The Male of the Species Is More ___ Than the Female

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

Back to the male side of relationship things, I guess I can elaborate a bit more about the shy guy who may have hit on me.  I was with a friend, and she’s about as clueless as I am, and it wasn’t until he wandered away that she mentioned he may have been interested in me. I’ll explain.

I went to a local comic event, and was wearing a Star Trek costume. Just the Uhura red dress, nothing intense like some of the awesome costumes I saw.  I love comics and nerdy/ geeky stuff like that, but I don’t see them as nerdy/ geeky, I see them as interesting and creative.  New worlds you create in your mind!  Ha, maybe that’s why I like them so much. :)  Anyways, this guy comes up to me and my friend and gestures to his camera phone asking if I would take a picture.  Keep in mind, we were by the photo area, and there were some celebrities nearby, so I thought he wanted me to use his phone to maybe take a photo of him and a celebrity.  Turns out he was asking to take a photo of me in my uniform.

I’m fairly insecure about my body, but I did dress up and go to a public place, so I nervously smiled and got the photo done.  He stood there a bit longer and made some small talk about how he debated on dressing up.  As he was wearing a Batman shirt, I commented something non-smooth about I almost wore the same shirt but changed my mind last minute.  We joked he could maybe label himself #1 Batman fan, but people may just try and fight him for the title. 

After he left it, that’s when my friend made the observation.  She said she probably needed to work on her wingman skills, but I noted both he and I seemed pretty awkward at small talk, so it may not have helped.  I was a bit optimistic to see him somewhere else, though.  I mean, he’s obviously into the same kind of things I am, which is good. I often find after talking to guys I find attractive (though few and far between), that the nerdy, smart ones are the most interesting.  I’m going to let myself feel good about this, even though it makes me nervous.

Along those lines, I met a guy a couple of months ago I have to admit I have been very drawn to.  I’m not used to that.  Light crushes, yes.  I’m pretty good a quashing my feelings because they only lead to disappointment and embarrassment, but this guy seemed genuinely kind and smart, and I had a great time talking with him.  Wine may have helped.

A few weeks later I ran into him again, and fortified by probably beer and a great night so far, I chatted with him again and we swapped numbers.  I seriously never do that, but we had talked about some events coming up we were both interested in.  I was pretty excited but also constantly reminding myself that he probably just wanted some people with mutual interests to go to these things with.  I get that. I’m no prize looks wise, so I’m often not considered datable material by guys when they meet me.  Regardless I was excited at the prospect just to talk with him again. 

It took me a lot to get up the nerve (so much I can’t believe I did it), but I summoned resolve from somewhere to ask if he would be interested in seeing a play that weekend.  I gave him lots of time to respond, but I have to admit, when I didn’t get a response that first day or two it really bothered me. Why did I even bother? All those negative thoughts you have about yourself are made concrete when someone won’t even respond.  But then I got a reply.  He would be out of town, regretted he couldn’t make it, and rain check? 

I have to admit I am still unsure how to feel.  I didn’t respond. I felt stupid, and needy, and stupid some more.  I still want to see him, but I don’t know how I’ll react. Part of me thinks I’ll act like nothing happened, or that it didn’t mean anything, but it did.  Not just because he’s the first guy in a really long time I’ve actually talked to, but because I went out on a bit of a limb.  It’s not that it’s totally unfamiliar territory, it’s more that whenever I do, the guy turns out to not be interested.  Yes, he said “rain check”, but that could also just be a way to soften to blow of no.

I’ve heard time and time again from my platonic guy friends that if a guy is interested, he’ll make sure you know, and I spend a lot of my time in this made-up in-between world, fantasizing that they’re interested, or building up the courage to ask me out, or whatever.  It’s happened pretty regularly for me.  Meet a guy, get a crush, think maybe they’re interested, and find out a few days later they’re seeing someone, or that they’ve met someone since meeting me. Someone they go for.

One of the most recent gut-punches was a poet I met who joked one night after someone gave him a stage kiss that he could really go for one again, and looked directly at me.  A few weeks later he asked me to take a photo of him. I happily complied, and as I did he mentioned how he wanted his new girlfriend to see the picture since she couldn’t make it to the show. Ouch. Message received. 

It was a nice photo.  It was his profile picture for a long time.  Now it’s him and his girlfriend. 

I guess that’s sort of my reasoning for feeling like maybe the Batman guy just wanted a pic of the costume.  Nerds at a nerd event. Nothing more.  Damn, I really didn’t mean to talk myself out of a hopeful feeling.

When Do You Know to Say No to a Friend?

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

I’m tired of trying to explain myself to people who don't care.  What is part of the problem is they don’t see how they’re often part of the problem.  Especially when they ask why I act a certain way, or whatever, and then don’t understand even after I explain it. So I say, “Never mind.”, and I get to live with the uncomfortable feelings, the stress, the gut-gnawing anxiety.

I’m also often in a position where I’m the one people come to about issues with other people.  I have this one long-time friend.  We’ve worked together, and I’ve often bent over backwards to help her because I know what it’s like to try and make something of nothing, but these past couple of years I’ve been feeling really taken advantage of.  Today I just found out that if I stand up for myself and say what is bothering me, she waves it off and already had someone else to help her, she just wanted to see if I would help first. What? What kind of logic is that?

It makes me very tired.  And many events coming up include her, so I can’t just avoid it or her. I’m finding even thinking of her or these upcoming events drain me, and I have no interest or passion for it since it means I’ll be dealing with these feelings, and running interference for the several other people who can’t work with her.  I try to keep an open mind and see both sides, but after these years of mediating, maybe I need to accept that she is just really difficult and not misunderstood.  Maybe I need to stand back and not kill myself trying to help someone who doesn’t seem to understand.  Am I a bad person if I stop trying to help?  Maybe I’ve been impeding all these years by smoothing things over when she and others really needed to learn how to get along and work with each other?

I don’t know. I just know it’s making me sick and angry, and I don’t want someone else and what they do or say to me to control me like that. I just wish I was more confident in doing things for me and standing up for myself.  Why when I am challenged do I buckle so quickly and take the easy way out, even though it’s harder on me in the long run? Okay. Enough self pity.

In kind of positive news, I think a guy tried to hit on me this weekend. It was awkward, but then it occurred to me this could be a shy guy trying to flirt. Who knew?  I think I’m going to try and be better aware of these things.  I don’t know how yet, but it’s kind of a start. A half start? Maybe. I’m noticing a lot of these issues I have are directly related to my confidence (or lack thereof), and my social anxiety. I am not good at confrontation. 

The cheese stands alone...

Do we ever outgrow feeling left out? I have to admit, it's something that's been bothering me the past while. It's come about in a few ways, from not feeling super buddy-buddy with co-workers at my last job which I just assumed was part of the position I was in, but this even spreads to my friends.

I just found out that last night a bunch of them got together to celebrate the ending of one of my close friend's divorce. I had send a supportive text since I knew he would be in divorce court and he would be having a rough time, and today I ran out and got a small cake with “congrats” written on it, only to find out that everyone else had gotten together last night and partied so hard most don't feel like coming out tonight to our regular wing night at the local pub.

It really hurts.

I sent a “I feel stupid for getting this cake” text to one of my friends who was out last night, and now I'm sure she messaged him because he's sending “Hey! Come out!” texts to me, but it's not the same if he had to be reminded. I don't want them feeling bad for forgetting me, but I also don't want the pity invite.

I've been trying to get over how overlooked I feel, and I've sometimes managed to talk myself out of it, but then something like this happens, and I wonder why I bother at all.

I just feel stupid. Stupid for getting this cake, and stupid for thinking I would be included. It's chocolate fudge, too, which I can't eat, so now I'm at home trying not to feel neglected while pity texts come in and this damned cake sits in my fridge. If I go, I am not in the mood to stay and socialize. If I sit at home, well, it's obvious its because I'm hurt. Rock and a hurt place.

In which I had a boyfriend...

So, after a brief hiatus we return to our hero at the same spot we left her. Well, not the exact same spot, but close enough...

Two years. In the two years since I have really posted anything here a lot has changed, and yet nothing at all.

I had recently begun a new job last I posted, and by the long gap I think it's evident it took over most of my life. I was overworked, underpaid, and under appreciated. But somehow I thought that's what I deserved. It was a terrible experience, but it showed me quite certainly what I *didn't* want, which according to my mother, is half the battle. Learning to go after what I do want is the rest, so I am taking stock of my life to go after the kind of job I will at least be happy in.

I won't lie here. Leaving that job felt like failure. I am far less convinced of my skill and worth now as a result of it, and I'm finding it hard to seek a new one. I've a little money saved away, so I'm good for a bit (I'm calling it my "sabbatical"), and in this past month I've really begun to be my old self again. I went for a treat with a friend of mine on Monday, and she told me she was so worried for me, and how much I had changed, that she was going to tell me she thought I need to change my job, but then I quit. I was a little stunned. I knew I was becoming so negative, drinking a lot, and stopped caring about everything. I'm not normally like that, so it's been good to get my head out of that fog.

I also moved this past week. The old place had too many memories of the negative life I had created for myself, so I moved closer to the area I used to live in, and already I can feel the positive change in my life. It's walking distance to most things I do, where I hang out, and closer to my friends. It's amazing how much a change of scenery can boost you, mentally and emotionally.

So here I am, getting my life back on track. The past two years feeling like a dark, dank, depressing hole. I wish I had gotten out sooner. It always feels selfish to say, but I really do need to focus on me.

Also, in 2010 I had begun seeing someone. C*** was, I guess, somehow my first official boyfriend. He worked in the building where my offices were, and by September we were chatting every day, and I was taken with his sense of humour (which I find as very important in someone I'm interested in), his eclectic taste in music, and our chats on weird things like zombies.

It was because of our mutual interest that he came over to watch some zombie movies with me. I was unsure at the time if it was a "date", but was happy to spend the night chatting away. Before we knew it, seven hours had passed and we hadn't started a single film. We agreed to try again, and the same thing happened. I was smitten. He was smart, funny, and quite good-looking. Dare I dream that he might be interested in me that way?

A few more weeks went by, and by October he came out to meet some of my friends after a Hallowe'en show. At Christmas, I was unsure of how to ask if we were "seeing each other", and broached the topic by asking if we were at the stage to buy each other gifts. "No, I don't think so," was the response, and I admit, it kind of crushed me a little, but at least we talked about it. Amazing how much you can put up with on the potential promise of "the future", isn't it? So no gifts, but oddly enough he wanted me to meet his two sons. This took me aback. No gifts, but meet my sons? That seemed far more serious than just exchanging gifts, but okay.

C*** was going through a divorce, and while I was concerned he told me it was basically a done deal, the motions had been in place for a while, and his ex was a psycho, etc. We didn't talk about it much (I didn't think it my place to be involved), but I knew that his sons lived in another city with their mom, and C*** was depressed about that as he really loved his sons. Thus, his introducing them to me felt like a big deal.

They were quite adorable, and over the next couple of months, when they were in town, we took them to movies, and had dinner together. It was odd, but since I do not know if I really want kids of my own, it was rather nice at times to be out in a group that rather felt like a little family. One of C***'s son's said when we were waiting for an order one day, "I bet they think you're my mom." It struck me as odd, and I think I made a joke about it, but it made me think that if things progressed with their dad, maybe that might be the case. It might not be so bad.

C*** was also making noises about us as a couple. He seemed more into the idea, and we were spending a lot of time together. In the spring of 2011, some of my extended family had a barbeque, and I brought C*** . Afterward, something seemed to be bugging him, so I asked. He said he was disappointed that I hadn't been introducing him as my boyfriend to everyone. I was pretty surprised! Okay, I said, I didn't know that's what he had wanted, and in all honesty, I didn't know everyone's names, so introducing him would have meant introducing myself first and learning their name (I have a pretty big family). He seemed better after that, but from that point, we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend!

I was still pretty unsure how to handle it, but I was happy. A smart, funny, attractive guy willing to date me? I really never thought it would happen to me! It felt good. It might have felt really good, had our together time begun to drop right around that point. I thought maybe he was beginning to regret it. Regret me. I could understand that. I'm no catch. Work was also getting far more stressful. The business moved into a much larger space, and as such, I didn't see him every day anymore. Not to mention, as time went on, our plans fell through more and more.

I tried to talk myself out of thinking the worst. He had been under stress with the divorce (I also found out it hadn't been as long as I thought since the separation), and he admitted to having issues with depression. As someone who has suffered from depression I gave as much room as I could while remaining supportive. I was concerned I had been too clingy, or not there for him when he needed me. I tried not to feel bad when we made plans, but then he didn't feel well enough to follow through. I had previously turned people down when invited out to do things since I had plans with C*** , but as time went on, I began double-booking myself, almost. He was in touch less and less, and finally one night when he didn't show up, I texted that I would come over to his place if he didn't show up.

I arrived at his place to find him livid. Why did I go there? Didn't I know he wanted to be alone? He reeked of pot. I never liked that he smoked pot, but figured it was none of my business. I let it slide. Much like all the times he stood me up. Tonight I had really wanted to see him, and frustrated, I had let him know if he didn't show, I would stop by his place. He wasn't impressed.

“I told you if you didn't show up I would come here so you can't be surprised. It feels like you've been avoiding me.” I'll admit I was shaky. How could someone change so much? I could understand if he just didn't want to see me anymore. At least say as much, but making plans repeatedly only to break them confused me. Didn't people keep their word?

He was pissed. I didn't know what to do. It was over. So over.

It got worse.

I wasn't the only one he was seeing at the time. I found out months later. Our cleaning lady at the new office was the same lady from the last building. I had liked her work and hired her on contract. We visited while I worked late and she cleaned.

“Did R**** have her baby yet?” I asked. R**** was a young woman of 19 who had been pregnant last time I visited the old offices. I wasn't expecting the answer.

“Yes, and C*** finally admitted to being the father!”

You could have knocked me over with a strong breath. She was pregnant when C*** and I were together. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit. I wanted to die. So it's true after all. I'm not worth anything to anyone.

I worked hard to get over it. Time does wonders, but that sting of being cheated on stays with you. It's worse than never finding anyone. It's worse because you weren't enough, no matter what you gave. Someone was interested, and then didn't like what they saw. It validates every negative thing you ever thought of yourself because for once, you tried.

It gets worse.

I had had R**** as a friend on a social networking site. I had accepted her request because she was a young woman I was trying to be a good role model for, but instead I saw the happy photos of her and her baby. Of C*** .

I deleted her.

She messaged me. Why did I delete her?

I took a deep breath, and I told the truth. I wished her the best. I cried.

I'm not sure what's happened with her or him since. I know he lost his job because of it. The cleaner told me. He was a youth worker, and surprise surprise, she had been one of the youth at the centre. It made me feel sick.

I know at one point after those emails they broke up. She told me so in an email. She said they had been together for two years, so really, he cheated on her with me. I was the other woman. Which is weird. Does that make it better? Worse? It feels worse.

In the email where she asked why I deleted her, and I told the truth, she seemed very bitter (who wouldn't be?). I had told her that C*** should be the one she should be talking to. A following email told me they had broken up and I could have him back if I wanted. I told her I wished her and her baby the best, but not a chance in hell.

Last I heard they were together again.

And me? I sit here, with memories that needle me at inopportune times. It hits me again when I meet someone I like, or try to flirt, or chat with a really great guy. It makes me doubt everyone, and most of all, myself. It reminds me that I'll never be good enough, so why try at all...

Just One of the Guys (Part 2)

I’ve been trying to be more pro-active in all areas of my life.

The other night I decided I was going to drum up some liquid courage, and go back to the bar and try and talk to the Bartender. Two of my friends who are very aware of my ineptness came along, and we discovered the place was boring, and the Bartender wasn’t there. So we left and went to another bar. It was also dead, but I decided I would just have a beer then go home. My friend’s agreed.

Then “8-years-older than me guy” showed up. We hadn’t seen each other since a mutual friend’s fundraising event, and we hadn’t really been able to talk then. Oh, and talk we did.

I don’t know what it is with this guy and me, but we can’t seem to do simple conversations. The first time I met him I think we talked about our life goals, and he talked me into considering law school. Which I did. The last time we had talked, we discussed my parental issues, and he on his lack of ability with long term relationships. Seriously, we talk. This time, even with my new awesomer job, he chastised me for putting off law school, and we discussed his regret over losing the love of his life. Not exactly light fare for just running into each other and havin’ a beer stuff.

I guess as we talked intently my other friend’s took off, and his just went about doing whatever around us. At one point we moved tables, and the bar closed, but I don’t remember that. The next thing I knew was it was almost three in the morning, and I decided I had to walk home.

I remember he went to do something, and I used the time to sneak out otherwise I think we would have talked even longer. I used the 45 minute walk home to think about it.

He’s practically my perfect guy, except for the fact that he only sees me as one of the guys. We don’t see each other that often, (and something I am told often by other guys is that if a guy wants to see you, he’ll make time to see you), and with this dude, we more so just randomly run into each other. Another thing is, he always makes a comment on me being 8 years younger than him, which I wonder if that means he regrets I’m too young for him to date? But he’s currently dating someone, and she is (from my guess) a couple of years younger than me. So I don’t know what to think about him.

To be honest, I probably shouldn’t think about him at all. Too random. Too intense. Too… frustrating. He’s practically a summary of all my interactions with men. He’s good looking, smart, funny, interesting and outgoing. He thinks of me as one of the guys. When did this become a bad thing?

Woo.

Just One of the Guys (Part 1)

Ever since I was a kid I’ve been a tomboy. I did sports, cut my hair short, and preferred talking to guys over girls. Girls seemed catty and weird to me, and for a long time I was convinced I should have been born the opposite sex.

Puberty was a rough time for me. I developed everywhere I didn’t want to, and lost my guy friends because now I was obviously a girl. And it’s awkward playing touch football when you’re afraid of hurting the girl, or touching her girl parts. At least, that’s what it seemed like. Most of the guy’s had seen me as an equal for so long, it was weird when I was no longer just ‘one of the guys’.

So I lost the vast majority of my friends. What I had left was the few girls I spent time with. They also proceeded to get weirder as we aged. All of a sudden it was all about boys, dating, and makeup. Making hot guys like you was all that seemed to float around in their vapid heads, and as a result, I didn’t like spending time with them. But as any outcast can tell you, that gets lonely and awkward.

Fast forward many years. In my 20s, I noticed that things slowly began to balance out, and guys were willing to be my friends again with out all of the sexual weirdness. Or maybe it was still there, I just didn’t see it. At any rate, I had also made some decent female friends, provided we had some things in common. Things were looking up. Well, sort of.

You know that whole “teenage period of figuring out how to talk to the opposite sex, show you’re interested, date and have functioning relationships” thing? Well I never really learned that. I am still quite out of the loop. When everyone else was getting hot and heavy I was, for the most part, asexual. I didn’t care about dating, I just was pissed off my buddies were chasing tail instead of sports. And the girls were learning their way through all those mind game things that to this day I have no understanding of. Part of me hates that those seem to be tools in everyone else’s dating arsenal, but then another part of me regrets never having learned it.

Last weekend I went to a theme party a friend threw in a local pub. We had a private room with our own bartender. Pretty snazzy, yes. I was dressed quite nicely, with makeup and hair done. And apparently the bartender was hitting on me.

Apparently the bartender was hitting on me to the extent that every one of my friend’s at the party was trying to inform me of such. One did the cartoonish “gesturing towards him with her eyes” that I blatantly remarked, “What’s up with your eyes?” Not obvious enough? Another friend of mine tried walking me over to the bartender while saying loudly, “He. Likes. You.”

I waved it off somehow babbling about how that was not the case, he was just a good bartender. I think I said something else about how he must have sensed I was once a bartender, and there was a “Bartender’s Code”. I can’t quite remember what I said because I was rather drunk of the free wine the bartender was giving me all night. Yep.

*sigh*

So now I am reflecting, because I wonder a lot about how come no one wants to date me, and then things like that happen. I excel at realizing much later that something could have happened, but from the safety of my apartment, much later. That night, I waved away the general consensus of my friend’s because, quite honestly, I was afraid. See, I don’t know what to do when a guy shows interest in me. I don’t have the experience to draw on. I’ve never been asked out, and that was part of what I was thinking when talking to the bartender. Sure, he may seem interested, but unless he pulls me aside, and asks me out, I disagree that he was interested.

Does that sound like too much to ask for? My friend’s argue that his flirting was a way to see how interested *I* was, and since I didn’t flirt back he figured I was not interested. Then I get frustrated because I really have no clue how to flirt. I panic. I don’t look guys in the eye when I like them. I hide. I wind up not going back to that bar in case I run into that guy again. I wish I knew why I was so paralyzed by it, but I am.

Moving On, Moving Up

So... lately my life has been a HUGE explosion of crazy. In summary, I have decided to get over the last guy I was absolutely blind over. I sent him a text late one night seeing if he wanted to get an impromptu drink. It had been a while since I texted him, figuring he could use some time or whatever. He asked who was texting.

So after feeling like an idiot, I told him it was me, said “Forget about it.”, and deleted him from my phone, facebook, and email. Enough is enough. Bah.

Then, of course, is the self-pity parade I usually throw myself. But not this time. Instead I went, “Wait. Why?” Deep down, I knew he wasn’t right for me. I was mostly mad at the fact that I felt I had no romantic options whatsoever, so I projected hard onto this guy, who didn’t want me. Or if he did, he didn’t want me enough.

Some mutual friends (including his best friend) had told me "he’s shy, doesn’t know how to date, and he’s really into me" had me going for a while, but now that I am learning how to move forward, I expect that much from a guy in my life. No effort? Well, then I am now working at moving on. Oh, and then there are the oh-so-helpful friends who bluntly state it was “dead to begin with”, but even then I have to look at that optimistically. In the past, I would never have allowed anyone to know who I liked, never mind ask what they thought. And hearing their (albeit negative) opinion let’s me know I was on the wrong path. When I do date someone, it will because we feel right together, and we’ll know it.

After sitting down and thinking about it a while longer, I came to some solid footing. Even in my smitten haze, I knew there were things about him I had problems with. Things I made myself overlook, but now glared at me like reminders of just how much I will ignore to feel a connection with someone. For instance, he wasn’t that smart. Now usually that’s a HUGE turnoff for me. I had allowed getting to know him over time blind me to the fact that on average, he didn’t get the majority of my jokes or references. Ouch. Also, he talked rather slow. I think this links straight to not being so quick on the uptake. Perhaps now I am being too harsh? Well, friends had told me they didn’t feel he was the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I must admit, that pissed me off at the time so I had over-compensated it with “He’s shy”.

That’s another thing, though. He wasn’t outgoing at all. He was quite happy to sit home or at a friend’s playing video games day in and day out. I don’t mind that from time to time (in fact I find it romantic spending a night in), but he had no real social persona, nor inclination towards one that I ever saw. This was another blow since I am rather outgoing and am constantly busy. Add this to a complete lack of ambition, and I wonder how I managed to overlook something I find to be super important. Lately in my life I have begun to reaffirm my life goals, and take action. I went for the bigger and better job, and am making plans for my future. He once told me if he lost his job, he would “go on EI and wait for them to hire him back”. Solid plan there, mate. Add this to the new, ambitious and educated people I have been meeting lately now that I am back in the city, and Dreamboat’s ship begins to sink.

So I find myself in the familiar position of “Being Alone”, but now I am here without even the fantasy of a crush to look forward to. And in the light of setting goals, I think that should be on my list. Finding a Crush-Worthy Crush. It’s a start. :)