I Missed the First Round…

I’m going to be 34 soon.   In just over a month.  I think I’m alright with my age.  Nothing I can do to change it anyways.  I’m often mistaken for much younger, which I suppose is a good thing, though a lot of my friends are older than me. I just wish I was further ahead, or near where I think someone of my age should be.  I wish I knew better what that actually meant.  Maybe then I could make some moves towards it.

When I was finishing high school I moved into a house of University students, and I’m still friends with a good number of them.  As they were almost done Uni, they’re on average five years older than me.  When I worked at a dinner theatre, the people I got along with were about ten years older.  It’s funny.  I don’t think I’m particularly mature for my age.

I partially bring it up because when I have a birthday, there is something a bit of lackluster to them.  Any big milestone, my friends have already hit.  I remember turning 25 and going, “Wow”, but it wasn’t considered anything by my friends who were dealing with hitting 30. And yep, when I hit 30, they were thinking about how much closer to 40 they are.

My one friend, the Stunt Guy, is almost ten years older than me to the day.  We’ve often celebrated together, but I do get some weird looks from other people when they find out he’s ten years older than me, and one of my best friends.  Apparently, it’s an issue for people? At any rate, his last few birthdays he’s been more and more morose.  He’s been in an excruciatingly long divorce (five years), and I know as time goes on he’s worried he will never find someone to settle down and have kids with.  He’s worried he’s running out of time.  It’s weird, but for all the women I hear that complain men don’t want to settle down, I know quite a few.

As time goes on I keep hearing about more and more divorces.  It’s discouraging. The cynic in me pounces on this information, though. “See? It doesn’t work out for anyone.  Why should you be happy? You don’t deserve it.  Those people deserved it more, and it didn’t work out for them.” Everyone has a story, and they’re not all happy endings.

Not be completely depressing, I do see the odd successful relationship, too.  And these friends are good enough not to hide the fact that they have ups and downs, and work very hard at their relationship.  I always find it fascinating when we’re out for dinner or having a backyard fire and maybe they disagree, and I see them actively work through their disagreement.  I think it’s very healthy, and reminds me if I meet someone I want to be with, I have a lot for things to work on since I am such a creature of habit who has carved out a very independent (some would say solitary) life.  I know I’m not good with compromise (I’m quite selfish, and I see that), since I have not had to consider someone else in a very long time, and I have not had much experience learning how to be in a relationship.  I missed crucial learning stages in my teens and 20s.

There’s this scene in “Northern Exposure” I remember from watching as a youth that has resonated with me more and more as I get older.

Maggie: I never meet anybody. And even if I do, it's never someone I'd even conceive of having a relationship with. Why is it all the good guys are taken, Ed?
Ed: Well…
Maggie: It's 'cause I missed the first round. That's it. I mean, these things are cyclical. All the men I'd ever be interested in are already married. So I guess I'll just have to be patient, wait for the divorces.

Speaking of age differences I remember one time, having some drinks post-bar with some people, the subject of ages had come up.  I was standing next to this one guy I ran into every now and then.  We would drink and talk well into the morning about nothing and everything.  We seriously know things about each other no one else does, but he would become stand offish from time to time, like he was torn between telling me everything, and telling me nothing.  We met when he was dating a friend of mine, so I considered him off-limits.  That stuck with me pretty hard even after they had broken up.

His friend asked how old I was.  I think I was 27 or 28 at the time, and the friend was near my age, but it turned out the guy I was close to was about 8 years older than me.  I remember him pausing, and thinking hard about that.  He repeated it almost reluctantly, “So… you’re eight years younger than me…”, as he stared into the distance.  I had furrowed my brow, and remember wondering if he figured I was too young for him, which I didn’t think made much sense since his buddy had just said he was my age.  I think that’s when it first popped into my head he figured I was too young to date.  Yes, this is the same guy who later dated someone younger than me, so I don’t know what to think of his logic anymore.

I probably misread the situation.  It seems I rather misread him.  It really sucks because I miss our talks.  I miss him.  Add that to he never really sought me out.  I mean, when we ran into each other, we were inseparable, but I think that scared him a bit.  I know I am terrified of situations where people get to know me too well (trust issues and all that).  His are a bit different, though.  He desperately wants to be loved.  So much that I think he’s built it up to epic proportions in his head he or someone else can never live up to them.  It’s sad to see.

____

How serendipitous; I just read an interesting article about the perception of unavailability.  It rather puts me and 8-years-older-than-me guy, and even Married Tattooed Guy in perspective.  How much in perspective?  I am truly acknowledging that Tattooed Guy is married.  No grey, tantalizing, nervous-energy, emotional response area.  That can be a very enticing, and a very stupid place to be.  I know I am not a superhot babe with whom they picture themselves with upon first meeting (regardless of relationship status - everyone looks).  It’s usually after we get to know each other and share personal experiences that they give me a potential second look. I think this article helped explain to me a bit how I relate to, and how men relate to me.

It makes sense, though.  I have severe trust issues.  I am drawn to the unavailable because it’s safe in its own way.  Since it’s all in my head I can play with it all I want and never actually get hurt.  Huzzah?  If I’ve missed the first round, is this self-realization to how I relate to men how I get into the second?  Is it truly cyclical? And if so, how do I do it well?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bonnie-gleicher/how-desirable-is-unavailable-a-bachelorettes-human-experiment

Greener Grass

I’ve discovered that Guy I Swapped Numbers With But Am Afraid to Text reminds me of Shel Silverstein.  You know, that artist who wrote “Where the Sidewalk Ends”, and “The Giving Tree”?  It’s an odd connection to make, but I think it is suiting since this guy is also a writer of sorts.

I made the connection because he was lightly referenced in a little programme I’ve been watching called “The Girls Next Door”.  If you’re not familiar with it, it was a reality show about the live-in girlfriends of Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy.  I’m strangely attracted to these shows, because of how much sexuality is flaunted, and how confident these women are.  Yes, they’re practically clones (one of the ladies states she was raised in a closing lab for Hef, haha), but man do they enjoy having fun.  They laugh very easily, and are thoroughly in the moment, which is refreshing to watch.  I think I take things far too seriously most times.  I can see why men would want to be around these women.  They’re fun.  They’re sweet.  They’re also catty to each other and their hierarchy, and not often the smartest, but they’re living in a mansion and ride in private jets so I can be jealous if I want to. 

Anyways, there was about five seconds were an old photo of Shel was shown, and the beard and serious looking but smiley face made me go, “Yep. Doppelgänger.”  I think I will tell him so next time I run into him.  I think it’s a compliment, so if he knows who and what I’m talking about, huzzah.  Yep.  Already planning casual conversation in case I run into him again.  I’d find it sad if it didn’t come in so handy sometimes. 

In weird news, I recently begun to wonder about a pattern I’m seeing emerge regarding married men. Specifically, unhappily married men, and their possible attraction to me.  Considering I’m usually not very good at picking up on male interest, it’s beginning to bother me, and I’m wondering if I’m imagining it, or what am I putting out there if this is the case?

I met a tattooed friend of a friend at our regular wing night a few weeks ago.  Tattooed Guy had been staying with my Stunt Guy friend since he was dealing with marital issues.  I actually have quite a few friends dealing with separation and divorce right now.  It’s not very reassuring for someone like me who can’t date to see these commitments fall apart. Flag:  trust issues.  It’s also tough for me sometimes to really understand how they’re feeling since I have not had a long-term relationship.  So I listen, and offer what support I can. 

Well last week, while chatting away this new guy confided quite a bit to me.  I’m pretty used to it (I often have more to hear than say when it comes to relationships), but it felt very intense, and he felt really focused on me.  He mentioned how being back at his house with his wife has made him so unhappy.  I get talking to someone new can be good since they can provide a fresh take on things, but part of me is worried that he may mistake this immediate closeness and my willingness to listen as something else.  Part of me is worried I'm mistaking it for something else as well. I do find him attractive, but I’m I have no desire to be a mistress. I say this as someone who found out that her first real boyfriend experience was really her first real mistress experience.  I mentioned trust issues, right? Yeah.  I really hope it’s not a vibe I put off.  I get along with guys, I try to be friendly like I do with anyone, but I’ve noticed that men who are in unhappy relationships tend to gravitate towards me.  Stunt Guy said it’s because I listen, and don’t wrap myself up in drama.  So I’m simple and that’s attractive? Weird.

This is the second unhappily married man who has confided in me in so many months.  Two months ago I had a weird… interaction? One sided conversation?  I’m not even sure how to word it.  As an electrician, he was in town for a month for a job, and we met for drinks or dinner every now and again.  We have friends in common from University, but he had joined the army and moved away, and since then most of our mutual friends have moved away so he called me up.  It was good, until it got very intense and weird.  A few drinks in, he would say things like, “Why is my wife even with me?” Sometimes I can see when people are fishing, but it wasn’t until our last hangout that he apologized for “making things weird” and did a series of long looks and several almost started sentences that I had to cut the visit short and go home.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine who has gone through similar things, and he said some people do leave their spouses for someone else. It’s an urban myth they don’t -but it doesn’t mean they want the person.  They want a reason.  They want what that person represents.  (Back story: Someone left their spouse for him, but that wasn’t what he had wanted, and eventually both relationships ended.)

I’m pretty dense most times, but I do not want someone to use me as a reason to leave their wife, especially when it’s not me they really want.  They want what they consider easy and drama-free.  I guess someone like me who doesn’t have much relationship experience, and thus lacks that dating drama would seem less emotionally draining.

When did I become drama-free, interesting, and seductive? Wtf. How do I turn that to single guys I like?

It’s been a weird time.

How Does One Get “Asked Out”?

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

Seriously.  Tell it to me like I’m a four-year-old.  If you can break it down onto post-it notes, I’d be much obliged.  Because man, am I doing something wrong.

I get I’m not the hottest.  I do.  Empirically, I’m average.  Add to that I happen to be overweight. Okay.  Smarts-wise, I’m a bit more prepared.  I can use the word irony correctly.  But there are a lot more unattractive people, and heavier people, and people who think Alanis really nailed that song who are in long-term relationships, and I am just sitting here, knowing I use way too many commas.

Nothing really hits it home quicker or more succinctly that I am not appealing to the opposite sex than hanging out with a good-looking friend of mine.  They get hit on ALL THE TIME.  And they handle it well, because they are used to it.  “You’re beautiful! Would you like to go out some time?”  Little clouds of men form around these women.  Suddenly I’m a rejected satellite to this gorgeous Hotness Planet I came with.  I get it.  They’re attractive.  Not only that, they’re intelligent, funny, caring people.  I know because I wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t.  So am I allowed to envy this? Resent it? I try not to.

It still hurts to be around.  I’ve mastered the art of, “No worries, I’ve got to go over here and stare at this odd brick pattern anyways.”

I’ve studied enough sociology and psychology to understand why people are drawn to certain traits (seriously, I’ve written papers on it), and get if you hit on attractive people you’re eventually going to find some that are smart and nice instead of evil and shallow.  Those are some goods odds.  People are nice to attractive people, so they’re used to it.  They’re often very kind back.  True story.

Not ‘hot’ people get the shaft.  People are not as willing to give the benefit of the doubt that spending their time with you is worth the effort of finding a match.  There are other hot people to meet and maybe make that connection with.  It sucks. I know, I know… Heeeey, green grass…

I am quite lucky to have some very attractive friends.  I often use the line that attractive people attract attractive people (ha ha), and it can be a bit of a bubble.  I seem to have subverted it by working in bars for years (hired for skill, not looks), and being witty enough to make it past my below average veneer.  As a result, I find myself from time to time wondering what I am doing faking it around these people who may accept me for some reasons, but will never date me.

Am I shallow for wanting the hot people to want to date me? Yes.  I am shallow.  Deep down I am very shallow (ha ha).  I want to be attracted to whom I date, but I also find some people get less attractive when they have a bad personality.  I find they are more attractive when they are insightful, intelligent, and funny.  I’m often told this, too.  People seem to be more attracted to me the more they talk with me, and so on, but it never leads to dating.  It’s frustrating.

Simply put, I don’t get asked out.  I get invited to things, but it’s not the same.  And it often reminds me that I am not the same.  I can ignore it most of the time.  It only really stings when people literally stop us on the street to talk to my friend, or I get a, “Oh, you too” invite when sitting next to my friend.

I think I’m pretty quick witted (I am told this enough that I am inclined to believe it), funny to be around, am involved in things, and try to engage honestly with people.  I’m not the worst, just not the best.  Average is what it is, but there are many, many average people out there with successful dating lives.

I know I’m not the most confident, but I have really worked at breaking out of this the past year.  After a heavy funk and depression, I am focusing on being happier and more balanced.  I just keep coming back to this huge area of my life that no development or real progress has been made.  I’ve been trying to talk more, flirt more, and ask guys to do things.  This was like pulling teeth, but I’ve been working at it.  It just hasn’t been panning out.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve selected carefully my ‘object’ of affection (of the moment), but the whole “if he is interested, he’ll ask you out” does hang over my head quite a bit.

I ran into the guy with whom I swapped numbers with the other day.  Maybe that’s why this came up again.  It was in a gas station.  One I pretty much never stop at, but did that day.  His smile was big and genuine, so I got a little thump in my chest, and kind of missed what I was saying in walking to the counter to pay.  Picturing music, and clever banter, and an invite for coffee?  Ha. 

At the till was another friend I had not seen in a very long time.  Cue catch up session with him all through my transaction, and walk back to my car.  I think phone number guy gave a quick wave as we left, but yeah.  Friendship was a blocker that day.  Don’t get me wrong, I in no way begrudge my long-time friend I had run into, it’s just one of those “Of course it would happen this way. You’re you, Friday.  Don’t forget.” kind of moments.

I hugged my long-time friend goodbye when we reached our cars, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t felt a pang of regret and irritancy.  I wish I was a better person sometimes. 

The Male of the Species Is More ___ Than the Female

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

Back to the male side of relationship things, I guess I can elaborate a bit more about the shy guy who may have hit on me.  I was with a friend, and she’s about as clueless as I am, and it wasn’t until he wandered away that she mentioned he may have been interested in me. I’ll explain.

I went to a local comic event, and was wearing a Star Trek costume. Just the Uhura red dress, nothing intense like some of the awesome costumes I saw.  I love comics and nerdy/ geeky stuff like that, but I don’t see them as nerdy/ geeky, I see them as interesting and creative.  New worlds you create in your mind!  Ha, maybe that’s why I like them so much. :)  Anyways, this guy comes up to me and my friend and gestures to his camera phone asking if I would take a picture.  Keep in mind, we were by the photo area, and there were some celebrities nearby, so I thought he wanted me to use his phone to maybe take a photo of him and a celebrity.  Turns out he was asking to take a photo of me in my uniform.

I’m fairly insecure about my body, but I did dress up and go to a public place, so I nervously smiled and got the photo done.  He stood there a bit longer and made some small talk about how he debated on dressing up.  As he was wearing a Batman shirt, I commented something non-smooth about I almost wore the same shirt but changed my mind last minute.  We joked he could maybe label himself #1 Batman fan, but people may just try and fight him for the title. 

After he left it, that’s when my friend made the observation.  She said she probably needed to work on her wingman skills, but I noted both he and I seemed pretty awkward at small talk, so it may not have helped.  I was a bit optimistic to see him somewhere else, though.  I mean, he’s obviously into the same kind of things I am, which is good. I often find after talking to guys I find attractive (though few and far between), that the nerdy, smart ones are the most interesting.  I’m going to let myself feel good about this, even though it makes me nervous.

Along those lines, I met a guy a couple of months ago I have to admit I have been very drawn to.  I’m not used to that.  Light crushes, yes.  I’m pretty good a quashing my feelings because they only lead to disappointment and embarrassment, but this guy seemed genuinely kind and smart, and I had a great time talking with him.  Wine may have helped.

A few weeks later I ran into him again, and fortified by probably beer and a great night so far, I chatted with him again and we swapped numbers.  I seriously never do that, but we had talked about some events coming up we were both interested in.  I was pretty excited but also constantly reminding myself that he probably just wanted some people with mutual interests to go to these things with.  I get that. I’m no prize looks wise, so I’m often not considered datable material by guys when they meet me.  Regardless I was excited at the prospect just to talk with him again. 

It took me a lot to get up the nerve (so much I can’t believe I did it), but I summoned resolve from somewhere to ask if he would be interested in seeing a play that weekend.  I gave him lots of time to respond, but I have to admit, when I didn’t get a response that first day or two it really bothered me. Why did I even bother? All those negative thoughts you have about yourself are made concrete when someone won’t even respond.  But then I got a reply.  He would be out of town, regretted he couldn’t make it, and rain check? 

I have to admit I am still unsure how to feel.  I didn’t respond. I felt stupid, and needy, and stupid some more.  I still want to see him, but I don’t know how I’ll react. Part of me thinks I’ll act like nothing happened, or that it didn’t mean anything, but it did.  Not just because he’s the first guy in a really long time I’ve actually talked to, but because I went out on a bit of a limb.  It’s not that it’s totally unfamiliar territory, it’s more that whenever I do, the guy turns out to not be interested.  Yes, he said “rain check”, but that could also just be a way to soften to blow of no.

I’ve heard time and time again from my platonic guy friends that if a guy is interested, he’ll make sure you know, and I spend a lot of my time in this made-up in-between world, fantasizing that they’re interested, or building up the courage to ask me out, or whatever.  It’s happened pretty regularly for me.  Meet a guy, get a crush, think maybe they’re interested, and find out a few days later they’re seeing someone, or that they’ve met someone since meeting me. Someone they go for.

One of the most recent gut-punches was a poet I met who joked one night after someone gave him a stage kiss that he could really go for one again, and looked directly at me.  A few weeks later he asked me to take a photo of him. I happily complied, and as I did he mentioned how he wanted his new girlfriend to see the picture since she couldn’t make it to the show. Ouch. Message received. 

It was a nice photo.  It was his profile picture for a long time.  Now it’s him and his girlfriend. 

I guess that’s sort of my reasoning for feeling like maybe the Batman guy just wanted a pic of the costume.  Nerds at a nerd event. Nothing more.  Damn, I really didn’t mean to talk myself out of a hopeful feeling.

When Do You Know to Say No to a Friend?

It's been a while since I posted, so these are some posts that I just hadn't gotten around to posting. Woo. :)

I’m tired of trying to explain myself to people who don't care.  What is part of the problem is they don’t see how they’re often part of the problem.  Especially when they ask why I act a certain way, or whatever, and then don’t understand even after I explain it. So I say, “Never mind.”, and I get to live with the uncomfortable feelings, the stress, the gut-gnawing anxiety.

I’m also often in a position where I’m the one people come to about issues with other people.  I have this one long-time friend.  We’ve worked together, and I’ve often bent over backwards to help her because I know what it’s like to try and make something of nothing, but these past couple of years I’ve been feeling really taken advantage of.  Today I just found out that if I stand up for myself and say what is bothering me, she waves it off and already had someone else to help her, she just wanted to see if I would help first. What? What kind of logic is that?

It makes me very tired.  And many events coming up include her, so I can’t just avoid it or her. I’m finding even thinking of her or these upcoming events drain me, and I have no interest or passion for it since it means I’ll be dealing with these feelings, and running interference for the several other people who can’t work with her.  I try to keep an open mind and see both sides, but after these years of mediating, maybe I need to accept that she is just really difficult and not misunderstood.  Maybe I need to stand back and not kill myself trying to help someone who doesn’t seem to understand.  Am I a bad person if I stop trying to help?  Maybe I’ve been impeding all these years by smoothing things over when she and others really needed to learn how to get along and work with each other?

I don’t know. I just know it’s making me sick and angry, and I don’t want someone else and what they do or say to me to control me like that. I just wish I was more confident in doing things for me and standing up for myself.  Why when I am challenged do I buckle so quickly and take the easy way out, even though it’s harder on me in the long run? Okay. Enough self pity.

In kind of positive news, I think a guy tried to hit on me this weekend. It was awkward, but then it occurred to me this could be a shy guy trying to flirt. Who knew?  I think I’m going to try and be better aware of these things.  I don’t know how yet, but it’s kind of a start. A half start? Maybe. I’m noticing a lot of these issues I have are directly related to my confidence (or lack thereof), and my social anxiety. I am not good at confrontation.