Availability

How do I find available men? I don’t just mean guys who are single.  I mean guys who are single, and actually emotionally available.   This means not hung up on someone (sorry, 8 Year Guy), dealing with a failing marriage (sorry, Married Tattoo Guy), or secretly seeing someone else all along (not sorry at all, First “Real” Boyfriend).

You’d think there’d be some decent dudes out there, and there are, but I’m friends with them, not dating them.  I’m constantly surprised how often I hear girls talk about there are no good guys, and I think of all my awesome single guy friends, but I am (usually) not attracted to them in that way, so I guess I can’t really count that? I don’t know.  And now here I am saying the same thing.  So okay, time to clarify even further.

I would like to meet single, available guys, who I am attracted to, who want to date me as well.  I suppose specifics are helpful in cases like this. 

I was reading online how to get out of a dating (or lack thereof) rut, and how to stop putting roadblocks to relationships up.  I know I have commitment and trust issues, but I also see that until I have an idea of what I would like, I won’t notice them if I see it. These articles also said things like people can create unrealistic expectations which results in permanent singleness.  Since I’ve been single so very long, I took a hard look at myself, and what I think I actually want.  Actually, one of the articles pissed me off because it said things like having unrealistic expectations like dating outside of your league will make you sad and alone, and to lower your standards.  I do have high standards, but they weren’t the “wash board abs”, and height requirements or paycheque things the article listed.  I have refused to be in a relationship where I feel like shit, and the one time I was, I honestly thought perhaps I was imagining my doubts because of my commitment issues.  Was I creating problems because I’m terrified of relationships? 

In the past, I’ve caused problems because of my fear of commitment.  I had one guy I was seeing, and he was practically living with me, but he wouldn’t have sex with me unless I admitted that we were boyfriend and girlfriend.  I said, “Fine by me. No sex.”  I refused to be ultimatum’ed. I wasn’t going to be pressured into a relationship, and yet looking back I guess we really were a couple.  However, I still have issues with saying he was my boyfriend.  Probably because I feel a boyfriend wouldn’t have made that condition if he had actually understood me, and my fear of commitment.

Oh, and one funny thing is the more articles I read, I keep coming across how girls are upset with how often guys use the fear of commitment card.  But I totally get it.  I do.  So I read these articles, and kind of laugh and tense inside.  Why is it so easy for everyone else?  More than once I’ve had an awkward conversation where I guy I was kind of seeing said, “It feels like you’re the guy”, when I refused to open up and talk about my emotions, or introduce them as my boyfriend, or meet my family, or countless other examples.  This may sound like I’ve had a parade of guys, but it’s been very few and far between, and I don’t seem to be getting any better.

I need to work on flirting, and after recounting these tales, I think I need to work on making myself available.  I think I’m much more ready to have a relationship, but I think I’d still cringe if I was asked to commit, or make anything official.  I’m much better in the shadows.  I guess I can’t have it both ways.  So I lurk.  I get crushes on the unavailable.