Acknowledging a Crush is Like Admitting Defeat

It sounds harsh, but it’s often how I feel.  Why is this on my mind?

This weekend I told Married Tattooed Guy that I have feelings for him, but that it is something that I need to get over.  I think my logic was if I addressed it, and put it out in the open, maybe it would go away.  I had kind of apologized for putting him in a weird position, but felt if I was to have any sort of honest friendship with him, it was something I needed to do.

Looking back, it feels like a rather selfish thing for me to have done.  However… he admitted to having feelings for me as well. 

Son of a. 

I really did not expect that. I had thought it, I had felt it, but I didn’t think he would say it.  I think we both felt relieved that the other one has feelings, too, but he is married.  We talked a little about why we may be feeling this way- he having home issues and feeling belittled for so long, and I admitted I tend to be drawn to situations that prevent progress.  We sat in his car after he had driven me home from a fire at a friend’s backyard, listening to music, and then before I got out of the car we hugged.  I probably shouldn’t’ve.  We shouldnt’ve.  But it felt right, and I couldn’t help myself. 

It hurts in the long, drawn out way where your head yells at you for being stupid, and your tummy tightens because you are justsoclose and yet- I can’t bring myself to pursue him.  He has a lot he needs to take care of, and I do not want to be any sort of impediment.  But aren’t I already?  

I was already missing him before I let go and got out of the car.  My stomach was tense until I got the text from him letting me know he was home safe and sound.  Home.  With his wife and kids.  Okay, that’s not entirely true.  He’s been living in the basement.  Still…

I am the worst.  I stupidly reveal my emotions so I won’t have them anymore, dumping on him.  It’s actually reciprocated.  Why? Because it can’t be? He’s felt so unloved for so long that maybe my attention makes him feel better?  I’ve been reading enough to know that is often the case.  It’s not me, it’s the attention, right?  All of this doesn’t make me feel any better, or dissuade the feeling that when I am with him he feels like my match.

I had really begun to think that finding someone I felt was my match wouldn’t happen.  I guess it still hasn’t.  He is unavailable.  When I got his text that he was home safe, I apologized if I had put him off in anyway due to my telling him my feelings.  He replied he wasn’t put off by me, and that he very much enjoys spending time with me.  My gut wrenched. 

I think I really need to focus on finding someone for me, not someone who is tied up with someone else.  Someone who can freely be with me.  Someone I am able to be with completely.  Maybe I can look at this as a good thing since it shows I am able to have deep feelings for someone when I was getting worried all I could feel were shallow, fleeting crushes I do absolutely nothing about, as opposed to deeper real emotions.  I think I could easily feel that for MTG, so there’s hope that if I stop focusing on him, that I can have those feelings for someone else.  It’s possible. 

So now? I need to stop texting.  I need to create space between us again.  I need to get over missing him.  I need to ignore how right he feels.  It can’t be right, after all, he’s married.  I need to stop wanting him.  Stop bothering him while he works through what he needs to.

I obviously still need to work on me.