Bro'ed In is the New Friend Zone

I got bro'ed in again.

I guess another term for it is "friend zoned', though I've noticed most women tend to hate that term and say it doesn't exist.  If it doesn’t exist then why do I feel like I was just friend zoned?

I don’t mean I just met someone and since I'm nice to them I expect sex/ dating to be the end result. I mean, I literally met him on a dating site, we've been out together a few times. He even built me a picnic table. And yet we're only 'friends'. I got friend zoned on a dating site.

He told me about a crush he has on a bartender at a pub we went to. Before we went in. On the way to bar he told me. And she was working. He flirted. I sat there. I felt horrible. I should have known better. I should have been prepared.

To be fair, before we met we both talked about our apprehension about online dating, and agreed to a non-date date. We went for a walk around the river. We walked for several hours, and around 7.5 km. Then we sat on the back on his truck and talked for another hour or so until it was quite late. We agreed to meet again. We had so much to talk about! So much in common, experience-wise even though we came from pretty different backgrounds. It was nice. It wasn’t stilted. He was cute. He was kind. He didn’t end things early. I let myself hope.

On this first "non-date" (that should have been a warning sign), I told him I wanted to get a picnic table for my yard. He offered to build it! So the second date/ non-date we went to a hardware store (which we both love). Then I offered to buy him lunch for helping me, so we went to a Mexican restaurant, and somehow even came across a mini-fair and he nailed the bell on the hammer game! I cheered for him and it felt surreal that we sort of had three-mini dates on the one! Well… non-date.

The third time, I got up early (for me) on a Saturday, and we hauled the wood I had spent the week staining to his place where he has a workshop. We spent the day in his workshop building and measuring (me mostly staying out of the way), listening to his music, and talking. It felt nice. Comfortable. We broke for lunch when we had to grab a bit more wood (I changed my mind on the bench width and he graciously accommodated). His mom was apparently a bit peeved he was working on a project for me instead of her deck. I could tell it bothered him that his family demands so much of him. I felt regretful I was taking up his time.

"Don't be. I do things for people I like! You're practically family now and I love my family!" he reassured me. I felt my heart lift. I ignored the "love" part because I was sure I had misunderstood.  Maybe he just meant he feels obligated to do things for his family and he puts up with it out of love, so helping me is not a big deal. But still it made me feel closer to him. A guy was happy to help me out. I'm not used to kindness.

It kind of hurt to write that down. To say it out loud. But it's true. I'm not the kind of girl guys go out of their way to help. I remember every instance a guy has bought me a drink in a bar because it’s been twice in my life and one of those was a friend’s boyfriend getting me a pity drink and being utterly surprised when I tried to pay him back. The second time I was so dumbfounded I bought the guy a drink back and he sort of went “huh”, and never did it again.

We finished the table and benches and hauled them back to my place. We were joking, and proud of doing such a big project in one day. Then we agreed to meet up with my roommate to go for dinner and some celebratory beer! I asked him to pick the place. I felt good. It all felt really good. We worked well together. Maybe next time would be a real date.

We joked on our way. I asked what was good on the menu.

He recounted his favourite things, and that he goes there regularly. And that it doesn't hurt they hired a new waitress because she was hot, and then he began to recount how he's tried to look good for her because he wanted to date her.

It felt like my heart dropped out for a moment.

He went on about a little story about how he had tried to impress her. I found myself kind of hollow laughing back. "Ha ha, yeah." I echoed, as my body numbed.

I was bro'ed in again. Already. Perhaps from the beginning.

I had told him when we first started talking that I realized I wasn't the ideal. I thought him a kindred spirit because his profile had said much the same. But it was his picture of him smiling up at the sun that had made me message. I had been about to delete my profile when he responded. We had good talks. Long talks. We would thoroughly go over our day, and appreciated how each added to the conversation.

He noted he wanted to take things slow. I agreed. I was not good at dating, and liked the idea of seeing if we could be friends first.

I can't even remember the first time I was bro'ed in. It's just something that seems to happen.  Guys don't see me as dating material. I'm always too loud. Or too intense. I've heard a lot that I'm intimidating. I've attempted to speak softer. Watch what I say. Be more demure. Be interested in him. Then I've been fed up with that, and gone back to being myself.  It still happens the same. "So there’s this chick-". They'll talk about a hot girl they saw. Or they'll tell me about their dating and how hard it is to find someone.

I got out of his truck and we walked in. She was working. He smiled. He joked. He pulled his weight as a regular to get us a giant pitcher of beer from her. I sat. I ate. I paid.

It was the last thank you meal for him helping me out. I offered to take him for beers and food. You know. Like a good bro would.