Something I wrote last post stuck out, and I wanted
to address it.
“He desperately wants to be loved. So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them. It’s sad to see.”
This was about my one guy friend; however, I think I
do this too. I say this because I notice
I often create situations that keep me from the object of my affection. Unrequited.
I am beginning to see a pattern in how I approach (or more honestly,
avoid) relationships. For example…
Married Tattoo Guy, well he’s still very much always
on my mind. We text pretty frequently
now, and I am unsure how to feel about the excitement I get when I see he’s
sent a text. I was reading somewhere
that chatting like that can be a sign of infidelity since they are confiding
their hopes and dreams to you and not their spouse, and I can see that to an
extent, however we also just keep each other up to date on things in our lives,
because that’s what friends do. Of
course, I feel for him differently than other friends, yes. I can tell he does too, and it’s
confusing. Am I attracted because he’s
married, thus unavailable so I can play out a fantasy in my head? I often have unrequited emotions for the men
I am attracted to, but this feels different since I feel he is also attracted
to me.
I recently had a different married man friend who
seemed to be attracted to me (something in the water?), so I have been thinking
about what I’m putting out there. I’m
not attracted to Married Army Guy, but as friends we’ve covered a lot of ground
about his strained feelings in his marriage.
Maybe because of the emotions involved he had transferred some to
me? I was a bit concerned about it, but
felt it was something I could shut down if he ever tried something, but with
Married Tattoo Guy I seriously doubt my resolve. I’ve told myself I am not the type to get
involved with a married man, but I acknowledge I have some strong feelings
here.
Recently, MTG told me he was applying for a new job,
and I was genuinely so proud of him. He
replied that it meant a lot to him. I
was glad he felt able to share such things with me (as in I don’t think he had
told anyone else yet) because I actually cared to ask, and genuinely want good
things for him. Hard to share those
things with someone you are having a strained relationship with.
One of the strangest things for me and MTG is I feel
very comfortable around him. I know with
regular guys, when I know they’re in a relationship I tend to relax because if
they’re off limits, it makes it easier for me to be myself without me or them
worrying I’m hitting on them or vice-versa.
I prefer hanging out with guys, but I feel that whole topic of sex and
sexuality has to be removed before real friendship can develop. With MTG, however, I felt very connected
with him immediately, and I am not the strange awkward person I usually am
around a guy I like. Maybe because he is
in fact married. I can’t explain it very
well, but I am calm and relaxed around him.
I can easily meet his eye, or make casual contact in a way I am usually super
aware of. I can find myself sitting next
to him and sharing a smoke easily, or giving him a hug before realizing I should
not be so familiar with him. I am not
used to being so physically comfortable with someone I like, and that’s what
makes me uncomfortable. Does that even
make sense? I tried to ignore how much
we clicked when we first met, but now…
Oh geez, this is beginning to sound like the diary
of a mistress. I know I do not want to
be with someone if they are married, or really even separated. I know this because of my one official
relationship, the guy was separated- and actually with someone else entirely,
making me the mistress and feeling like utter shit. I feel that MTG is not in a space to be
entering into anything new, especially considering he is in the process of
ending a very serious long-term relationship.
And I wouldn’t want to be a rebound, or enter into a relationship right
after that. It feels like overlap. It feels wrong. I know these things, and yet I still have
these strong feelings, and want to be with him.
I am trying very hard to turn this into something else. To turn these emotions into just a deep and
lasting friendship. To be there for him,
and support him since he is dealing with such intense emotions, and not be a
distraction. I know he needs to end his
marriage on his own terms, or their own terms.
I very much do not want to complicate anything, but here I am, feeling
complicated. Now that he’s in my life, I
don’t want him to leave. It just struck
me because I was not expecting to have such strong emotions so immediately for
someone.
I think another part of it is the whole “If he is
interested in you, he’ll let you know”, and I feel this is reciprocated, it
just can’t be reciprocated. I remember meeting his gaze at a fire this
past weekend. We just looked at each
other, and knew. It was unlike anything
I’ve ever really experienced. It was
just there. Connection. Plain and simple. I know we’re both thinking, “Ah, this timing is
crap.”
It also blows my mind that we had never met
before. In all the years I’ve known
Stunt Guy (going on 8?), we’ve never met.
They’ve been pretty much best friends for 20 years, and it was only
recently that MTG and I met. Just over a
month ago? It boggles my mind how people
can come out of nowhere and just feel like a natural part of your life.
Okay, I need to stop that.
So how it fits into my pattern is; It is a
relationship that cannot happen. He is
married. I can only pine from a
distance. It seems to fit my pattern
quite well. What makes it unusual for me
is I feel he actually reciprocates, but cannot do anything about it. Our hands are tied. Way to break the mould, Friday.
Okay. So I think basically what I need to do is
start dating. Go find some single men
and get over this feeling. Transfer it,
or something. Keep busy and don’t
continue to fall for MTG. Of course, if
it were that easy, I’d probably have been dating this entire time. Damnit.
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