Evaluations

So lately I’ve been reading a few self-help books, and decided it was time to start focusing on improving some areas in my life. I want a stable job since my current one is term, and have begun redoing my resume and sending out applications. Woo me! :) I’ve also begun looking into gyms because I am not feeling at fit as I want to be, and am tired of complaining about it. Double woo! Since moving back to the city I have been going out every weekend, getting back into touch with old friends, and saying yes to pretty much every event I’ve been invited too. Triple word score!

I have still not been asked out.

*sigh* This really shouldn’t get to me, but it does. These last three months I have gotten dolled up and gone out, and met new people, and sparkled at social events, and met a bevy of interesting (and even single!) men… and nothing.

Let’s put it this way, I have a bunch of new facebook friends, but they are all women.

I just want to give up some days, you know? But all the books I am reading tell me that focusing on the negative only makes you go in that direction. Like begets like, and so on. I must admit, when I was in super self pity mode last year, stuck in a small town with my family I was pretty angry and enjoying my pity party so much I heavily disagreed with such practical advice. More than one book sailed across my room to my refrains of “Stupid book! What do you know?!?!” and the ever eloquent “Pft!”

After re-evaluating some things in my life I am in the “try everything” stage. If I am asked to do something, I say yes (unless I have another commitment). Lately, I’ve been to more birthday parties, book launches, wine and cheeses, rock bars, dance bars, piano bars and late night movie screenings than you can shake a day planner at. Until last night.

A group of girls from my dance group were going out to a hip bar where it was a 50s and 60s theme night, and after much debating and lethargy, I instead settled in with a bottle of wine and a couple of my favourite episodes of Sex and the City. Today I saw the pics they posted, and how much fun they had, but an odd feeling was hanging with me. The feeling of how I usually feel after partying. I get all dressed up, with such hope, wear some cute shoes and a new dress I made myself buy, do my hair and makeup, hit the town and… watch my friends get hit on.

So this morning, looking at the photos I still had that echo of “must be nice” breezing through me. I know, I know, I could have gone out with them, put it all behind me, or push it down and just enjoy myself, but it always surfaces. That feeling of being singled out, or alone even in a crowd. I’ve worked very hard lately not to throw pity parties, but I think I just felt so tired. Tired of doing it so often, and for what? I have great times with my friends, but I go home alone. Even if I opt for a night in, I am very alone. I have nobody, no man in my life to just “stay in” with. And as much as I’d like to think it doesn’t bug me, and as much as I want these books, and this effort not to be wasted, I find myself saddened by the half whispered thought.

So I sit.

And I sip.

And I cry.