking hard about that. He repeated it almost reluctantly, “So… you’re eight years younger than me…”, as he stared into the distance. I had furrowed my brow, and remember wondering if he figured I was too young for him, which I didn’t think made much sense since his buddy had just said he was my age. I think that’s when it first popped into my head he figured I was too young to date. Yes, this is the same guy who later dated someone younger than me, so I don’t know what to think of his logic anymore.
I probably misread the situation. It seems I rather misread him. It really sucks because I miss our talks. I miss him. Add that to he never really sought me out. I mean, when we ran into each other, we were inseparable, but I think that scared him a bit. I know I am terrified of situations where people get to know me too well (trust issues and all that). His are a bit different, though. He desperately wants to be loved. So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them. It’s sad to see.
____
How serendipitous; I just read an interesting article about the perception of unavailability. It rather puts me and 8-years-older-than-me guy, and even Married Tattooed Guy in perspective. How much in perspective? I am truly acknowledging that Tattooed Guy is married. No grey, tantalizing, nervous-energy, emotional response area. That can be a very enticing, and a very stupid place to be. I know I am not a superhot babe with whom they picture themselves with upon first meeting (regardless of relationship status - everyone looks). It’s usually after we get to know each other and share personal experiences that they give me a potential second look. I think this article helped explain to me a bit how I relate to, and how men relate to me.
It makes sense, though. I have severe trust issues. I am drawn to the unavailable because it’s safe in its own way. Since it’s all in my head I can play with it all I want and never actually get hurt. Huzzah? If I’ve missed the first round, is this self-realization to how I relate to men how I get into the second? Is it truly cyclical? And if so, how do I do it well?
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