It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)
Seriously. Tell it to
me like I’m a four-year-old. If you can
break it down onto post-it notes, I’d be much obliged. Because man, am I doing something wrong.
I get I’m not the hottest.
I do. Empirically, I’m
average. Add to that I happen to be
overweight. Okay. Smarts-wise, I’m a bit
more prepared. I can use the word irony
correctly. But there are a lot more
unattractive people, and heavier people, and people who think Alanis really
nailed that song who are in long-term relationships, and I am just sitting here,
knowing I use way too many commas.
Nothing really hits it home quicker or more succinctly that
I am not appealing to the opposite sex than hanging out with a good-looking
friend of mine. They get hit on ALL THE
TIME. And they handle it well, because
they are used to it. “You’re beautiful!
Would you like to go out some time?”
Little clouds of men form around these women. Suddenly I’m a rejected satellite to this
gorgeous Hotness Planet I came with. I
get it. They’re attractive. Not only that, they’re intelligent, funny,
caring people. I know because I wouldn’t
be friends with them if they weren’t. So
am I allowed to envy this? Resent it? I try not to.
It still hurts to be around.
I’ve mastered the art of, “No worries, I’ve got to go over here and
stare at this odd brick pattern anyways.”
I’ve studied enough sociology and psychology to understand
why people are drawn to certain traits (seriously, I’ve written papers on it),
and get if you hit on attractive people you’re eventually going to find some
that are smart and nice instead of evil and shallow. Those are some goods odds. People are nice to attractive people, so they’re
used to it. They’re often very kind
back. True story.
Not ‘hot’ people get the shaft. People are not as willing to give the benefit
of the doubt that spending their time with you is worth the effort of finding a
match. There are other hot people to
meet and maybe make that connection with.
It sucks. I know, I know… Heeeey, green grass…
I am quite lucky to have some very attractive friends. I often use the line that attractive people
attract attractive people (ha ha), and it can be a bit of a bubble. I seem to have subverted it by working in
bars for years (hired for skill, not looks), and being witty enough to make it
past my below average veneer. As a
result, I find myself from time to time wondering what I am doing faking it
around these people who may accept me for some reasons, but will never date me.
Am I shallow for wanting the hot people to want to date me?
Yes. I am shallow. Deep down I am very shallow (ha ha). I want to be attracted to whom I date, but I
also find some people get less attractive when they have a bad
personality. I find they are more
attractive when they are insightful, intelligent, and funny. I’m often told this, too. People seem to be more attracted to me the
more they talk with me, and so on, but it never leads to dating. It’s frustrating.
Simply put, I don’t get asked out. I get invited to things, but it’s not the
same. And it often reminds me that I am
not the same. I can ignore it most of
the time. It only really stings when
people literally stop us on the street to talk to my friend, or I get a, “Oh,
you too” invite when sitting next to my friend.
I think I’m pretty quick witted (I am told this enough that
I am inclined to believe it), funny to be around, am involved in things, and
try to engage honestly with people. I’m not
the worst, just not the best. Average is
what it is, but there are many, many average people out there with successful
dating lives.
I know I’m not the most confident, but I have really worked
at breaking out of this the past year.
After a heavy funk and depression, I am focusing on being happier and
more balanced. I just keep coming back
to this huge area of my life that no development or real progress has been
made. I’ve been trying to talk more,
flirt more, and ask guys to do things.
This was like pulling teeth, but I’ve been working at it. It just hasn’t been panning out. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve selected carefully
my ‘object’ of affection (of the moment), but the whole “if he is interested,
he’ll ask you out” does hang over my head quite a bit.
I ran into the guy with whom I swapped numbers with the
other day. Maybe that’s why this came up
again. It was in a gas station. One I pretty much never stop at, but did that
day. His smile was big and genuine, so I
got a little thump in my chest, and kind of missed what I was saying in walking
to the counter to pay. Picturing music,
and clever banter, and an invite for coffee?
Ha.
At the till was another friend I had not seen in a very long
time. Cue catch up session with him all
through my transaction, and walk back to my car. I think phone number guy gave a quick wave as
we left, but yeah. Friendship was a
blocker that day. Don’t get me wrong, I
in no way begrudge my long-time friend I had run into, it’s just one of those “Of
course it would happen this way. You’re you, Friday. Don’t forget.” kind of moments.
I hugged my long-time friend goodbye when we reached our
cars, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t felt a pang of regret and irritancy. I wish I was a better person sometimes.
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