I was reading a blog written by a woman who gets unrequited crushes all the time, and she wrote , “Jim was the last guy — and it took awhile, but I conditioned myself to stop thinking about him, even after he called me up again, out-of-the-blue, casually mentioning that “maybe” we’d see each other one day soon.
Oh, how delightfully vague!”
I nodded, and then it hit me – I do the exact same thing. I try not to build things up in my head, but I do. I have this former co-worker who I still text back and forth with, but it wasn’t until after I read that paragraph that it occurred to me that I look a little too forward to his random texts.
Seriously, months could pass. I decided I was not longer going to start these texts (or emails, etc. with other guys I get crushes on), so when he texted it made me so happy! I thought long and hard what to say, and how to say it casually (dear god, yes, effort goes into these), and a thought hit me. I know he never asks me out or anything (we live in separate cities), but maybe texting me is just some sort of ego boost for him. Like, maybe he was rejected by someone he really likes, so he texts me who is always excited to hear from him, and sends back clever, flirty little updates. I realize that part of why I like texting him is because it’s safe and from a distance, but thinking that he may just think of me as that desperate chick who pumps him up leaves a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach. Mostly because, looking back, this is how most of my relationships with men has been for quite some time now.
I have a good section of friends and acquaintances. If I go out, I often run into many people (i.e. guys) I know, who say “Hey!”, do the catch up/ joke with thing, etc. But even when the guys are single, they never ask me out. They do talk about how being single sucks, how another friend got married, how they would like to meet the right girl or whatever. What’s weird is sometimes I even think they’re kind of flirting with me, but I’m never asked out, and before I know it, they’re dating someone new, beautiful and “awesome!” I know this, because the next time they see me, they are only too happy to tell me so. This hurts especially hard when I have been interested in the guy. And, yes, it happens. Of course, they’re pumped because they found someone, and want to share it, but maybe I am tired of hearing it? It happens to me a lot.
Maybe because when they’re single, they feel they have someone to commiserate with, and when they’re finally in a couple, they want to show it off. I hear from both men and women the problems with dating, their last gf/bf, how they’ll never find anyone again, and then inevitably how the new person in their life is just so perfect. So I get to be this sounding board, because I can’t really relate back to the whole dating thing, since I am apparently so undateable.
And of course, I get severe crushes on some of these people. Of the three last guys, I have finally gotten over one because he was *so* obviously into my friend, and not me. This happens all the time. But this time it sort of hit me, and I "got over it". It was as though the "like" switch was turned off. I wish it was always so simple.
Usually I feel rather bitter, and dwell. Like on the Theatre Manager Guy. He pretty much has a girlfriend (I say "pretty much" since he's never said it to me, but you know when their page is spammed with little hearts and kisses and they don't remove them), and I don't want to be some sort of relationship interfering tart. Not that there was really a chance, but in my head I decided no, I'm just not like that.
Lastly, there is this guy who I have been quite in love with all unrequited like for the past few years. Yep. Years. And there was a time when I thought that maybe... maybe something could happen...
I'm still very single. *sigh*
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