tired

I am so tired of being alone.
I am tired from thinking "one day", and it never coming,
of slowly and painfully building up the courage and to be slapped down, or in some cases, not even acknowledged.

I am tired of finding that one guy...
of the long process it takes for me to like him, and longer to get up the nerve...
I have breached my own safety zone countless times to put the ball in his court,
and I am made embarrassingly aware that this has spilled over into other parts of my life.

I am very visibly alone.
And some days it is too much.

And then I get some energy. I get some hope. And I go, "Self. Self it's time to make an effort!"
And I do. And then I am hurt, and I retreat, and this scar lies on top of all the others.
And I cry, get drained, and then all that is left is this heavy weight that settles on me, and I am tired.