I’ve been trying to be more pro-active in all areas of my life.
The other night I decided I was going to drum up some liquid courage, and go back to the bar and try and talk to the Bartender. Two of my friends who are very aware of my ineptness came along, and we discovered the place was boring, and the Bartender wasn’t there. So we left and went to another bar. It was also dead, but I decided I would just have a beer then go home. My friend’s agreed.
Then “8-years-older than me guy” showed up. We hadn’t seen each other since a mutual friend’s fundraising event, and we hadn’t really been able to talk then. Oh, and talk we did.
I don’t know what it is with this guy and me, but we can’t seem to do simple conversations. The first time I met him I think we talked about our life goals, and he talked me into considering law school. Which I did. The last time we had talked, we discussed my parental issues, and he on his lack of ability with long term relationships. Seriously, we talk. This time, even with my new awesomer job, he chastised me for putting off law school, and we discussed his regret over losing the love of his life. Not exactly light fare for just running into each other and havin’ a beer stuff.
I guess as we talked intently my other friend’s took off, and his just went about doing whatever around us. At one point we moved tables, and the bar closed, but I don’t remember that. The next thing I knew was it was almost three in the morning, and I decided I had to walk home.
I remember he went to do something, and I used the time to sneak out otherwise I think we would have talked even longer. I used the 45 minute walk home to think about it.
He’s practically my perfect guy, except for the fact that he only sees me as one of the guys. We don’t see each other that often, (and something I am told often by other guys is that if a guy wants to see you, he’ll make time to see you), and with this dude, we more so just randomly run into each other. Another thing is, he always makes a comment on me being 8 years younger than him, which I wonder if that means he regrets I’m too young for him to date? But he’s currently dating someone, and she is (from my guess) a couple of years younger than me. So I don’t know what to think about him.
To be honest, I probably shouldn’t think about him at all. Too random. Too intense. Too… frustrating. He’s practically a summary of all my interactions with men. He’s good looking, smart, funny, interesting and outgoing. He thinks of me as one of the guys. When did this become a bad thing?
Woo.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Just One of the Guys (Part 1)
Ever since I was a kid I’ve been a tomboy. I did sports, cut my hair short, and preferred talking to guys over girls. Girls seemed catty and weird to me, and for a long time I was convinced I should have been born the opposite sex.
Puberty was a rough time for me. I developed everywhere I didn’t want to, and lost my guy friends because now I was obviously a girl. And it’s awkward playing touch football when you’re afraid of hurting the girl, or touching her girl parts. At least, that’s what it seemed like. Most of the guy’s had seen me as an equal for so long, it was weird when I was no longer just ‘one of the guys’.
So I lost the vast majority of my friends. What I had left was the few girls I spent time with. They also proceeded to get weirder as we aged. All of a sudden it was all about boys, dating, and makeup. Making hot guys like you was all that seemed to float around in their vapid heads, and as a result, I didn’t like spending time with them. But as any outcast can tell you, that gets lonely and awkward.
Fast forward many years. In my 20s, I noticed that things slowly began to balance out, and guys were willing to be my friends again with out all of the sexual weirdness. Or maybe it was still there, I just didn’t see it. At any rate, I had also made some decent female friends, provided we had some things in common. Things were looking up. Well, sort of.
You know that whole “teenage period of figuring out how to talk to the opposite sex, show you’re interested, date and have functioning relationships” thing? Well I never really learned that. I am still quite out of the loop. When everyone else was getting hot and heavy I was, for the most part, asexual. I didn’t care about dating, I just was pissed off my buddies were chasing tail instead of sports. And the girls were learning their way through all those mind game things that to this day I have no understanding of. Part of me hates that those seem to be tools in everyone else’s dating arsenal, but then another part of me regrets never having learned it.
Last weekend I went to a theme party a friend threw in a local pub. We had a private room with our own bartender. Pretty snazzy, yes. I was dressed quite nicely, with makeup and hair done. And apparently the bartender was hitting on me.
Apparently the bartender was hitting on me to the extent that every one of my friend’s at the party was trying to inform me of such. One did the cartoonish “gesturing towards him with her eyes” that I blatantly remarked, “What’s up with your eyes?” Not obvious enough? Another friend of mine tried walking me over to the bartender while saying loudly, “He. Likes. You.”
I waved it off somehow babbling about how that was not the case, he was just a good bartender. I think I said something else about how he must have sensed I was once a bartender, and there was a “Bartender’s Code”. I can’t quite remember what I said because I was rather drunk of the free wine the bartender was giving me all night. Yep.
*sigh*
So now I am reflecting, because I wonder a lot about how come no one wants to date me, and then things like that happen. I excel at realizing much later that something could have happened, but from the safety of my apartment, much later. That night, I waved away the general consensus of my friend’s because, quite honestly, I was afraid. See, I don’t know what to do when a guy shows interest in me. I don’t have the experience to draw on. I’ve never been asked out, and that was part of what I was thinking when talking to the bartender. Sure, he may seem interested, but unless he pulls me aside, and asks me out, I disagree that he was interested.
Does that sound like too much to ask for? My friend’s argue that his flirting was a way to see how interested *I* was, and since I didn’t flirt back he figured I was not interested. Then I get frustrated because I really have no clue how to flirt. I panic. I don’t look guys in the eye when I like them. I hide. I wind up not going back to that bar in case I run into that guy again. I wish I knew why I was so paralyzed by it, but I am.
Puberty was a rough time for me. I developed everywhere I didn’t want to, and lost my guy friends because now I was obviously a girl. And it’s awkward playing touch football when you’re afraid of hurting the girl, or touching her girl parts. At least, that’s what it seemed like. Most of the guy’s had seen me as an equal for so long, it was weird when I was no longer just ‘one of the guys’.
So I lost the vast majority of my friends. What I had left was the few girls I spent time with. They also proceeded to get weirder as we aged. All of a sudden it was all about boys, dating, and makeup. Making hot guys like you was all that seemed to float around in their vapid heads, and as a result, I didn’t like spending time with them. But as any outcast can tell you, that gets lonely and awkward.
Fast forward many years. In my 20s, I noticed that things slowly began to balance out, and guys were willing to be my friends again with out all of the sexual weirdness. Or maybe it was still there, I just didn’t see it. At any rate, I had also made some decent female friends, provided we had some things in common. Things were looking up. Well, sort of.
You know that whole “teenage period of figuring out how to talk to the opposite sex, show you’re interested, date and have functioning relationships” thing? Well I never really learned that. I am still quite out of the loop. When everyone else was getting hot and heavy I was, for the most part, asexual. I didn’t care about dating, I just was pissed off my buddies were chasing tail instead of sports. And the girls were learning their way through all those mind game things that to this day I have no understanding of. Part of me hates that those seem to be tools in everyone else’s dating arsenal, but then another part of me regrets never having learned it.
Last weekend I went to a theme party a friend threw in a local pub. We had a private room with our own bartender. Pretty snazzy, yes. I was dressed quite nicely, with makeup and hair done. And apparently the bartender was hitting on me.
Apparently the bartender was hitting on me to the extent that every one of my friend’s at the party was trying to inform me of such. One did the cartoonish “gesturing towards him with her eyes” that I blatantly remarked, “What’s up with your eyes?” Not obvious enough? Another friend of mine tried walking me over to the bartender while saying loudly, “He. Likes. You.”
I waved it off somehow babbling about how that was not the case, he was just a good bartender. I think I said something else about how he must have sensed I was once a bartender, and there was a “Bartender’s Code”. I can’t quite remember what I said because I was rather drunk of the free wine the bartender was giving me all night. Yep.
*sigh*
So now I am reflecting, because I wonder a lot about how come no one wants to date me, and then things like that happen. I excel at realizing much later that something could have happened, but from the safety of my apartment, much later. That night, I waved away the general consensus of my friend’s because, quite honestly, I was afraid. See, I don’t know what to do when a guy shows interest in me. I don’t have the experience to draw on. I’ve never been asked out, and that was part of what I was thinking when talking to the bartender. Sure, he may seem interested, but unless he pulls me aside, and asks me out, I disagree that he was interested.
Does that sound like too much to ask for? My friend’s argue that his flirting was a way to see how interested *I* was, and since I didn’t flirt back he figured I was not interested. Then I get frustrated because I really have no clue how to flirt. I panic. I don’t look guys in the eye when I like them. I hide. I wind up not going back to that bar in case I run into that guy again. I wish I knew why I was so paralyzed by it, but I am.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Moving On, Moving Up
So... lately my life has been a HUGE explosion of crazy. In summary, I have decided to get over the last guy I was absolutely blind over. I sent him a text late one night seeing if he wanted to get an impromptu drink. It had been a while since I texted him, figuring he could use some time or whatever. He asked who was texting.
So after feeling like an idiot, I told him it was me, said “Forget about it.”, and deleted him from my phone, facebook, and email. Enough is enough. Bah.
Then, of course, is the self-pity parade I usually throw myself. But not this time. Instead I went, “Wait. Why?” Deep down, I knew he wasn’t right for me. I was mostly mad at the fact that I felt I had no romantic options whatsoever, so I projected hard onto this guy, who didn’t want me. Or if he did, he didn’t want me enough.
Some mutual friends (including his best friend) had told me "he’s shy, doesn’t know how to date, and he’s really into me" had me going for a while, but now that I am learning how to move forward, I expect that much from a guy in my life. No effort? Well, then I am now working at moving on. Oh, and then there are the oh-so-helpful friends who bluntly state it was “dead to begin with”, but even then I have to look at that optimistically. In the past, I would never have allowed anyone to know who I liked, never mind ask what they thought. And hearing their (albeit negative) opinion let’s me know I was on the wrong path. When I do date someone, it will because we feel right together, and we’ll know it.
After sitting down and thinking about it a while longer, I came to some solid footing. Even in my smitten haze, I knew there were things about him I had problems with. Things I made myself overlook, but now glared at me like reminders of just how much I will ignore to feel a connection with someone. For instance, he wasn’t that smart. Now usually that’s a HUGE turnoff for me. I had allowed getting to know him over time blind me to the fact that on average, he didn’t get the majority of my jokes or references. Ouch. Also, he talked rather slow. I think this links straight to not being so quick on the uptake. Perhaps now I am being too harsh? Well, friends had told me they didn’t feel he was the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I must admit, that pissed me off at the time so I had over-compensated it with “He’s shy”.
That’s another thing, though. He wasn’t outgoing at all. He was quite happy to sit home or at a friend’s playing video games day in and day out. I don’t mind that from time to time (in fact I find it romantic spending a night in), but he had no real social persona, nor inclination towards one that I ever saw. This was another blow since I am rather outgoing and am constantly busy. Add this to a complete lack of ambition, and I wonder how I managed to overlook something I find to be super important. Lately in my life I have begun to reaffirm my life goals, and take action. I went for the bigger and better job, and am making plans for my future. He once told me if he lost his job, he would “go on EI and wait for them to hire him back”. Solid plan there, mate. Add this to the new, ambitious and educated people I have been meeting lately now that I am back in the city, and Dreamboat’s ship begins to sink.
So I find myself in the familiar position of “Being Alone”, but now I am here without even the fantasy of a crush to look forward to. And in the light of setting goals, I think that should be on my list. Finding a Crush-Worthy Crush. It’s a start. :)
So after feeling like an idiot, I told him it was me, said “Forget about it.”, and deleted him from my phone, facebook, and email. Enough is enough. Bah.
Then, of course, is the self-pity parade I usually throw myself. But not this time. Instead I went, “Wait. Why?” Deep down, I knew he wasn’t right for me. I was mostly mad at the fact that I felt I had no romantic options whatsoever, so I projected hard onto this guy, who didn’t want me. Or if he did, he didn’t want me enough.
Some mutual friends (including his best friend) had told me "he’s shy, doesn’t know how to date, and he’s really into me" had me going for a while, but now that I am learning how to move forward, I expect that much from a guy in my life. No effort? Well, then I am now working at moving on. Oh, and then there are the oh-so-helpful friends who bluntly state it was “dead to begin with”, but even then I have to look at that optimistically. In the past, I would never have allowed anyone to know who I liked, never mind ask what they thought. And hearing their (albeit negative) opinion let’s me know I was on the wrong path. When I do date someone, it will because we feel right together, and we’ll know it.
After sitting down and thinking about it a while longer, I came to some solid footing. Even in my smitten haze, I knew there were things about him I had problems with. Things I made myself overlook, but now glared at me like reminders of just how much I will ignore to feel a connection with someone. For instance, he wasn’t that smart. Now usually that’s a HUGE turnoff for me. I had allowed getting to know him over time blind me to the fact that on average, he didn’t get the majority of my jokes or references. Ouch. Also, he talked rather slow. I think this links straight to not being so quick on the uptake. Perhaps now I am being too harsh? Well, friends had told me they didn’t feel he was the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I must admit, that pissed me off at the time so I had over-compensated it with “He’s shy”.
That’s another thing, though. He wasn’t outgoing at all. He was quite happy to sit home or at a friend’s playing video games day in and day out. I don’t mind that from time to time (in fact I find it romantic spending a night in), but he had no real social persona, nor inclination towards one that I ever saw. This was another blow since I am rather outgoing and am constantly busy. Add this to a complete lack of ambition, and I wonder how I managed to overlook something I find to be super important. Lately in my life I have begun to reaffirm my life goals, and take action. I went for the bigger and better job, and am making plans for my future. He once told me if he lost his job, he would “go on EI and wait for them to hire him back”. Solid plan there, mate. Add this to the new, ambitious and educated people I have been meeting lately now that I am back in the city, and Dreamboat’s ship begins to sink.
So I find myself in the familiar position of “Being Alone”, but now I am here without even the fantasy of a crush to look forward to. And in the light of setting goals, I think that should be on my list. Finding a Crush-Worthy Crush. It’s a start. :)
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