I’ve been working on a plan.
This plan? Just to be a friend.
To be okay with just being a friend.
I am not just referring to MTG, but in general. I’ve been thinking if I really am going to
love someone and want to be with them, I need to like them fully and completely
as a person first. Curb the lust, the
passion and impulsive nature of my crushes.
I think it may be working.
To assure myself I won’t do anything stupid that could ruin
my friendship with MTG, I have been thinking hard about *why* I’m so attracted
to him. I’m trying to calm myself and
see it as the basis of a great friendship instead of feeding into those powerful
feelings of WANT. I would rather have a
long lasting and solid friendship with him- or anyone- than the twitchy and
tense feelings that lust often settles in me. Those feelings that paralyze me.
I really want him to be happy, and once I realized this, it occurred
to me that if he worked things out with his wife, I’d need to be okay with
that, and to support him. And if they
end it, I am not okay with being a rebound, or some sort of overlap to his
singledom. That would hurt too much, and
I already know I care too much about him to be discarded.
It’s been tough, but I am feeling stronger for it.
He texted last night.
Had a rough day, and so we joked back and forth. I was out trying to watch a meteor shower (saw
bupkis, by the way), and though I mentioned what I was doing, I didn’t invite
him. I’m working on boundaries.
I am now not reading so much into it, and it’s
been good. I still care, and think he’d
have to stop being him for me not to care anymore, but I’m also keeping in mind
things like he’s left and gone back twice now, and if he finally decides that
it’s really over, that’s his decision to make.
In the meantime I’m going to continue working on me. I’m going to maybe check out some other guys
who are actually available. No idea if I
will date them, but I’m not a strong dater to begin with. I despise clichés about dating, but odds are
there are still some nice sweet guys out there. Maybe an available one will
take an interest in me, and I will like him back. I won’t
notice though if I’m fixated on what I can’t have.
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