My commitment issues are keeping me from a relationship. Not
because I don’t want to commit, but because the guy I am seeing is worried I
will lose interest and leave him. But isn’t that the reality of any
relationship? I was happy to meet someone awesome and love that we are able to
be so open with our thoughts. But I feel like my honestly is costing me. Yes, I have commitment issues. But the fact
that I was to try for the first time in… forever, should also have some
weight. We met online and both expected
things just to be casual. But then we
got along so well we began making more time for each other, and now… I’m trying
not to make him my be all and end all. I’m
trying to keep it light, because I am afraid of being hurt. I know he is as
well, but keeping it open and non-serious makes me feel we’re not giving it a
real chance. Yes we said one thing going in, but if I'm feeling more, I want to
try. I would like for us to agree to
each other. We tried for a few days but
then he said he didn’t know if he could commit to someone who has such deeply
embedded issues, and I understood. But
now I feel like I’m settling for a half relationship, and I’m ready for a full
one.
Perhaps he’s not the one after all. Perhaps he’s right about me.
In the spirit of outright honesty, we met on a hookup
site. I messaged him, and after a few
messages, we met. I’m a large girl so I
was worried he wouldn’t like me. He would be repulsed or something (I do not
have a good body image), but he liked it.
True, he did put seeking a BBW, and I owned that when I responded, but
you never know. I’m not a lot of people’s
cup of tea. But he liked pretty much
everything about me. I owned up to why I was seeking casual: I’ve got
commitment issues but wanted to date. He
said he understood. He’s got a daughter
who stays with him weekends, and has a very busy job and felt it would be unfair
to try and have a regular relationship.
It got pretty serious pretty fast (wow, someone likes me!), and now that we’ve pumped
the breaks, I’m finding I would be happy with just him. Am I just glomming on because he's the first guy in so long to show interest? There’s a different guy with whom I spend
time with on and off and when I hung out with him the other weekend I did feel
I was being unfaithful to the new guy, even though he had once again made it
clear we weren’t a couple. He still has
an ad up online, so I look at it from time to time to remind myself he’s not
completely committed, so I shouldn’t fall for him. I have an online profile that I reactivated,
and met a guy for drinks last night. We
didn’t click in anyway, and it just made me miss my guy so much. So I reminded myself by looking at his ad. He
wants something else.
I am not the one after all.
I was right about me.
No comments:
Post a Comment