It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)I’m tired of trying to explain myself to people who don't care. What is part of the problem is they don’t see how they’re often part of the problem. Especially when they ask why I act a certain way, or whatever, and then don’t understand even after I explain it. So I say, “Never mind.”, and I get to live with the uncomfortable feelings, the stress, the gut-gnawing anxiety.
I’m also often in a position where I’m the one people come
to about issues with other people. I
have this one long-time friend. We’ve
worked together, and I’ve often bent over backwards to help her because I know
what it’s like to try and make something of nothing, but these past couple of
years I’ve been feeling really taken advantage of. Today I just found out that if I stand up for
myself and say what is bothering me, she waves it off and already had someone
else to help her, she just wanted to see if I would help first. What? What kind
of logic is that?
It makes me very tired.
And many events coming up include her, so I can’t just avoid it or her.
I’m finding even thinking of her or these upcoming events drain me, and I have
no interest or passion for it since it means I’ll be dealing with these
feelings, and running interference for the several other people who can’t work
with her. I try to keep an open mind and
see both sides, but after these years of mediating, maybe I need to accept that
she is just really difficult and not misunderstood. Maybe I need to stand back and not kill
myself trying to help someone who doesn’t seem to understand. Am I a bad person if I stop trying to
help? Maybe I’ve been impeding all these
years by smoothing things over when she and others really needed to learn how
to get along and work with each other?
I don’t know. I just know it’s making me sick and angry, and
I don’t want someone else and what they do or say to me to control me like
that. I just wish I was more confident in doing things for me and standing up
for myself. Why when I am challenged do
I buckle so quickly and take the easy way out, even though it’s harder on me in
the long run? Okay. Enough self pity.
In kind of positive news, I think a guy tried to hit on me this weekend. It was awkward,
but then it occurred to me this could be a shy guy trying to flirt. Who
knew? I think I’m going to try and be
better aware of these things. I don’t
know how yet, but it’s kind of a start. A half start? Maybe. I’m noticing a lot
of these issues I have are directly related to my confidence (or lack thereof),
and my social anxiety. I am not good at confrontation.
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